Each Saturday, I will share a "Zachism" with you.
Zach is our nine year old and he makes me giggle...
and he's not trying! :)
He's just a joyful, fun kid and I love him!!!
Hope it makes you giggle too.
This week, we were in the car driving somewhere and Zach said,
"Mom, if I don't get a job when I graduate from college,
I could always be a mime."
And being the supportive mother, I said,
"ummmm......no."
So without even stopping for even a second he said,
"Rapper?"
Look out world..here comes Ice Ice Zachy!!! :)
SMH! ;)
Have a great weekend!!
Welcome! I am a married breast cancer survivor, multiple sclerosis fighter, momcologist, childhood cancer foundation president, fun-loving, quirky,determined, persistent, (sometimes bitchy), and HOPEful mom of two sons. My life is focused on finding the simple joys of love, laughter, celebration, detours, and hope every day! And...this is my life...No, SERIOUSLY...it's really my life!! :)
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Holland...
I came across a story several years ago when I was a teacher.
I had no way of knowing that my own son would show me how very true it is.
It can really be applied to any situation in life, not just having a child with a disability.
We've believed Braden had autism since he was 8 months old.
And we have been doing therapies for that very thing from that time until now.
It's just the cancer mess got in the way and we didn't have time to get a diagnosis until this fall.
The psychologist, or whatever her title was, did her tests with Braden and then asked us to come back into the room.
I knew it was going to be autism...I had told her I was 99.9% sure it was.
And she confirmed it.
A few weeks later, her formal report arrived in the mail.
I read it and cried.
It boiled my sweet boy down to test scores and numbers and generalizations...
according to her...
he was going to need immediate, intensive programming. We needed to take advantage of these million resources they had available to us and we needed to do it now because time was important...and we would have to reach out this this and that group...and do this thing and that thing....and......on and on and on....
They followed up with repeated phone calls to try to get me to ACT NOW...
It's not a Ginsu Knife commercial people...
I don't have to call in the next 30 seconds or the offer goes away!!
(and...we have been doing intensive programming...they just haven't been in the loop!) :)
I appreciate the available resources, and I appreciate the concern, but...
what the psychwhatever didn't "get" was that the autism diagnosis was really okay with us.
They were SWOOPING in to "fix" it. In a BIG way.
All of these demands to fix things and change things and blah blah blah blah blah...
I'm beyond "fixing" it..
I embraced it years ago.
Now, don't doubt that we try very hard to help Braden become all he can be, and we want him to grow and learn and become independent.
We work to make Braden's life as good as it can be, we push him to learn and grow and he has gone through INTENSIVE therapies...I mean INTENSIVE therapies.... but
autism is NOT the end of the world!!
REALLY!
It is TRULY just a speed bump for us in comparison to everything else!!
And they were acting like Henny Penny...
the sky is actually NOT falling people!!!
CHILL!!!
I know they are worried about what is going to happen when he goes to middle school...what program is he going to be in and then what will happen when he's 18 and then 21...what will we do, where will he transition...so many questions and decisions!!?
So very Henny Penny-esq...
Frankly, I'm still stuck on the less than 10% chance of being alive in 2016.
THAT is a BIG deal!!
When Braden was 8 months old, I was hysterical, thinking my son had autism and wondering what kind of future he could possibly have...
I just wanted him to be able to play ball with his brother in the backyard, drive a car, go on a first date, go to college, get in trouble, have successes, and live a full life.
"normalcy"
And then the cancer mess hit and I didn't care one bit about any of those things anymore.
My definition of "normalcy" is no chemo, no pain, no holding him through horrible procedure after horrible procedure, no NG tubes, no central lines, no PICU stays, no more life/death decisions every week, hair, living at our home, seeing Zach every day instead of every now and then...
The fight was to keep Braden alive...not to fix his autism!!
(and we did a lot of therapies along the way and the academic and social growth this child has accomplished is truly AMAZING!!!)
