Priorities...

Last night, it occurred to me that Zach (our ten year old) really has no idea what our foundation does.

Not quite sure how I missed describing that piece to him! :)

He knows I work all the time, and that I'm gone a lot in the evening, and that I spend tons of time on the computer and on the phone, etc. but he really doesn't know what I'm doing other than "mom's working".

So I talked to him about what we do and about the $100,000 grant we got to give away to a doctor to find treatments for kids with cancer.

And the cynic in him said, "Mom...you realize you can't save all kids with cancer, right?"

Yea...he's 10....and he sounded like a grandpa of 90. :)

I told him a story that I had read in Chicken Soup For The Soul one time, many moons ago, about a man walking along the beach picking up starfish and throwing them back into the ocean.

There were hundreds. A man passed him and asked why he was doing it, there were too many and he couldn't possibly make a difference, he couldn't save them all.

The man threw another into the ocean and said, "Made a difference to THAT one."

I told him I knew I couldn't save every kid with cancer, but I wanted to try to do something to make a difference in some way for a few if not all.

The alternative is to do nothing and just allow children to die from these diseases without even trying. And I can't live with that.

I asked him if he remembered going to Jayden and Harley's funerals. If he remembered looking at their small bodies in their caskets.

He said that he did.

I told him that I didn't ever want any other families to have to put their children in a casket and kiss them goodbye until they meet them in Heaven. That I didn't want any other child to have to die when they should be playing and laughing. 

I told him it wasn't right and it wasn't fair and although I know I can't save every child with cancer, if I can have a hand in making even a small difference for another family, it is worth it to me.

He then asked the tough question, he asks it occasionally.

"Is Braden going to die too?"

I've never lied to him...and I never will.

I told him that I didn't know.

I promised him that I have fought for no child any harder than I fought for Braden and that right now we had Braden doing a medicine that seemed to be working, but I couldn't promise that he wouldn't die from cancer, or anything else for that matter.

I know his little body has had too much treatment and it's all been highly experimental.  We've bought time...how much I don't know.

He asked if the $100,000 we gave away will result in a treatment Braden can get to save his life.  I told him no and then I explained the trial the doctor would be doing and how it was not going to be something that could help Braden but would help hundreds if not thousands of other kids with cancer if the doctor is right.

He thought for a very long time and then I asked him how he felt about me doing all of this foundation business.

He said he thought it was good.  I said, "think it's good?" and he said, "yea...sometimes it's weird though."

I asked how.

And he said, "well, it's weird that you have to work all day and all night and don't have time to play with us. and it's really sad to think that after all of this, Braden could still die. I think it's great it's helping other kids but I wish it could help Braden too."

He's right about the too much working and not enough playing thing. That hit me like a ton of bricks to the face.

There was no comeback on that one. It's 24/7/365. For good reason...Jayden and Harley for starters. 

This job of mine is all consuming. It takes every hour, minute, and thought I have and it is worth it, but I have to find a balance.

Seems I have fallen in to the same trap I thought I had learned to avoid! I used to work nonstop when I was employed!  I've never worked more hours than I'm working now, and I used to work a LOT.  I suppose this is just my "gotta do my best" personality hard at work.

I thought I had learned not to fall into that trap after Braden was diagnosed. But slowly, as Braden has been healthier, I've let it creep in and suck me in to "obsessive mode" again.

And I didn't even realize it until last night!

Dang!!

I think the fact that this work is about trying to save the lives of children, I've put extra emphasis on just working more and more to make a bigger difference.

I have to stop doing that. My kids are still the number one priority and I haven't been treating them like they are.

Dang again!!

Stupid cAncer! Even in trying to fight you, you were winning!

So Zach and I created a plan for balance. He was falling asleep as I asked him how he felt about that plan.

He whispered, "good".

And then said, "I'm proud of you mom. Keep saving starfish!"

I said, "I will buddy, and I will do a better job of keeping my focus on the two most important starfish in the world...you and Braden".

His response was in a whisper again, "I love you mom!"

"I love you too Zach."

