Zachism Day..#5

Each Saturday, I will share a "Zachism" with you.  Zach is our nine year old and he's pretty funny, and he's not trying! :)

This week, Zach was listening to a commercial and a tune came on.  He said,
"Hey....I know that song!! It's the song that plays at the end of Wreck It Ralph during the credits!"

We've seen it one time,

at the theater when it came out this past year.

One time!

My response was,

"So Zach, what's 8x7?"

We do math facts every single day and he really dislikes it and thinks it's borrrrrrrrring.

My question was followed by a looooooong pause...

followed by , "Heyyyyyyyyy!!!  That's not funny mom!!"

My point exactly buddy...

Exactly!! LOL!!

Happy Saturday!

Snow Days...

SNOW!!!

It's no secret that I ADORE the white fluffy stuff!!!

When I was a little girl, we had horses and my dad would put me on the sled, hook it up to a long rope, and pull my sled around while riding the horse.

It ROCKED!!!

I have some AWESOME old home movies of those fun times!

As we got older, we got an old truck hood.

Yup...

we might be rednecks... :)

And my best friend's dad had a four wheel vehicle...

You know where I'm going with this... :)

The rope got attached to the back of their vehicle, our parents rode in the jeep and we rode on the hood flipped over. We literally slid and whipped all OVER the pasture blowing snow in our faces!

It was SOOO much fun!!

It's was the winter redneck version of water tubing behind a boat.

Our clothes were literally packed with snow by the time we were done but we didn't want to stop!!

We had a BLAST!! The fact that I remember it like 30 years later, should tell you something.

Every time it snows, the looks and smiles of my boys make any inconvenience, well...insignificant.

I still want power, and I want everyone to be safe...but I LOVE LOVE LOVE snow!!

In 2011, I had to take Braden down to the hospital for chemo...normally it's a 45 minute drive, but it took the boys and I three hours one way...it was bumper to bumper, slick and sliding and nuts...and all of us giggled the entire way for the whole three hours!!

The trick was blankets, snacks, drinks, toys, stuffed animals, and battery powered dvd players and i-pods...we had a little party in the car...

while I cussed (in my head) at the freaks on the road who apparently did not learn how to drive in the snow!! LOL!!

One of the things we rednecks used to do was go snow drift bustin'. I lived in a small town in western Kansas where the are no trees except for in someone's yard or along a creekbed. It was very desert-region'ish. The drifts would literally be 6-8 foot high because there was nothing to block the blowing snow!

Mom would never let me tunnel into one because she was afraid I would get buried...I might have tunneled in some far away from the house so she wouldn't have seen.  AND...if I HAD done that, it would have ROCKED!!! ;)

We used to go out in my pickup and smash through the highest drifts we could find.  And if we got stuck, we just fired up the tractor and pulled it out!! :)  Ta da!!!

Well, today, we got about 13-14 inches of the glorious white stuff, and are expecting 1-2 more overnight...

I'm beyond giddy!!

The morning rush in KC looked ridiculous and it was literally a parking lot on the interstate.  One of the news channels was broadcasting when some guy knocked on the window of their vehicle and asked if they knew if a snow plow was coming to get them out...

Ummmm...

I know I'm blonde here, but even if a snowplow came your way when it's bumper to bumper traffic with thundersnow coming down at a rate of 2-3 inches per hour...

I am not REAL sure how a snowplow is going to get thru the parking lot of cars to plow the snow.... LOL!

I was cracking up!! What perfect timing for a live broadcast!! I can only imagine what the broadcaster was thinking when the guy appeared and knocked on the window not realizing they were broadcasting...just keep it Rated G buddy...we don't want to pay any fines!! LOL!

I think he might NOT have been a redneck, or he would have known better about the snowplow thing!! :)

We spent the day making yummy white chicken chili and cornbread and playing in the snow once the rate slowed down.

I watched Zach and his friends dig tunnels and make forts and have snowball fights...

And Braden played in the snow, and shoveled the yard :)  Brian became the sled dog/horse/jeep and pulled his sled up and down the street,

for a REALLY long time!

We didn't venture outside of our street.  Okay Brian did...he went to work out and get more gas for his snowblower (he spent the entire day helping snowblow people out of their driveways). He's a pretty good guy!!  It was about 6-7 hours total in that cold weather...