So that report made me cry...Braden Hofen is NOT a generalization or a recommendation or a number...
...oh the numbers....
The report gave his IQ score.
UGHHH! I had NO idea she was doing an IQ test or I would have stopped her!
Having been an educator for over 20 years, that number hit the hardest.

Autism is a lot like having a brain that works like it was a piece of swiss cheese.
Some things (MANY things) are completely normal and solid for Braden...he's a hugger, lover, loves to play with others and he learns things...
and teaches me even more!
Someday, I will tell you about the lessons that boy has taught me...they are the most important lessons in the world!
BUT...there are a lot of holes in his thinking. Many things are just incredibly weak...abstract concepts being one of those, speech/language is another...
And that IQ score was a reflection of those holes. They didn't measure what Braden Hofen was GOOD at,
they measured the holes...
I knew that yet...
even knowing that, the number was devastating.
I feared that some people reading that number would think, "ohhhh....poor baby...he's an "X" on his IQ test so there's no WAY he's going to understand what we are trying to teach him...we should stop.
So I sat on the report for a bit...and then took it to our school Principal (who I admire greatly. I've known and worked with for about 16 years).
I told him my concern and asked him to please make sure no one interpreted things that way.
I believe that the holes can be compensated for...not necessarily filled, but compensated for...
and I didn't want anyone to give up on Braden and quit because he's an "X".
Braden has shown us that over and over and over again!!
Our Principal smiled and said that everyone knows IQ scores are invalid for kids with autism.
I really like that man!!
Braden's teams at his preschool and his grade school are amazing and I will tell you about them one day as well!! I can't WAIT for that day...we are the most blessed people in the world to have a team of educators and a school of kids that are 110% behind Braden!!!
As I read that report, I wanted to send this story about Holland to the psychodoc...
It says it all...much better than I could ever do.
I hope you enjoy it!!
Life is about "Holland Encounters"...
Life is about PERSPECTIVE, GRATITUDE, POSITIVITY and PARADIGM SHIFTS!
Shoot...shift your perspective no matter what you have a pair of.... ;)
Change with it...adapt...embrace...like Tim Gunn would say,
"Make it work people!!"
HOLLAND
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
Have a "Holland Day" friends!!
Deliece
I had no way of knowing that my own son would show me how very true it is.
It can really be applied to any situation in life, not just having a child with a disability.
We've believed Braden had autism since he was 8 months old.
And we have been doing therapies for that very thing from that time until now.
![]() |
| Braden with Miss Fuller and Miss Kim...his paras in 1st grade! LOVE THESE LADIES!! |
The psychologist, or whatever her title was, did her tests with Braden and then asked us to come back into the room.
I knew it was going to be autism...I had told her I was 99.9% sure it was.
And she confirmed it.
A few weeks later, her formal report arrived in the mail.
I read it and cried.
It boiled my sweet boy down to test scores and numbers and generalizations...
according to her...
he was going to need immediate, intensive programming. We needed to take advantage of these million resources they had available to us and we needed to do it now because time was important...and we would have to reach out this this and that group...and do this thing and that thing....and......on and on and on....
They followed up with repeated phone calls to try to get me to ACT NOW...
It's not a Ginsu Knife commercial people...
I don't have to call in the next 30 seconds or the offer goes away!!
(and...we have been doing intensive programming...they just haven't been in the loop!) :)
I appreciate the available resources, and I appreciate the concern, but...
what the psychwhatever didn't "get" was that the autism diagnosis was really okay with us.
They were SWOOPING in to "fix" it. In a BIG way.
All of these demands to fix things and change things and blah blah blah blah blah...
I embraced it years ago.
Now, don't doubt that we try very hard to help Braden become all he can be, and we want him to grow and learn and become independent.
We work to make Braden's life as good as it can be, we push him to learn and grow and he has gone through INTENSIVE therapies...I mean INTENSIVE therapies.... but
autism is NOT the end of the world!!
REALLY!
It is TRULY just a speed bump for us in comparison to everything else!!