Sometimes it takes the wisdom and heart of a ten year old to whack you in the face and remind you of what really matters!

OH....

And cancer...I'm not going to slow down or back down one bit...I'm still coming after you full force!! I'm just going to take some time off in the evenings to love on my boys!

I have my priorities straight again. 

Hey cAncer....Take THAT!!!!  

Thanks for the therapy session Zach!!

Kids do the darndest things...

The other day, I was in a second grade classroom, not my son's...in another district.

The teacher was using what is called an "Assertive Discipline Plan". Individuals earned fake money for following the rules, teams (each table group of kiddoes) earned points the same way. Apparently to turn dollars and points in for privledges and prizes. And they lost the points and money if they had a "oops" moment. Incentive to not have "oops" moments. :)

When one of the kiddoes would get a compliment from the teacher, the teacher would ask if the child would rather have a "dollar" or a team point.  The kids would then choose which one they wanted, and they almost always chose "team point" which always resulted in fist bumps and smiles from their whole team!

One ADORABLE, and quiet, little girl got to make that very choice and she chose,

team point.

YAY!!!

The little freckled, red headed boy across from her smiled and said "thanks" and held his hand up for a high five.

The little girl kind of backed away and shook her head, no.

The little cutie pie was even more insistent now that she give him a high five so he got closer and even more "celebratory"...

She quietly shook her head no.

Odd, I thought. Wonder what the story is there?

And just then, the little boy reached up and...

picked his nose and wiped it under his desk.

Problem solved.

Wise choice little girl!!

Yup...kids do the darndest things! :)

And I giggled for about an hour.

Zachism, College...

This morning, we were all laying in bed together, with the cat, and Zach said that when he went to college, he would not be able to take Indy with him.

I asked him why not and he said, "because I will be at college mom!"

Hmmm...hoping that wasn't foreshadowing of too much time spent partying...and instead was because he was going to be studying. (A mom can hope)

SO..I said that he should do what Shawna's boys did. Shawna was their babysitter while I was working. And as far as the boys are concerned, they are part of their family to this day.  She was AMAZING and we all loved her and her whole family tons!!

I told him that her two oldest smartly lived at home for the first two years of their college education and that would save a lot of money and be fun. (Again, a mom can hope)

He got a really happy face and in a super excited voice said,

"You mean I can live with Shawna??"

The blonde runs strong with that one. :)

So Shawna, be sure to save a room for Zachy, he's moving in in just a few years!!

I wish you well with that!! LOL!!

Camping...

Braden just had scans in Philly...

and he did well and the results continued to show no evidence of disease!!

That is really no small sentence...it is really miraculous!!

Every scan, I hold my breath and pray.

This time, we found a penny early on. Braden was watching cartoons on a television in the airport in Chicago. He walked over, handed picked it up and handed it to me, then went back to cartoons.

I felt so much better!!  If you are confused, check out the "Pennies From Heaven" post I did on January 18. :) http://deliecehofen.blogspot.com/2013_01_18_archive.html

 And then there was the sunset view from our window the night before his scan. I could almost feel our angels smiling! WOW!

Dr. Mosse gave us the great news and we were off to the airport. Happy DAY!!! Nothing really upsets me after a good news day. It's all about perspective...

Seriously!

Nearly every visit since his first clear scan, we've had a problem getting out of Philly. Blizzards, hurricanes, flooding, plane mechanical problems, flight crew not there, you name it.  Almost every single time. We just expect it now! :)

This time did not disappoint.  Our layover was in Chicago.

Just a few minutes before we were to board the plane, they came on to tell us our crew wasn't there yet. As she was speaking they appeared.  Whew!! I figured this one was going to be easy, false alarm!

We boarded the plane and the captain got on the intercom with "news".

He said Chicago was not allowing any flights in or out due to weather.  BUT...he said we could deplane and then just hang out in the terminal close by. 

That sounded GREAT to me!! It was going to be an hour before they had an update.

An hour turned into 2...plus...people were lined up for a LONG distance trying to make arrangements for missed connections, etc.

