Big Girl Panties...

Sometimes, I think I'm very right,

when...

I'm actually equally wrong,

but for a different reason.

Sigh......

Zach and I had a heart to heart talk the other night while I was kissing him goodnight.

We were talking about how God forgives us, and we talked about the words in the Lord's Prayer,

"forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us".

To me, that means that God will forgive me as along as I am forgiving of others.

Makes sense...

and I try very hard to do that...

I preach it all the time...

But at that moment, I realized that I had an epic fail on my hands.

I've been so busy being angry at someone who did something I view as wrong that I haven't seen how wrong I am for my nasty feelings and judgement of that person instead of trying to understand,

and, more importantly, forgive!

I have a few "hot buttons"...

 I'm Irish so my hot buttons are really HOT BUTTONS!!!  LOL!!

Once you push one, back away because she's going to blow!!

And I am not tactful, not gracious,

and NOT ambiguous.

My hot buttons are fairly limited.  It's pretty simply (to me):

1. Don't hurt my kids,

EVER

2.  Don't lie

3.  And don't be mean.

Pretty simple, yet extraordinarily complicated at times.

The person I haven't been able to forgive is actually a wrestling dude. 

Zach wrestles and most of the people we meet are awesome!

But there's this one guy...

and there was this one evening.

I took Zach to practice because Brian was out of town.  I had instructions from Brian to hand Zach's registration paperwork to this particular person for the upcoming tournament.

I walked up, told him who I was, and what I needed to do.

Braden was with me, he was walking right in front of me with my hands on his shoulders steering him.

He looked at Braden and said, "and why are you not wrestling?"

He was being cute, recruiting....

It was not meant to be mean.

I smiled and said, "He has cancer and has a port and he cannot wrestle with a port."

I didn't even bother to explain that he has autism as well and that, additionally, he wouldn't be able to wrestle these boys for that reason.  At the time, we didn't have an official diagnosis although we had "known" since he was 8 months old and had been dealing with it therapeutically as if it were autism.

The wrestling dude said, "Welllllllll...if he was a WRESTLER he wouldn't have that!"

YOU SAID WHAT....????????

Momma Bear was NOT amused!!!

Cue the Clint Eastwood stare...

And the whistle from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" :)

Seemed to me, he just said that if Braden was a wrestler, he wouldn't have cancer.

??????????????????????????????????????

Maybe he thought he was being funny.

Bad idea Pilgrim!

Braden was right there....

Thankfully, he didn't understand because of his autism, but the wrestling dude didn't know that he didn't understand it!

Wouldn't he have realized how disrespectful and mean his comment was to a CHILD who had been fighting cancer...

....with more strength and courage and perseverance than all of the wrestlers in the world combined to the power of infinity...

Plus one!!

HURTFUL AND MEAN AND AWFUL!!!!

Who in the world would tell a child he wouldn't have cancer if he was a wrestler?? 

Assuming he did not hear the cancer part correctly, I looked at him in the eyes and spoke slllloooowwwwllllllyyyyy,

clearly...

and LOUDLY (all activity in the hallway stopped and all of the moms and younger siblings waiting for the boys in the wrestling room turned to watch due to the volume of my voice),

and I said,

"I'm pretty sure he WOULD have cANCER even if he WAS a WRESTLER!" 

I did NOT end it with "YOU DUMBASS",

but I was thinking it...

And then I turned around to exit before I used very bad words.

I took one step and heard a shouting voice say, "YOU NEVER KNOW!!!"

.... I paused...

And it took every ounce of self control I could muster to just keep walking and not turn around,

stick my finger in his chest,

and bring him to his knees with Braden's story of strength and courage.

So as I sat down in the hallway and waited for Zach to finish practice while playing with Braden,

and I stewed.

The dude walked past me several times and I honestly had to stop myself from sticking my leg out and tripping him.

Not one of my finer "thought moments", but it's true.

I was SO mad.

Everyone that knows the wrestling dude tells me he HAD to be joking and kidding around because he's a great guy.

Last time I checked, childhood cancer was NOT a joke,

 and I was NOT amused.

After that night, I refused to take Zach to practice ever again when Brian is out of town.

A friend takes him or he doesn't go.

AND...as I was talking to Zach the other night, it hit me....

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us"...

Several months have passed and I have been sitting on my throne of  "righteous indignation"...

filled with anger and venom.

And I KNOW THAT I KNOW BETTER!!!

I don't know that the dude knows any better.

I have to put my big girl panties on,

and I have to face this man and I have to forgive.

I have not been doing that and that reflects on ME and MY character.

So I'm going to suck it up, put on those big girl panties...

And take Zach back to practice when needed,

and if given the opportunity in the right setting, I will explain it to this dude...

I SOO hope that opportunity presents itself because I will share with him that I'm sure he was joking...but....it wasn't funny and this is why...

and I will do it without four letter words...

...okay...

I will TRY to do it without four letter words...

hopefully! :)

Once, I was at a conference in D.C. and the speaker said,

"We show respect to others because of who WE are, not because of who THEY are".

DANGIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my need to be "right", I forgot that I also need to be forgiving.

Anger blinded me.

Maybe there's a lesson in that for all of us!?

Maybe if we all stopped and thought about how WE are handling things instead of how THEY are handling things, we would have less drama and hurt!?

If you are going to preach it, live it.

I really dislike big girl panties!!

But I'm going to try them out.

HOPE! :)