And they were acting like Henny Penny...
the sky is actually NOT falling people!!!
CHILL!!!
I know they are worried about what is going to happen when he goes to middle school...what program is he going to be in and then what will happen when he's 18 and then 21...what will we do, where will he transition...so many questions and decisions!!?
So very Henny Penny-esq...
Frankly, I'm still stuck on the less than 10% chance of being alive in 2016.
THAT is a BIG deal!!When Braden was 8 months old, I was hysterical, thinking my son had autism and wondering what kind of future he could possibly have...
I just wanted him to be able to play ball with his brother in the backyard, drive a car, go on a first date, go to college, get in trouble, have successes, and live a full life.
"normalcy"
And then the cancer mess hit and I didn't care one bit about any of those things anymore.
My definition of "normalcy" is no chemo, no pain, no holding him through horrible procedure after horrible procedure, no NG tubes, no central lines, no PICU stays, no more life/death decisions every week, hair, living at our home, seeing Zach every day instead of every now and then...
The fight was to keep Braden alive...not to fix his autism!!
(and we did a lot of therapies along the way and the academic and social growth this child has accomplished is truly AMAZING!!!)
So that report made me cry...Braden Hofen is NOT a generalization or a recommendation or a number...
...oh the numbers....
The report gave his IQ score.
UGHHH! I had NO idea she was doing an IQ test or I would have stopped her!
Having been an educator for over 20 years, that number hit the hardest.

Autism is a lot like having a brain that works like it was a piece of swiss cheese.
Some things (MANY things) are completely normal and solid for Braden...he's a hugger, lover, loves to play with others and he learns things...
and teaches me even more!
Someday, I will tell you about the lessons that boy has taught me...they are the most important lessons in the world!
BUT...there are a lot of holes in his thinking. Many things are just incredibly weak...abstract concepts being one of those, speech/language is another...
And that IQ score was a reflection of those holes. They didn't measure what Braden Hofen was GOOD at,
they measured the holes...
I knew that yet...
even knowing that, the number was devastating.
I feared that some people reading that number would think, "ohhhh....poor baby...he's an "X" on his IQ test so there's no WAY he's going to understand what we are trying to teach him...we should stop.
I told him my concern and asked him to please make sure no one interpreted things that way.
I believe that the holes can be compensated for...not necessarily filled, but compensated for...
and I didn't want anyone to give up on Braden and quit because he's an "X".
Braden has shown us that over and over and over again!!
Our Principal smiled and said that everyone knows IQ scores are invalid for kids with autism.
I really like that man!!
Braden's teams at his preschool and his grade school are amazing and I will tell you about them one day as well!! I can't WAIT for that day...we are the most blessed people in the world to have a team of educators and a school of kids that are 110% behind Braden!!!
As I read that report, I wanted to send this story about Holland to the psychodoc...
It says it all...much better than I could ever do.
I hope you enjoy it!!
Life is about "Holland Encounters"...
Life is about PERSPECTIVE, GRATITUDE, POSITIVITY and PARADIGM SHIFTS!
Shoot...shift your perspective no matter what you have a pair of.... ;)
Change with it...adapt...embrace...like Tim Gunn would say,
"Make it work people!!"
This is Braden with his "Miss Kim" who works with him every day! LOVE HER!!!
HOLLAND
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
Have a "Holland Day" friends!!
Deliece
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Dr. Jekyl and Momma Hyde...
In January or February of 2011, (I honestly can't remember which) as I sat in my breast surgeon's office listening to her tell me about the pathology and histology of my breast cancer, my jaw was on the floor.
She said she knew it was overwhelming and asked if I was okay.
I said no.
But not for the reason she thought...I was in shock...again, not for the reason she thought.
I had stage II invasive ductal carcinoma...fortunately, a type of breast cancer that there is a lot known about and there are a lot of options for treatments.
This was at the same time Braden was at the end of his options...