Braden and I played hide and seek. It was WAY more fun.  That giggle is the best sound EVER!

I figured that if there were problems with getting in and OUT of Chicago, our connecting flight would likely be delayed too and there's an hour difference between Philly and Chicago, so we might make it. And if we didn't...who cares???

I got on my cell phone and sent some texts and my amazing friends had me covered with Zach in about 2 minutes!! I'm SO blessed to know such incredible people!!

Then they came on the intercom and weren't sure we were getting out, so I started looking for rooms in Philly...and two minutes later, we were boarding.

LOL!

We got to Chicago...okay, it was a "tad" bumpy but we've had worse and we were only 15 minutes passed our scheduled departure. The airport was a zoo...complete and total zoo!!

We checked the info to get our gate number and found out our flight had been cancelled.  Oh well. At least we weren't late!! :)  We headed to the gate to rebook.  The moving sidewalks became a challenge for Braden who tried to pass every single person on them...mom was panting like a dog by the time we were done. That boy can move when he wants to! :)

On our way, half of the US Navy along with a whole unit of bagpipers lined the hallway.  We were in a hurry but Braden wanted to watch the "parade".  We watched and walked slowly...nothing was happening yet but they were obviously waiting for something/someone to come off that plane.  I was curious. Hmmm.... But I knew we needed to rebook and if those bagpipes started, Braden would FREAK out!!

The kid with the severe hearing loss due to chemo cannot handle loud noises.  He cries and cries and it's absolutely heartbreaking!! Poor guy...so we zipped fairly quickly.

We made it to our gate, got rebooked, and then tried to get a room but everything was full close to the airport. Our flight was at 6 and it was already about 10:30. Not long...easy peasy!

The lady told us they were setting up cots.  Ugh...but worth a look. Already I was cringing with the thought of all of those germs...MAJOR germaphobe here!!

As we were making our way to the cot area, we saw the navy parade happening, but the bagpipes were gone. I was really curious now. They were escorting a long line of people individually through a corridor of navy sailors.

Hmmm again.

We walked over to watch the parade and realized it was actually an entire plane of WWII veterans they were escorting.  I don't know where from or where to but it was so cool.  MANY passengers were lined up and clapping for the men who were being escorted in wheelchairs (some were walking) as the sailors saluted along the perimeter of their path.  Braden and I clapped for them for about 10 minutes, we tried to leave but he wanted to stay and watch more of the parade. He saluted just like the sailors. It was priceless!!

I had tears. It was just beautiful to see those men waving at the crowd and smiling. They were so very proud and happy.  Just awesome!

After the parade, we did make it to the cots.  They weren't horrible looking, but still...germs!! We picked the only two left that were near an outlet. I put the blankets down over the cot, they were clean and then covered Braden with his penguin blankie from home.

Airport rule #1...he who controls the outlet, rules the airport terminal world!! Especially when there are only 2 in the hallway with the cots. LOL!  Many came after and many coveted my outlet, but alas, it was taken.  So sorry poor friends.... :)

Having staked my claim, I decided to put the blanket on the cot and push the cots together so I would be right beside Braden.  My greatest fear was that he would wake up while I was asleep and he would wander away out of curiosity...looking for that parade again! I knew I would not be sleeping, but I hoped he would.

I stashed everything of value (my phone and the iPad in my backpack at our heads and then squished our cots against it so no one could take them.  That...and we were directly across from the security desk...it was pretty safe!!

If you've ever had the pleasure of sleeping in an airport on a cot...okay admittedly overuse of the word "pleasure"...you already know that they don't dim any lights and they don't put you in an area where people aren't marching through...hey wait a minute...it was an all night parade!! :) Lucky us!  Braden would just close his eyes, and somebody would come through with the vaccuum truck, or trash cans, or security people walkie talkies,  or security people laughing and giggling.

My "favorite" was my fellow stranded passengers who were clearly upset that they were stranded passengers. 

