Vanity...

I'm not a girlie girl.

I'm a country girl who grew up shoveling horse manure and shooting my Daisy bb gun. :)

Occasionally, I like to get my "girl on" and dress up, do my hair and make up, but

the majority of the time, I'm most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, with my hair pulled back in a barrette.

SO when the ladies from the Art Bra Gala called...

and asked me to be one of their breast cancer survivor models,

(and let's pause here and discuss what that means...makeup, fancy hair, and me wearing a BRA modeling while walking down a runway)...

I said no.

Initially.

And then this sweet lady went into her pitch and dangit...

it's SUCH a great cause so...

I said yes.

This Gala benefits uninsured or under-insured breast cancer patients and many of my dear friends are involved.

I truly would like to do something to help and this organization is awesome!

And I've never done anything for breast cancer...

(and I've never worn a bra while walking down a runway....holy crap!)

SO...I'm doing it.

Lord help me!!

For the past several years, since the cancer mess began, I have not taken care of myself.

I have gained about 15 ugly pounds that need to go...

and I have aged,

I have a knee that won't bend, my balance with my MS is laughable (my neurologist swears she will jump to my defense if I ever am asked to do that sobriety "walk in a straight line" thing), my feet feel like I'm walking on broken glass all the time, and

I fear for the safety of those around me in high winds...

...one direct hit from my waggling arm fat

and somebody is going down!

After hanging up with that sweet lady, I immediately had a "what did I just do" moment.

I'm not even trying to be beautiful or thin,

but I am trying to knock off some of the flappiness in the arms,

legs,

tush, and

gut.

(I think I'm stuck with the turkey wattle) :)

SO...I started a "diet" and "workout" routine thingie dealer bopper program...

BLECK!!!

I used to eat like a bird and run all the time.

I was a size 4, and sometimes those were baggy.

Then I started enjoying cooking and I quit working out.

I'm not a size 4 anymore. :)

I have never, ever considered myself to be a vain person.

My morning "get ready" routine is 10-15 minutes long...

SERIOUSLY!!

I'm quicker at getting ready than most guys!!

So this diet is no sugar and sodium for 4 days, then just be sensible.

I'm on day 4.

It sucks.

I want a big piece of frickin' pizza soooooo badly...

and a hot fudge sundae to wash it down....

with seven or eight glasses of red wine to top it off!

I LOVE food!! :)

The workouts are "interesting".

Only 20 minutes, 3 times a week.

So I thought, PSSSHHHHHH...20 minutes, 3x a week,

I've got this...

...easy peasy!

The sales pitch didn't mention that the little perky instructor chicks,

are actually Satan's spawn. :)

Sure, they seem sweet and peppy...

but they are EVIL! 

100% EVIL!!

Nobody warned me that this was a whacked out, SPEED version of Twister!!!

How the hell are you supposed to make your arms go that way while your legs go this way and you have to jump four times while crossing your feet and then lunge and...

don't forget to smile and breathe.

I'm still back on "put my right hand where?"

and she's already done 3 minutes of workout!!

WHAT?????

I have ended up tangled and on the floor more than once.  LOL!

I'm not kidding!! :)

And all day long, I stretch often so I won't get stiff...

...but still...

I stand at the bottom of the stairs and cry,

because I know I have to climb them to go to bed.

The couch downstairs is looking pretty good!!

Vanity ain't all it's cut out to be. :)

I needed motivation so I decided each day I work out, I will wear the shirt of one of my childhood cancer heroes...

When I get tired and want to stop, I just look at my shirt...

That takes care of it right away.

These kids go through WAY more than a 20 minute, evil twister workout from hell!

If they can do that, I can do this.

I have no idea if  this program is going to help me lose any inches or pounds....

it is possible that I will only lose my sanity and self respect (because evil twister is very humbling),

but I'm trying!!

I like shoveling horse manure and shooting my Daisy bb gun way better!

Shoot...I can even pee off the side of a fishing boat....

I've got MAD skills!!! LOL!!!

I just can't do that arm, leg, feet thingie the Evil Twister Chick wants me to do!! :)

well..not without falling! LOL

I'm a hot mess...

and they want me to walk down a runway...

in heels...

and a bra....

and look "perty" while I do it?!??!

LMBO!!!!!!

In all seriousness...

I can't wait!

It will be fun...

it's a GRAND detour and it is for a really good cause with some AMAZING people!!

But it is going to be freakin' hilarious when Momma D takes the runway!!!!

Hey Tyra...you might wanna check me out when I'm on the runway for your next Top Model?!?

or run away as fast as you can..

whichever!! :)