She was telling me that my cancer was this and that and because of this and that they could do these and those treatments that were effective for MY cancer's pathology and histology, specifically!
I was pissed.
Period.
In three years, we had searched for information about neuroblastoma, but it didn't exist because scientists don't have money to do the research for childhood cancer.
I didn't care if I lived, I wanted my SON to live...and I had 87% odds, he had less than 10%.
Just think about that for a minute. What if you were in the same position with your child??
I don't know any parent who wouldn't give their life for their child's.
I wanted nothing more than to give the hope I was getting to him....
and I couldn't.
I felt helpless.
And mad.
That was the moment we decided to start a foundation to change that.
Well...one of the treatments, because of the specific indicators of my cancer, was that I elected to have an ovarectomy and start taking medication to shut down all of the hormones in my body.
My cancer is highly receptive to hormones...meaning they feed the beast, so we eliminate them and I have a better chance of not having to hassle with this again...and be able to be there for Braden and Zach!
I started Tamoxofen not long after the conclusion of my chemo.
It threw me into "the change"...you know.."THE change"....
I had heard about menopause, and it's "gifts".
Rumors of hot flashes and night sweats...and more,
But I was tough...it wasn't going to be anything for me!
Whoa buddy...was I wrong!! :)
Hot flashes are a lot like someone having a voodoo doll of you...
and at random intervals, that person thrusts the head of said voodoo doll into...
a blast furnace.
Not kidding.
This sickening feeling of being thrown into a 1500 degree oven overtakes your entire body.
My hot flashes don't last that long...seconds to a few minutes...but I have like 60 a day,
yes, I counted them once.
And you NEVER know when they are going to hit...and they come with an additional bonus...
the urge to rip someone's head off and roll it down the street,
just for sport! (tee hee hee) LOL!
Kidding....
sort of. :)
The other day, I had just gone through the Starbucks drive thru...I don't drink coffee but I love their hot chocolate
(I know...it's messed up). :)
I started driving down the road and one hit..so I peeled off my coat...
That wasn't enough,
by a long shot...
SO I was about to roll down the window...but it was about 20 degrees outside, and I KNEW people would be staring at the blonde woman with her head hanging out the window like a dog headed to the dog park! :)
(But I REFUSE to wag my tail....girl's gotta have her limits!)
So, I elected to turn on the AC full blast.
And there I was driving down the road, AC blasting full force, sweating like I had just run a marathon.
I was pretty sure that every person at the stoplights was staring at me wondering why the chick in the white vehicle was panting and fanning... :)
...sing along,
"I felt pretty...oh so pretty...!"
Then there's the night sweats,
you wake up in your very own private swimming pool,
so you fling off the covers,
and two seconds later you are freezing... so you grab the covers...
only to repeat 400 times per night! :)
AWESOME!! :)
And then there's the "mood swings". My husband is never sure who is going to be home when he gets here...Dr. Jekyl or Momma Hyde...
I'll be cooking dinner...la dee da dee da...
and one hits and suddenly, my entire attitude changes...
and I have a knife in my hand... (snicker, snicker)
be afraid,
be VERY afraid... LOL!!!
No task is without it's precious moments,
I will be blow drying my hair and am standing there with a gallon of sweat running down my face so I can't put my makeup on just yet....the next action (to cool my face off before the make up thing) is based on what season it is:
Winter...run to the window and fling it open for a minute, or two.
Summer...run to the freezer and fling it open for a minute, or two.
Seriously!! :)
And as much as I laugh about all this "stuff", I am blessed and fortunate that I have a kind of cancer that allows me to have something I can do to help prevent it from coming back.
And I DO feel blessed!!
I've switched over to Arimidex and it's better since then...no more night sweats and crazy mood swings but the hot flashes remain the same!
(not sure Brian would agree about those mood swings though!!) :)
Some days you just have to laugh!!!
Hope you did too!
She said she knew it was overwhelming and asked if I was okay.