One lady parked it right next to me at about 2 am, she used the f-bomb about 4 times (which I can appreciate except I had an 8 year old with me). I looked at her and gave her the look. She grimaced at me and I pointed to Braden who was now wide awake.  She apologized but kept right on bitching out loud, just stopped with the f-bomb.  I asked her if she could bitch quietly so she wouldn't wake up my son.  She was not amused and changed the bitching to loud sighing.  

I think I preferred the bitching.  

I echoed her sighs each time she let one roar, which annoyed her...and made me giggle.  

Then there was the lady who came in with two adult children and began screaming at the top of her lungs to tell them which cots to take.  Woke him up again. I gave her the look and the daughter cringed.  The mom glared at me. I glared back. I don't think she wanted to try a "glare down contest" because she had them all get their stuff and move to another area.  I didn't realize why until 4:30 am when I finally got to see myself in a mirror.  Yup...I would have been scared too. :)

It was raining so hard!! I mean REALLY hard!! And at 4am, the security people all assembled 10 feet from our cots and had a security team meeting. It was very official.  LOL! They were placed on a higher alert level because of potential flooding.  

I know this because I was pretty much in the meeting.  ;)

I know a lot of other top secret security team meeting information.  I could tell you, but we were all sworn to secrecy. :) Needless to say, my faith in our security systems at the airport dropped a few...a lot...of points!

Three of the security guys were laughing really loudly and saying, "Yup..wake up people, it's your 4 am wake up call! Your security team has a meeting. You can't sleep here anymore." 

Hahahahahahahaha....

Braden woke up, again, and was very groggy and confused.  He had slept about an hour, and on and off due to the noise the remainder of the time. The night before he slept for about 5 hours because I have to keep him up late and get him up early so he will sleep during scans without big sedatives, just IV Benedryl.  

And I hadn't slept at all, and had about 5 hours over 48 hours.

I was not amused by their stupidity and rudeness.  And, again, in my defense 5 hours in two night..total. My filter had slowly disappeared during the night and now Momma Bear was raging.

So it occured to me that I should tell them what I thought about their rudeness and stupidity.  Then I remembered they were security and could keep me from boarding the plane...

and then I remembered I was already in the terminal and I really didn't give a shit because of the filter loss.

SO...I walked the whole ten steps over to them.  And I explained why that particular remark was not amusing. I pointed to my confused and exhausted son who had just had cancer scans.  Braden was in tears because he was tired and in his words, "I'm done...".

The supervisor dude in the fancy suit walked over to see why I was bitching at the three dudes so I explained.  Then walked away.

Then it was HIS turn to give them the look.  

They didn't seem so cocky and amused any more.

I can't tell you what I was thinking...it's top secret. But it involved my first real laugh in hours! 

I gathered up our stuff, Braden, his tigers and his blankie and headed to the gate.  It couldn't be louder or more annoying.

It was still raining REALLY hard and there were lakes of water on the runways and in the grass. I wasn't convinced we were going anywhere, anytime soon.

We did get to board the plane, pretty much everyone on the plane was exhausted BUT at last, we were going home. 

And then the captain came over the intercom.

Oh shit!

He said, "folks...we have some news about our departure."

Every single one of us needed a button, right then.

He told us something, I don't even remember what, but it wasn't that we weren't going to leave.  WHEW!!!

We made it home and all was well. If you ask Braden, he will tell you he had a GREAT time camping!! 

I am not a camper.  :)

That boy loves everything!! 

Got lemons???  Let Braden at 'em!! :)  

TAKE THAT cANCER!!!

Zachism Saturday, "The Prayer"...

When Brian is out of town, the boys both sleep with me in our bed.

The lights were off and it was very dark in the room.

Zach said his prayers and after, we were practicing the Lord's Prayer.

He began on his own with,

"Our art-ther, who fart in Heaven"...

The best part...

He didn't even catch it, he just said, "wait...it's our father who art in Heaven"

Braden, who was next to me, said, "mommy...why are you shaking?"

Silent hysterical laughter will do that to a mom.

Oh shit...

I had a meeting with a committee last night (they are also friends) and we started talking about how occasionally, we have accidentally sent out an email that was NOT intended to be sent to the recepient.