I'm not that nice.  It's really cold!! LOL!!

I LOVE being snowed in...

with electricity (let me be clear about that lil detail)  :)

No school again tomorrow and we are going to try to venture out to go sledding down the hill, that was the one thing Braden cried for today that we didn't get to do.

SO tomorrow, we will try to make it happen so he can go "WHEEEEEEEE" down the hill.

And Zach can find new jumps so he can catch some air!!






Snow days are for snuggling, spending time together, helping neighbors, enjoying friends, washing and drying snow clothes so you can go again tomorrow, hot chocolate (or hot tea if you are on a stupid freaking diet that doesn't allow hot chocolate but you still lick the spoon after you make it for your kids and their friends just so you can remember what it was like before you had to have hot tea LOL).... smiles and laughter,

and making memories....

maybe I love them so much...

they are really just a beautiful, fluffy, chilly detour!!!

TAKE THAT cANCER!!

The "Boy" Movie...

Oh brother....

Here we go.

I just got a note from school notifying me that Zach's class of fourth grade boys will be watching "the film" in March.

You know...

..."THE film".

And I quote, "a comprehensive K-12 curriculum on human sexuality".

And,as I was reading,  and I came across that sentence,

I almost fainted.

YIKES!!  :)

The fourth grade curriculum focuses on human growth and development.

And I quote,

"the identification of male and female reproductive parts and functions"

Oh boy.....

functions.

I'm having a minor mommy heart attack right now!!

I know...it's time, I get it.

I was a Principal and had to talk to parents about this every single year but...

...somehow...

it's ENTIRELY different when it's MY son!! LOL!!

All I can think about is how Brian and I need to talk to him BEFORE he watches

"the film".

And that pretty much makes me want to THROW UP!!!!

And sit in the corner in the fetal position and suck my thumb!!

I'm SO not ready for my baby to grow up....

...but he is and I have to deal with it.

BUT...

I don't have to like it.

I'm going to need a glass of wine...or 8...before I can even think about how that discussion is going to roll out!!

I'm honest and open and I know we can deal with the questions but...

I don't wanna!!!!!!! :)

I'm pretty sure that one of the topics in the film is wet dreams...

AHHHHHHHHHHH???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel the need to repeat to myself 1 million times, "it'll be okay, it'll be okay...."

but I'm NOT buying it!!

And so it begins...the growing up thing.

I just hope my son doesn't raise his hand the entire movie. 

That's the FIRST lesson I will teach him...

just DON'T RAISE YOUR HAND AND ASK A QUESTION because...

Zach has no filter,

is curious

naive,

EXTREMELY naive,

and is famous for his "Zachisms".

That is NOT a recipe for successful question-asking post "the film" showing!! LOL!

I'm going to tell him to write it down and bring his questions home.  :)

And right now, in Heaven, there is a grandma angel laughing her HEAD off thinking about me dealing with this!! LOL!!

Lord grant me wisdom, clarity, and the ability to not run into the corner and suck my thumb in front of my son. :)

And please Lord, help me limit the use of the words, "girls have cooties, RUN away from them" to 2.4 million times during the discussion!! LOL!!

In the meantime, Braden brought home a cute little picture of a mouse he drew at school...

Thanks for keepin' it real B! :)

That is MUCH more my speed,

and likely the only thing keeping me from completely hyperventilating!! :)

My Mom...

My mom was...

...well...

...a lot like me (or vice versa)! :)

She was strict, no-nonsense, and pretty freaking funny (on the right day)!! :)

She was the one who took me t.p.'ing on Halloween for the first time!!

 

I never was late getting home because I didn't want to face her wrath, my curfews were early (11:00), and she tracked the mileage on my car to make sure I wasn't going places I shouldn't be going. I lived in a small town so if I went anywhere, she heard about it!! We didn't need GPS devices!! LOL!

Loretta Grace Nelson was an awesome mom and I loved her very much...

and we also clashed like the Titans because we were so much alike!! LOL! She was the Irish one in our family and I am the only one of the three of her children who got that gene. My brothers are like my dad...laid back!!!!