I said no.
| My loves! |
I had stage II invasive ductal carcinoma...fortunately, a type of breast cancer that there is a lot known about and there are a lot of options for treatments.
This was at the same time Braden was at the end of his options...
She was telling me that my cancer was this and that and because of this and that they could do these and those treatments that were effective for MY cancer's pathology and histology, specifically!
I was pissed.
Period.
In three years, we had searched for information about neuroblastoma, but it didn't exist because scientists don't have money to do the research for childhood cancer.
I didn't care if I lived, I wanted my SON to live...and I had 87% odds, he had less than 10%.
Just think about that for a minute. What if you were in the same position with your child??
I don't know any parent who wouldn't give their life for their child's.
I wanted nothing more than to give the hope I was getting to him....
and I couldn't.
I felt helpless.
And mad.
That was the moment we decided to start a foundation to change that.
Well...one of the treatments, because of the specific indicators of my cancer, was that I elected to have an ovarectomy and start taking medication to shut down all of the hormones in my body.
My cancer is highly receptive to hormones...meaning they feed the beast, so we eliminate them and I have a better chance of not having to hassle with this again...and be able to be there for Braden and Zach!
![]() |
| He went first...made it easier to lose mine! :) |
It threw me into "the change"...you know.."THE change"....
I had heard about menopause, and it's "gifts".
Rumors of hot flashes and night sweats...and more,
But I was tough...it wasn't going to be anything for me!
Whoa buddy...was I wrong!! :)
Hot flashes are a lot like someone having a voodoo doll of you...
and at random intervals, that person thrusts the head of said voodoo doll into...
a blast furnace.
Not kidding.
This sickening feeling of being thrown into a 1500 degree oven overtakes your entire body.
My hot flashes don't last that long...seconds to a few minutes...but I have like 60 a day,
yes, I counted them once.
And you NEVER know when they are going to hit...and they come with an additional bonus...
the urge to rip someone's head off and roll it down the street,
just for sport! (tee hee hee) LOL!
Kidding....
sort of. :)
The other day, I had just gone through the Starbucks drive thru...I don't drink coffee but I love their hot chocolate
(I know...it's messed up). :)
I started driving down the road and one hit..so I peeled off my coat...
That wasn't enough,
by a long shot...
SO I was about to roll down the window...but it was about 20 degrees outside, and I KNEW people would be staring at the blonde woman with her head hanging out the window like a dog headed to the dog park! :)
(But I REFUSE to wag my tail....girl's gotta have her limits!)
So, I elected to turn on the AC full blast.
And there I was driving down the road, AC blasting full force, sweating like I had just run a marathon.
I was pretty sure that every person at the stoplights was staring at me wondering why the chick in the white vehicle was panting and fanning... :)
![]() |
| Pretty, Hott...whichever! |
"I felt pretty...oh so pretty...!"
Then there's the night sweats,
you wake up in your very own private swimming pool,
so you fling off the covers,
and two seconds later you are freezing... so you grab the covers...
only to repeat 400 times per night! :)
AWESOME!! :)
And then there's the "mood swings". My husband is never sure who is going to be home when he gets here...Dr. Jekyl or Momma Hyde...
I'll be cooking dinner...la dee da dee da...
and one hits and suddenly, my entire attitude changes...
and I have a knife in my hand... (snicker, snicker)
be afraid,
be VERY afraid... LOL!!!
No task is without it's precious moments,
I will be blow drying my hair and am standing there with a gallon of sweat running down my face so I can't put my makeup on just yet....the next action (to cool my face off before the make up thing) is based on what season it is:
Winter...run to the window and fling it open for a minute, or two.
Summer...run to the freezer and fling it open for a minute, or two.
Seriously!! :)
And as much as I laugh about all this "stuff", I am blessed and fortunate that I have a kind of cancer that allows me to have something I can do to help prevent it from coming back.
And I DO feel blessed!!
I've switched over to Arimidex and it's better since then...no more night sweats and crazy mood swings but the hot flashes remain the same!