Might have hit reply to all instead of just reply??  And the info in the email was not something you would have shared with "all".... ;)

We've all been there, and if you are shaking your head and saying, "not me", you are either lying, in denial, or you don't even know you have done it, yet!

One of my friends said it would be nice to have an "oh shit" button on your computer for things like that. You could push it and it would suck the email right back in!

Problem solved!

I TOTALLY agree!!

And...I got to thinking,

I could use one of those in a LOT of situations!

I would have one on my computer but I would use it for a few other things too.

Like when I pop onto my computer to check one thing on Facebook or Pinterest.

And an hour is gone.  GONE!

WHOOOSH!!! Sucked away. Never getting that shit back!

I would push that button and....voila!! Hour back!

WOOT WOOT!!!

The button would sort of be like a men in black light thingie mixed with a time machine...on versed.

I would also need an oh shit button in my car.

I could use it when I am running late, (or early).  I could hit it when I get lost (and that happens a LOT) because the GPS chick said to go that way and she was...sooo wrong!

When I have to open the hood of my car to put in washer fluid, and "think" it's latched when I close it, but instead find it flapping in the wind as I'm driving 80 down the interstate.

OR when I drive through an "orangeish" traffic light and realize there's a camera mounted on that pole and the po-po will be mailing me a pretty yellow "certificate".

It would even help when I'm at a drive through, order my food and drink, pull to the window, get my drink and drive away...

without my food.

And it would be a transferrable car button so I could take it with me when I'm riding with my hubby...who thinks he is Jeff Freakin' Gordon.

He's weaving in and out of traffic while driving 120 mph and two inches away from the car in front of us, cutting in front of people and driving like, well, my hubby!

I would push that damn button every ten seconds due to lack of a driver's ed brake on the passenger side of the car....

although I still slam the floor and gasp loudly,

every ten seconds!!!  Which pisses him off.

What the shit!?

I would need a version that I could carry in my purse too.

Okay...bad idea because I can't find ANYTHING in my purse (most notably my ringing phone) so it should probably be a really tiny version that I could put on the side of my watch, I always have access to that...

so I can measure if I'm going to be late or early.... which never works and is why I need an "oh shit" button for my timing issues too....

Shit....maybe I'll have to keep thinking on where to keep this mobile button...

Regardless, I need one.

I would use it when I say stupid stuff like "Hi friend...you are looking so beautiful and thin in that new outfit!" garnering the response of "Soooo...you are saying normally I do NOT look beautiful and thin...gee, thanks"!

Lighten up and chill out, you drama queen shit!

I would hit that button every single time I hear my mother's words come out of my mouth, things like "if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it?"  or "just because some kids get to watch rated PG-13 movies, does not mean YOU get to watch PG-13 movies!"

I would hit it every time we drive past a frozen yogurt shop and my boys said, "mom, can we?"

And I would need it for Target too...every time they are with me in that store they start with "moooommmmmmm, we love you soooo much....can we just go LOOOOK at the toys?  We won't ask for ANYTHING, we just want to LOOK!!!"

That right there is some messed up shit! Not because they ask, but because I'm stupid enough to believe that THIS time they are serious!!!

Duhhhh mom!!!

Or when my son asks me if I want to try out his scooter.  And I say yes. And I am headed downhill and can't balance well enough to use my foot to hit the back of the scooter to engage the "brake".

Yea...that would have been a GOOOOD freakin' time to have an "oh shit" button.

No shit!

I could have used it a lot when I was a Principal. Not with the kids..the kids were easy peasy and made me happy every day. Even when they were ornery...they did some funnnny shit!!

I would have clicked the shit out of it when I walked down the hallway and forgot where I was going and what I was going to do because I stopped so many times and talked to people.

And there were some "special" people that I would have hit it as hard as I could the minute I saw them coming in the office door.

No shit!

I would have used it every chicken leg day at lunch.Watching those kindergarten gremlins devour those things and suck those bones dry...heebie jeebies to this day, I'm irreversibly scarred for life!!

