Priorities...

Last night, it occurred to me that Zach (our ten year old) really has no idea what our foundation does.

Not quite sure how I missed describing that piece to him! :)

He knows I work all the time, and that I'm gone a lot in the evening, and that I spend tons of time on the computer and on the phone, etc. but he really doesn't know what I'm doing other than "mom's working".

So I talked to him about what we do and about the $100,000 grant we got to give away to a doctor to find treatments for kids with cancer.

And the cynic in him said, "Mom...you realize you can't save all kids with cancer, right?"

Yea...he's 10....and he sounded like a grandpa of 90. :)

I told him a story that I had read in Chicken Soup For The Soul one time, many moons ago, about a man walking along the beach picking up starfish and throwing them back into the ocean.

There were hundreds. A man passed him and asked why he was doing it, there were too many and he couldn't possibly make a difference, he couldn't save them all.

The man threw another into the ocean and said, "Made a difference to THAT one."

I told him I knew I couldn't save every kid with cancer, but I wanted to try to do something to make a difference in some way for a few if not all.

The alternative is to do nothing and just allow children to die from these diseases without even trying. And I can't live with that.

I asked him if he remembered going to Jayden and Harley's funerals. If he remembered looking at their small bodies in their caskets.

He said that he did.

I told him that I didn't ever want any other families to have to put their children in a casket and kiss them goodbye until they meet them in Heaven. That I didn't want any other child to have to die when they should be playing and laughing. 

I told him it wasn't right and it wasn't fair and although I know I can't save every child with cancer, if I can have a hand in making even a small difference for another family, it is worth it to me.

He then asked the tough question, he asks it occasionally.

"Is Braden going to die too?"

I've never lied to him...and I never will.

I told him that I didn't know.

I promised him that I have fought for no child any harder than I fought for Braden and that right now we had Braden doing a medicine that seemed to be working, but I couldn't promise that he wouldn't die from cancer, or anything else for that matter.

I know his little body has had too much treatment and it's all been highly experimental.  We've bought time...how much I don't know.

He asked if the $100,000 we gave away will result in a treatment Braden can get to save his life.  I told him no and then I explained the trial the doctor would be doing and how it was not going to be something that could help Braden but would help hundreds if not thousands of other kids with cancer if the doctor is right.

He thought for a very long time and then I asked him how he felt about me doing all of this foundation business.

He said he thought it was good.  I said, "think it's good?" and he said, "yea...sometimes it's weird though."

I asked how.

And he said, "well, it's weird that you have to work all day and all night and don't have time to play with us. and it's really sad to think that after all of this, Braden could still die. I think it's great it's helping other kids but I wish it could help Braden too."

He's right about the too much working and not enough playing thing. That hit me like a ton of bricks to the face.

There was no comeback on that one. It's 24/7/365. For good reason...Jayden and Harley for starters. 

This job of mine is all consuming. It takes every hour, minute, and thought I have and it is worth it, but I have to find a balance.

Seems I have fallen in to the same trap I thought I had learned to avoid! I used to work nonstop when I was employed!  I've never worked more hours than I'm working now, and I used to work a LOT.  I suppose this is just my "gotta do my best" personality hard at work.

I thought I had learned not to fall into that trap after Braden was diagnosed. But slowly, as Braden has been healthier, I've let it creep in and suck me in to "obsessive mode" again.

And I didn't even realize it until last night!

Dang!!

I think the fact that this work is about trying to save the lives of children, I've put extra emphasis on just working more and more to make a bigger difference.

I have to stop doing that. My kids are still the number one priority and I haven't been treating them like they are.

Dang again!!

Stupid cAncer! Even in trying to fight you, you were winning!

So Zach and I created a plan for balance. He was falling asleep as I asked him how he felt about that plan.

He whispered, "good".

And then said, "I'm proud of you mom. Keep saving starfish!"

I said, "I will buddy, and I will do a better job of keeping my focus on the two most important starfish in the world...you and Braden".

His response was in a whisper again, "I love you mom!"

"I love you too Zach."

Sometimes it takes the wisdom and heart of a ten year old to whack you in the face and remind you of what really matters!

OH....

And cancer...I'm not going to slow down or back down one bit...I'm still coming after you full force!! I'm just going to take some time off in the evenings to love on my boys!

I have my priorities straight again. 

Hey cAncer....Take THAT!!!!  

Thanks for the therapy session Zach!!

Zachism, College...

This morning, we were all laying in bed together, with the cat, and Zach said that when he went to college, he would not be able to take Indy with him.

I asked him why not and he said, "because I will be at college mom!"

Hmmm...hoping that wasn't foreshadowing of too much time spent partying...and instead was because he was going to be studying. (A mom can hope)

SO..I said that he should do what Shawna's boys did. Shawna was their babysitter while I was working. And as far as the boys are concerned, they are part of their family to this day.  She was AMAZING and we all loved her and her whole family tons!!