(not sure Brian would agree about those mood swings though!!) :)
Some days you just have to laugh!!!
Hope you did too!
| Look closely by my lips...I have always believed that was Miranda giving me a kiss for my birthday! My 3 kids! |
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
ABT-751...
This is the third part of the second remission story. And I'll give away the ending...
there isn't an ending yet...
and that rocks!!!
January 27, it will be the two year mark for Braden to be in a second remission!! HOLY MOLY!! Incredible!
Thank you Lord!
After the chemo to get him in second remission,
and then the immunotherapy...
came a time in our lives when we were faced with few options again.
The reality and truth is that Braden did not get all of his immunotherapy because of his reactions and all of the mishaps.
And...he was the first child in the world to receive it in the case of a relapse so there was no data showing it would make a difference and work for him...
yea...all that and we have no way to know if it worked or not...
seriously!
It was another "just jump" moment when we asked for it.
SO...we were looking for something else, something that would have limited side effects yet could offer the chance to seek out and finish off any hidden cells.
I had an idea...and Dr. Mosse had the same idea. :)
ABT-751.
It was offered to us before his 8 months of Irinotecan and Temodar as our "last ditch effort" to buy time.
What is ABT-751...WELL...
it's an investigation medication made by Abbott Labs. It is a chemo, but it's a "smart chemo" and works a little differently than traditional chemo.
First of all, Braden drinks it. 5ml for 7 days, then two weeks off. It's all done from home and arrives via Fed X! :)
And his counts are not seriously compromised and he lives life just like any other kiddo.
It rocks...
and yes there are nasty side effects but so much fewer than the other treatments, it seems like Ibuprofen to us!
Although the label says, and I quote...
"Wear glasses, mask and gown if potential exists for splashing/spattering exists".
Ummm....but Braden's supposed to drink it???
Really???
And...we are THRILLED to have the opportunity for him to take it!!!
This is the EASIEST treatment he's ever done.
cAncer stinks...and its treatments stink too...period!
ABT-751 goes into the nb cancer cell and there is something in the drug or about the drug?? (what I don't know) that doesn't allow the cancer cell to pump the chemo back out as happens with many refractory disease cells. So it sticks in the cell and kills it.
MUCH more targeted than regular chemo.
SO...Dr. Mosse went about applying for ABT-751 for Braden.
But...because "Seriously, this is my life!" it didn't go smoothly. :)
You HAD to know that was coming...unless this is your first day read of this blog! ;)
Abbott Labs told Dr. Mosse that they were going to stop making ABT-751. It apparently had not helped a large enough population to be financially rewarding.
Don't even get me started on the injustice of THAT!
Okay...I have to...but I'll be quick...ish.
cAncer is the #1 killer of children by disease yet only ONE....ONE drug has been developed for treatment of chidhood cancer since the 1980's...
Over 50 have been developed for adults in that same time period.
The rationale provided for that discrepency is that our kids "incidentally benefit" from adult cancer drugs.
PROBLEM is...
Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that childhood cancers are different in their histology and pathology than their adult counterparts.
Medulablastoma, for example...kids cancer cells are DIFFERENT than adult cells under a microscope, but...
ALL we have to treat childhood disease is adult cancer drugs.
And we wonder why it isn't working?
I'm no doctor or researcher, but
DUHHHH!!! Seems pretty easy to figure out to me!!
And I'm blonde!! LOL!!
Our foundation is trying to change that...we fund research for targeted treatments to shut down the activators of childhood cancer and to find out what those activators are...our philosophy is simple....
It's just like Smoky Bear said, "prevent the forest fire".
Why spend millions of dollars trying to put the raging fire out..PREVENT it...shut it down before it gets out of control.
AND...if we can do that with childhood cancers...scientists believe...
we could perhaps PREVENT it from occuring in adults as well.
I would call that a DIRECT benefit...not "incidental".
SO...I'm pretty sure the reason our kids don't have treatment options isn't because that "incidental benefit" thing is such a great deal...