In December of 1983, my mom started acting crazy! She was talking like a nut and acting really insane. She grabbed her car keys and headed for the car. I stood outside the driver's side door trying to convince her to come back inside when I realized, she was going to go no matter what I said so I jumped in the back seat of the car very quickly. She tried to drive off with me half in and half out of the car. I climbed over the seat to the passenger's side front seat.

She wasn't making any sense. My mom didn't drink but I thought maybe she was drunk (I had just turned 18 and it was my senior year of high school). I kept asking her to stop and let me drive while asking her why she was acting so crazy!

She drove into town (we lived in the country) and started heading downtown...we flew through MANY red stoplights and finally I reached over and threw the car into park while we were slowed down at a red.

My mom threw it back in gear and started again, so I crawled on top of her and drove us into a parking lot of a bank, hit the brake, shut it off and grabbed the keys.

I got her talked into letting me drive us home, which I did and we walked back in the house.

These were the days before cell phones. I used the house phone to call my dad who came home from work.

We happened to be renting a house from a doctor and the doctor was down at the machine shed near the barn we were keeping our horses in so my dad went down to get him.

Mom started talking really crazy again and stood up and then she fell to the floor and had a seizure.

I called 911 and held my mom while turning her on her left side as the dispatcher told me to do.

About that time, my dad and the doctor walked in.

A few minutes later, the ambulance got there. They worked on mom and then everyone left. I sat in the living room shaken.

I got the keys to my pickup and went to the hospital after picking up all of the trash from the paramedics because I knew my mom would have a fit when she came home and found trash on the floor!

I was a "newbie" to the medical world, I didn't know she wouldn't be home that night.

They did a CT scan and determined that mom had a stroke and after several days, she came home and began the process of learning how to speak, walk and use her hands again.

We got through Christmas but mom still wasn't acting right. In April, she fell asleep in her chair while cooking supper and burned everything. My mom had NEVER burned a thing!!

Dad took her to the doctor and they did another CT scan. It showed a mass. My dad and mom went to Topeka for exploratory surgery to find out what it was on April 11, 1984.

I was working at a private Catholic boys' high school washing dishes, stocking shelves, serving food, and cooking sometimes.

My dad was the County Extension Agent and the Home Economist came into the kitchen where I was working and asked to talk to me.

She told me that they had opened mom up and found a brain tumor that was so extensive that they could do nothing for her.

I was dating a guy who was a freshman in college at the time and he came with me to Topeka (about a 4 hour drive). I kept it together really well until about an hour outside of Topeka when I got crazy dizzy and had to pull over, then he drove. I think that's when it sunk in that she was going to die.

We walked into the hospital and I went into mom's room and she opened her eyes, smiled, and said, "Hi Weesie" That was what my mom always called me.

I had watched my grandparents dying, and had gone through enough to know that my mom's protocol was "you never cry in front of them" so I stayed for a bit and then they kicked me out of her ICU room.

I cried then.

The doctors said they would do radiation to increase the quality of her life, not the quantity.

We brought mom home and dad and I took care of her.

She said she wanted to live long enough to go to my high school graduation...and she did. My mom came in a wheelchair with her wig on. She already could not speak but she was happy.

Dad and I cared for her as the cancer slowly overtook all of her body and functions. I remember the day that the hospice nurse asked if we wanted her to die at the house or in the hospital. We chose the hospital.

The last time I saw her alive, she just stared at me. We just looked at each other and I talked to her. She ripped out her IV line and blood went everywhere. The stupid nurse came in and said, "I wonder if she's trying to tell us something.."

I can't repeat what I said.

I'm pretty sure my mom smiled again!!

The night before she died, I had a dream.

In the dream, she was asking me to come see her because she was lonely and she wanted to see me.

I told her that I would be there in the morning but first I had to help with the 4-H booth at the sidewalk sale.

Then I had a vision of her floating and smiling and she said that she was okay, she was free and not in pain and she told me that she loved me and I told her that I loved her.

I woke up and was absolutely terrified because I thought she was dead. I could not move and I laid in bed for 3 hours until the sun came up.

July 19, 1984, I went to the sidewalk sale to help with the booth as planned (literally two blocks from the hospital). I was going to go to the hospital to see her after my shift ended at 11. My dad's secretary came to the booth to get me long before that.