I told him that her two oldest smartly lived at home for the first two years of their college education and that would save a lot of money and be fun. (Again, a mom can hope)

He got a really happy face and in a super excited voice said,

"You mean I can live with Shawna??"

The blonde runs strong with that one. :)

So Shawna, be sure to save a room for Zachy, he's moving in in just a few years!!

I wish you well with that!! LOL!!

Zach...

Today is a very special day.

It's Zach's 10th Birthday!!!

I remember April 3, 2003 like it was yesterday. I woke up to Brian video taping waking me up!! :)

His delivery was a planned c-section after Miranda's birth which was an emergency c-section. I didn't want to take ANY chances that normal delivery might cause complications.

I was SO over complications.  Miranda had died on August 1, 2001 and I had a miscarriage in between Miranda and Zach.

We SO wanted a baby!!

So off we went to the hospital, and a little after 12:30, Zachary Dean Hofen was born!

He cried immediately.  And he didn't stop crying, very often! :)

He cried so much that the nurses came in the middle of the night and asked if they could help. LOL!  This child hasn't stopped "talking" since he was born!!

We gave him a pacifier and he was much happier.

It was pure joy!! I didn't want to stop holding him because it was finally here. We finally had a beautiful, healthy baby!!

There were no words to describe the feeling of holding him for the first time. I looked at his face, and I was honestly terrified and completely in love.

I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop...something had to be wrong, it couldn't be that he was fine?

But he was, and as we held him, both Brian and I had tears.  Tears of joy and tears remembering the last time we had been in the c-section operating room when Miranda was born.

We were finally going to be able to take our child home with us rather than leaving the hospital with empty arms!!

And...I had NO idea what I was doing! I'm the youngest in my family and I had only changed a handful of diapers. We had to take a class to learn how to do the "basics".  LOL!!

Brian was the fastest swaddler in the class!! I wasn't one of the top ten!! :)

It's not like I was completely unprepared...

I had a Baby Alive when I was little!! :)

I fed her and gave her a bottle, she pooped and peed....

Okay, I confess, I stopped feeding her and putting water in her bottle because....well, it was gross and smelly and not something I enjoyed.

But I took GREAT care of my Mrs. Beasley doll!!...

I never lost her glasses and I took her for rides in my toy baby carriage all the time!!!

So what if I couldn't swaddle that doll in class!! LOL!

Brian and simply soaked in every minute after he was born. It was total happiness!  After we had so much trouble getting pregnant, then Miranda died, and then we had a miscarriage....3 years of sadness, we finally had a child to bring home and love!! PURE JOY!!!!

Then, a few hours after Zach was born, the lactation nurse came in to try to help me breast feed.

It was not working and I was rolling with the punches and not getting too worked up so she asked me how committed I was to breast feeding.

I told her that I was only going to be able to breast feed for a couple of months before I went back on my medication for my MS.  I had to go back on my meds because I would risk a flare of my MS and Zach couldn't drink my breast milk once I started my shots. Betaseron isn't good for babies.

She disapprovingly looked at me and said something about how that wasn't very committed and how I needed to reconsider my dedication to our son, and then she launched into a whole angry-faced speech about why I needed to better for our son and how good moms do x,y, and z.

She made me feel completely horrible!

I don't often shrink away, but I did at that moment.  I was too crushed and I had no fight to respond with, I was hurt. I held my son closer and averted my eyes from her judgmental stare.

And Brian doesn't get mad very often,

but he did that day.

She left, I had tears, and Brian went down the hallway after her.

I can only imagine how that convo went!! :)

The supervisor came in later and apologized for her.  She never returned, which was wise!

We had so many visitors in to meet Zach and share in our happiness!  It was honestly the best feeling in the world and it was so much fun to share it with all of our friends.  Brian called our families and told them Zach had arrived.

When we came home, our entire yard and house was decorated by our amazing neighbors! It was priceless!! I cannot describe how much our friends are our family...but they truly are just that!

I just can't believe Zach is 10 today.  I know. Every parent says that, but it's TRUE!

When I tucked him in bed last night, I told him to enjoy his last night of single digit sleep because tomorrow, he enters the double digit world and will be there for a really long time...triple digits are next!! :)  He thought about that for a long time and was REALLY excited about this double digit thing.

I just cringe thinking about double digits that end with the word "teen".....oh boy!! "Drive-teen", "Date-teen", "First Kiss teen" "Graduate teen"....ughhhhhhhh!!!

I need a drink!!!

10??  How in the world did the time fly so fast!?

And what an amazing 10 years it has been.

Zach is joyful and kind and just a good kid. I feel VERY blessed to  be his mom. He makes me smile every day and his Zachisms leave me in fits of laughter, although I try for that laughter to be with my "inside voice".

I think he's amazing!!

And I'm a very proud momma!!

Happy Birthday Zacharoonie!!!!