I'm guess is boils down to $...
or maybe $...
or power...or perhaps...
$... ;)
I digress...(but feel better because I said it). :)
Well, Dr. Mosse was able to appeal and get Abbott Labs to allow Braden to be the last child to be accepted for ABT-751.
Last child in the world. AMAZING!
Abbott Labs promised to make his medication for 3 years.
WOO HOOO!!
The thought of not having to make a planned therapy decision for 3 years was incredible!!
We just hoped it would work.
Braden started ABT-751 in August of 2011 a little over a month after ending his immunotherapy.
He's been on it since and his scans have continued to show that he is in remission during the time he has been taking it.
That seems like a simple sentence, but the miracle behind those few words is immeasurable.
This past October, when we went in for scans (we scan in Philly every 3 months), Dr. Mosse told us that unfortunately Abbott had decided that they would not have enough medication for 3 years and his therapy would end in June of 2012...just a few months away.
14 months shy of what they promised him.
WHAT????????????????
They said 3 years...and this is our son's life.
I asked Dr. Mosse about other options, but there was nothing.
I stewed....
and stewed....
and then decided that wasn't right...
and I had to fight for it.
It was our son's life that was in the balance.
Dr. Mosse said there was no battle to wage, they just weren't making it anymore for adults or children. She thought my energy would be better spent on something else.
I disagreed.
SO...I contacted Abbott Labs. (have I mentioned I'm stubborn?)
And I politely asked for them to reconsider.
Really....I was polite!
And I didn't even curse (a lot)!! :)
I told them Braden's story...
and I told them that I could not prove that the reason he remained in a second remission was because of the ABT-751, but...
they could not prove that it wasn't.
Braden's life could well depend on him receiving the full 3 years of his therapy...
Additionally, I told them that they wouldn't even know if Braden died, but
our family would. And we would be the ones to live with empty arms and broken hearts.
Since October, they have been "considering".
Well...time is ticking...and I kept following up and checking in to see how things were progressing.
NOT too much...really...just enough that they knew I was serious, just 2-3 emails over 2 months.
Stalking wouldn't help me!! LOL!!
(but if that is all it took, I would have been all over it...you can believe that!) :)
Then they quit responding to my emails.
Momma Bear was panicking inside.
It is highly illogical to think that one momma can beat a pharmaceutical company with thousands of attorneys and billions of dollars...
and .000000001% compassion for a child who could die...
SO...I searched for a hero to help us fight this company...and I found one.
BEST hero a family could ever hope for.
And Abbott Labs has once again been responsive, thanks to this hero.
BUT...I don't have a final answer from them yet...I'm trying to wait very patiently
(and by the way...I SUCK at the patience thing),
but I have HOPE!
So who is the hero? Who is the person stepping up and helping us ask for them to reconsider their position?
No, it's not a lawsuit...
........I'm gonna wait and tell you who it is a little later in this journey...
...I know...soo mean of me! :)
And you will cheer when you hear who this hero is...and you will believe in people doing the right thing just because they can.
Hopefully, we will hear VERY soon!!!
My blood pressure can't take too much more of this worrying and wondering.
Seriously.
We are fighting for more time...every day where we can make memories together like the ones you have seen in the pictures on this page today, is priceless!
HOPE....TAKE THAT cANCER!!!
there isn't an ending yet...
and that rocks!!!
![]() |
| Braden's Second Grade Picture...MIRACLE! |
Thank you Lord!
After the chemo to get him in second remission,
and then the immunotherapy...
came a time in our lives when we were faced with few options again.
The reality and truth is that Braden did not get all of his immunotherapy because of his reactions and all of the mishaps.
And...he was the first child in the world to receive it in the case of a relapse so there was no data showing it would make a difference and work for him...
yea...all that and we have no way to know if it worked or not...
seriously!
It was another "just jump" moment when we asked for it.
SO...we were looking for something else, something that would have limited side effects yet could offer the chance to seek out and finish off any hidden cells.