She told me mom had died.

My mom very much believed that angels live around us and they are a part of our lives. And I KNOW that she has been a part of our lives through all of this cAncer mess!

Sometimes I just "know" stuff and I listen to that gut feeling and intuition. I have always (and will always) believed that it's mom trying to help me.

She is very much  a part of our lives, but I so wish my boys could have had her in their lives here on Earth.

My mom and my daughter, Miranda, are our guardian angels and we are blessed to have them protecting and guiding us.

My mom has been watching and smiling from Heaven for every big event in my life, but I would give anything to hug her and look into her eyes one more time and tell her that I love her face to face.

Everything is perfectly timed and the lessons I learned while taking care of mom as she died have served me well while taking care of Braden.

I am a very lucky daughter to have had a mom like mine!!

Zachism Day, #4

Saturday is Zachism Day. He is our 9 year old and he says the cutest and funniest stuff without even trying! :)  Today's Zachism is just sweet!

The kitty had some surgery the other day.

(He doesn't like to talk about it, it's "personal"! :) )

We delayed telling Zach because we knew he would worry and be upset.

He's a VERY tender-hearted kid.

The morning of the surgery, we explained that Indy was going to spend the night at the vet's.

Zach was fairly hysterical,

and the only thing that made him feel better is that our former next door neighbor was our vet and he would be taking care of him.

When he realized he was going to spend the night at the hospital, he wasn't happy but he said,

"As long as Mr. Les is watching him, I can let him go. The kitty will ALWAYS be home in my heart!"

Pretty sweet moment!! :)

Love that kid!!

Happy Saturday!

Friday Funny...

This story truly shows why this blog is titled what it is! :)

Wednesday was the day for Valentines' parties at school, we didn't have school Thursday and Friday.

SO...I convinced my sweet friend, Amy, to let me take her to the second grade party, our sons are in the same class and she has been locked in her house for several weeks following some foot surgery.

I picked her up and we started to turn to head to the school when I saw a neighbor's dog roaming around. She was A.W.O.L. and was headed far from home!

So we stopped and called for her and she happily ran over! She is a sweet puppy and she was thrilled to see us! I grabbed her collar and quickly realized that she was not going to go quietly.

She was SOO excited, she wanted to play and she wanted to lick and she wanted to love and she wanted to run...

So we started walking to her house and she decided to make a break for it.  It was like trying to stop a sled dog at the idatarod races!!  She was pulling me and I was trying to hold on to her so she wouldn't run away when she kicked it into overdrive and bolted.

I tried to hang on...

I didn't want to lose her because I was afraid she would run away and I couldn't stand the thought of the little girls who are her owners crying because they couldn't find her.

Instead of hanging on,

when she pulled really hard...

...I fell flat on my face in the middle of the street!

That's when she ran back and decided this was AWESOME fun and she started licking and running away and then coming back, climbing over me, and licking again and again and again and again...

I was laughing so hard, I could not get up. And that was only egging her on!! :)

Amy was in the car and she later told me all she could see was my legs flying up in the air over and over as I rolled to stop the full facial licks!! She obviously couldn't get out because of her foot so she was helpless but cheering for me!!

I finally climbed to my feet but I was laughing so hard, I could barely stand!! I could see Amy in the car laughing her butt off!!

I called for the dog and she eagerly ran over and I told her we needed to go home and she just followed me!!

If ONLY I had tried that first!!  LOL!!

We rang the neighbor's doorbell, she stood right beside me wagging her tail and ran in the house the minute he opened the door!!

I walked back to the car and Amy and I busted out laughing! 

Seriously!!

Only the two of us...

We made it to school in time and the parties were awesome!!

We have SUCH amazing mommies who do great stuff at parties.  The fourth graders had a sock hop and it was priceless!! The kids LOVED it and I got some great video of Zach doing the bunny hop!!  The fourth grade mommies were AMAZING!! HOLY MOLY what a party!!

Braden loved his party and he actually participated in each center without any adults helping him AND I got to be in the room and he handled it AND he listened to the adults at the centers and did what they asked which is unheard of!!

In kindergarten, I couldn't let him see me or he would cry and beg to leave. I had to hide in the hallway and peek in when his back was turned. I sent my camera in with another mom and his amazing kdg teacher also took pics for me!!