In fact, I think the "oh shit" button should also be reversible so you could use on others,

to help them back up and try again.

I would have used it every day when I would finally take ten seconds to try to go pee and inevitably a teacher would see me in the the hallway and need to ask me a question that "just couldn't wait".....ten seconds...so they followed me into the bathroom and continued to talk while I peed.

I would point that bad boy right at the teacher and she would get to "try again" and let me pee in peace.

I would take the button with me when I go out dancing with my friends (on one of two occasions in the past ten years) and I would use it on a lot of people!

First, I would click it for the lady in her 60's in the zebra striped shirt that was clearly drunk beyond all measure and dancing on the bar like she was in Coyote Ugly.

Now let me clarify, I'm really all for the spunk and fun...that part made me smile, it was more about the actual motions themselves...

WHOA!

That was some "I do NOT need to see this" shit!!

I would also use it for the entire group of "swingers" that came to the bar to enjoy themselves,

and their friends' significant others.

I could NOT stop watching because I was frozen in shock...and confusion!!  I'm not making that shit up. It was like watching a train wreck, I knew it wasn't going to end well but I could not look away. Friends would literally close my mouth as my jaw was gaping open the entire night!

And that...

is messed UP shit!

I would use the button for all of the karaoke solos and group performances I've ever done.

Sorry about that shit everyone!

And I would use it for every ten shot tequila night I ever did...there were entirely too many. One morning I found my tequila bottle in the middle of my backyard, Brian said he threw it out there and said, "NO MORE TEQUILA!"

I don't remember that shit, but I've heard about it. Over and over and over and over....

I think I would need companion buttons such as the "bitch please don't even give me that shit" button.

I could use that a LOT.

So when someone says something really stupid like "I think I would rather die than have a mastectomy. I don't know how you did it" (not making that shit up)

I would push it and yell, "Listen up bitch....I'm gonna say this one last time...

MY.BOOBS.TRIED.TO.KILL.ME!

So I cut them off AND I felt like a ninja warrior princess ass kicker!"

TAKE THAT SHIT!

The other companion button I would have would be one just for husbands.

Ladies, boyfriends don't count, you aren't stuck with that shit yet so you can walk away...

It would be the "you probably need to think about that shit before you say it" button.

It would prevent things like, "Woman..I will take care of that when I get a minute"

(as he's sitting on the couch watching ESPN)

It would also prevent personal injury....to the husband person.

And it would help prioritize shit in the right order.

My needs first!

It's like a two-fer button!!

Now that shit rocks!!!

Yup....

There is a lot of shit that could be fixed with some "oh shit" buttons.

Next time I catch a leprechaun or find a genie in a bottle,

That is the shit I'm asking for.

Zachism Saturday, The Birthday Sushi..

Zach turned 10 this week! Holy smokes, where does the time go?

I asked him what he wanted for his birthday dinner, expecting him to come up with something I could make at home.

Instead, he said...

SUSHI!! He LOVES sushi!!

Crazy thing is that one of his friends has a birthday on the same day so when I went to lunch at school with Zach, I told his friend HBD too! He said they were going to have sushi for dinner!! 

I almost fell over!

So...we were at the sushi place when we see these eyes pop over the little room we were in and it was another one of Zach's friends coming for...sushi!! :)  Small, sushi filled, world! LOL! I had posted a pic of us in our room on Facebook, and our friends recognized it when they walked in and were able to find us!!

So as the Brian and Zach were eating their Miso Soup (I passed...) Zach got very serious and said,

"Mom...this soup is a lot like you!"

I was worried.

"It's warm, comforting and I love it..."

Awwww...however, Brian and I were looking at each other like "huh?" :) Cute but a little strange...sorta symbolic of our family I guess!! LOL!!

Then he thought for a minute and added, "It's just like this piece of tofu!"

At that point, Brian coughed and nearly spat out his soup! (it was hilarious)

Then Brian said, "I know what's going to be going up on Saturday"

LOL!

Me and tofu...twins baby!! 

(which is incidentally the reason I passed on the soup) :)

Happy Birthday Zach! :)