In first grade, he would handle it for a bit but then cry and have to leave because it was too much noise and action.

But this party, he knocked it OUT!!! You wouldn't have known he was a child with autism if you walked in the room.  I was very proud.

It's all thanks to the AMAZING teachers he has at his school!! Mrs. Rottinghaus who started him in KDG, Mrs. Haught who kept him going in 1st, Ms. Kumpf who is doing amazing things in second and his paras Ms. Kim and Ms. Jo who have helped him become independent!

We are SOO blessed!! Things could not have gone better at the parties.

I'm just going to try to be a better dog catcher next time!! :)

The Diagnosis, Part 2...

Right after we found out Braden had neuroblastoma, we began calling friends and family to let them know.

Without a doubt, the hardest phone call I had to make was to Braden and Zach's babysitter, Shawna.

Shawna was a second mom to my boys, they spent more hours with her than they did with me because I was working all day long and going back to work about 2 evenings per week.

Shawna with Braden

I remember it like it was yesterday, I was sitting in the lobby at the hospital telling her about the diagnosis. We both held it together pretty well on the phone but I suspect she did the same as I did once I hung up. I completely lost it.  I could feel her heart and her pain and it was so hard. We both tried to stay positive but it was really hard. I love that lady and her family so much!

The morning after we heard Braden had neuroblastoma, we were transferred to 4Hensen which is the Oncology floor at Children's Mercy in Kansas City.

I didn't want to go and I remember telling one of my friends that I was going to have to prepare myself to see kids with bald heads and sad faces.

I was wrong.

Yes, I saw sick kids with bald heads, but they were skating down the hallways on their IV poles, and racing on pedal tractors.  One of the little sweeties who stole my heart was Chelsea. Chelsea would come to our door and peek in and if it was open, she came on in and that girl's smile made my day!! One day when the door was shut because Braden was in isolation she was outside the door grinning and smiling with her hands on the window and she licked the window.  I laughed SO hard! It was so nice to laugh!

I stayed with Braden every night for his first 30 day stay. When I was at the hospital, I never left his room and rarely his bed as he wanted me to sit with him and snuggle. One of his hands had to be touching me all the time! And I didn't mind at all!!

Occasionally, I would sneak home to take a quick shower while Brian stayed with Braden but I spent every night with him.About a year later, I finally peeked into the parent room because I was curious. :) I never left his side until one night while I was talking to four year old Zach on the phone.  Zach said, "Mom, I think dad would come down and stay with Braden if you wanted to come spend the night with me!"

Oh that stung my heart.  He was right. So at some point after a couple of rounds, I went home and slept in the same house as Zach. cAncer had split our family into two parts. Braden and me at the hospital and Brian and Zach in the outside world visiting the hospital. The hospital was home to Braden and me.

All you want is for things to be "normal" again. You want your child to not have a central line with tubes hanging from his chest, you want him to not have the pain and side effects of chemo, you want him to play outside, you want him to be able to GO outside, you want to be able to hold your other child each night and tuck him into bed. You want to make your own bed, shower in your own shower, pick up the million toys your kids have strewn all over the house, be able to come and go as you please, fuss about spilled milk, wonder what you are cooking for supper, go to the grocery store, make your bed, clean your bathrooms, vaccum your carpet, fold your laundry, and to not have to think and worry all day and all night long.

It's tough to hear people talk about how their child spilled their spaghetti all over the kitchen and it was awful.  I would have given my life to have that for one more day with my family instead of what we were doing.

Our world did a complete 180. We unexpectedly went from two incomes to one overnight. Our family of four was split in two. My career was halted and I LOVED what I did for a living!  Some of the people I loved very much turned their backs because it was hard.

And, worst of ALL, we were given a 30% chance of survival for Braden.

Miranda had died already and I couldn't fathom losing Braden too. I kept picturing visiting two graves, having another funeral for one of my babies, and living with empty arms again!

This could NOT be happening! Why would God do this!?? I had been faithful and I trusted Him!

It was after we moved onto 4H and I looked around at the other faces on the floor, that I realized...

...this is NOT from God. GOD DID NOT DO THIS!!

The God I believe in does not "give" cancer to anyone, especially children.

To me, this is the work of the other guy.  Only that guy could be this ugly and awful.  Childhood cAncer is pure evil so it must be FROM evil! My God would NOT do this!

I believe that God is our salvation during this though. He was with us every moment trying to protect Braden.

My hope was that Braden would not have to go to Heaven to be cured like Miranda had.

Braden held his arm above his head most of the time to relieve the pressure of the massive tumor and he had a hard time opening his right eye the whole way.

After scans and a biopsy, we learned that Braden's disease was not confined to his torso, it was also in his pelvis, femur, various other leg bones, skull, and bone marrow. It was stage IV and high risk.

When Dr. Shore came in and did his diagnosis speech, it took 2.5 hours because I questioned everything he said. He was very blunt and honest and I liked that part. I didn't mince words either. The first thing he said after he told us all about Braden's disease was that we shouldn't blame ourselves for the missed diagnosis.

Momma Bear lit up! I told him that I didn't blame ME, I blamed all of the DOCTORS and then I told him part 1 of this diagnosis. He was speechless.

And out of that conversation, the hospital began using Braden's story as a teaching example so it wouldn't happen again.

Dr. Shore once asked me if it helped to know that they were using this as a hospital teaching example. I told him that I was thankful but no. I didn't help. It gave me hope for others but it didn't help me with Braden's missed diagnosis.

Neuroblastoma is 80% curable when found at stage I or II...30% is what he was given because it wasn't diagnosed when it was stage I or II in October!

DAMN!!!

I'm not that good of a person and I'm not that noble.

After Braden's biopsy, he developed a staph infection from the surgery (MRSA) and salmonella which appeared after his counts went down. He had an allergic reaction to the Vancomyacin used to treat his MRSA, and he had an allergic reaction to the betadine and dressings from surgery. He writhed and ripped at his skin because he was so itchy.  We had to rub his skin 24/7 to keep him from breaking it open.

And this was all before he even started chemo!  I'll tell you about that another day, but it landed us in the PICU with the belief that he was bleeding out.

An NG tube was put in to try to give him some nutrition. I held my breath and defended that tube 24/7 because I was sure he would pull it out with the autism.

The reality began to sink in. 

And it sucked.

There was nothing I could do about it, and I'm a complete control freak!!

I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

I couldn't. This was now our life.

It is the life of too many!! 46 families have this day every single school day.  And 7 families say goodbye to their babies who earn their angel wings...every school day.

It's too many. It has to stop!!

With HOPE and work, it will!!

People often ask what things are helpful to do and tell families after their child has been diagnosed. We had an amazing support sytem of friends who knew exactly what we needed when I didn't. Here are a few that were extremely helpful things they did for us:

PRAY and share the story so others can pray!

Email, write messages on blogs, send cards, just let us know you care! That is your connection to the outside world and you have NO IDEA how much it lifts your spirits and inspires you to keep fighting!!

Do NOT disappear, even if it's hard for you, if you want to remain in the family's lives! I lost many friends and family relationships because people just disappeared. Things don't "reset" after treatment. You change and if friends and family are not there to support and adapt, you don't have the same relationship.

Love us, even on our bad days.  And don't judge! We may not make the same choices you would, it's our child, support us and be positive. Remember the golden rule! :)

And I'll just throw this one in, please don't send us crazy fads that are going to "cure cancer" like eating asparagus.  That is insulting to us and not helpful.

Start a Meal Calendar! Meals were SUCH a help for Zach and Braden at home

House Cleaning: a group of friends paid for a housekeeper to come 2x a month...what a blessing!! This was INCREDIBLY helpful!

Take siblings who are at home on special playdates. That made a HUGE difference to Zach and it allowed me to have peace of mind knowing that he was being cared for in such a special way by so many loving,kind hearts!!

Make sure it's okay to visit before you do so, hospital time is crazy and there are times you just don't want to have visitors. You still want to hear from and talk to people, but there's a lot going on and you have to take care of your child. Germs are VERY bad and I wouldn't let visitors in for that reason. Your immune system is very compromised and one person with the sniffles could land you in the PICU.

And most of all...

...have faith and believe!!

Miracles happen!! :)

With HOPE!!!