I had an idea...and Dr. Mosse had the same idea. :)
ABT-751.
It was offered to us before his 8 months of Irinotecan and Temodar as our "last ditch effort" to buy time.
What is ABT-751...WELL...
it's an investigation medication made by Abbott Labs. It is a chemo, but it's a "smart chemo" and works a little differently than traditional chemo.
First of all, Braden drinks it. 5ml for 7 days, then two weeks off. It's all done from home and arrives via Fed X! :)
And his counts are not seriously compromised and he lives life just like any other kiddo.
It rocks...
and yes there are nasty side effects but so much fewer than the other treatments, it seems like Ibuprofen to us!
Although the label says, and I quote...
"Wear glasses, mask and gown if potential exists for splashing/spattering exists".
Ummm....but Braden's supposed to drink it???
Really???
And...we are THRILLED to have the opportunity for him to take it!!!
This is the EASIEST treatment he's ever done.
cAncer stinks...and its treatments stink too...period!
| A Day At The Park...Detour! |
MUCH more targeted than regular chemo.
SO...Dr. Mosse went about applying for ABT-751 for Braden.
But...because "Seriously, this is my life!" it didn't go smoothly. :)
You HAD to know that was coming...unless this is your first day read of this blog! ;)
Abbott Labs told Dr. Mosse that they were going to stop making ABT-751. It apparently had not helped a large enough population to be financially rewarding.
Don't even get me started on the injustice of THAT!
Okay...I have to...but I'll be quick...ish.
cAncer is the #1 killer of children by disease yet only ONE....ONE drug has been developed for treatment of chidhood cancer since the 1980's...
Over 50 have been developed for adults in that same time period.
The rationale provided for that discrepency is that our kids "incidentally benefit" from adult cancer drugs.
PROBLEM is...
Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that childhood cancers are different in their histology and pathology than their adult counterparts.
Medulablastoma, for example...kids cancer cells are DIFFERENT than adult cells under a microscope, but...
ALL we have to treat childhood disease is adult cancer drugs.
And we wonder why it isn't working?
I'm no doctor or researcher, but
DUHHHH!!! Seems pretty easy to figure out to me!!
And I'm blonde!! LOL!!
Our foundation is trying to change that...we fund research for targeted treatments to shut down the activators of childhood cancer and to find out what those activators are...our philosophy is simple....
It's just like Smoky Bear said, "prevent the forest fire".
Why spend millions of dollars trying to put the raging fire out..PREVENT it...shut it down before it gets out of control.
AND...if we can do that with childhood cancers...scientists believe...
we could perhaps PREVENT it from occuring in adults as well.
I would call that a DIRECT benefit...not "incidental".
SO...I'm pretty sure the reason our kids don't have treatment options isn't because that "incidental benefit" thing is such a great deal...
I'm guess is boils down to $...
or maybe $...
or power...or perhaps...
$... ;)
I digress...(but feel better because I said it). :)
Well, Dr. Mosse was able to appeal and get Abbott Labs to allow Braden to be the last child to be accepted for ABT-751.
Last child in the world. AMAZING!
| He makes me smile! |
Abbott Labs promised to make his medication for 3 years.
WOO HOOO!!
The thought of not having to make a planned therapy decision for 3 years was incredible!!
We just hoped it would work.
Braden started ABT-751 in August of 2011 a little over a month after ending his immunotherapy.
He's been on it since and his scans have continued to show that he is in remission during the time he has been taking it.
That seems like a simple sentence, but the miracle behind those few words is immeasurable.
This past October, when we went in for scans (we scan in Philly every 3 months), Dr. Mosse told us that unfortunately Abbott had decided that they would not have enough medication for 3 years and his therapy would end in June of 2012...just a few months away.
14 months shy of what they promised him.
WHAT????????????????
They said 3 years...and this is our son's life.
I asked Dr. Mosse about other options, but there was nothing.
I stewed....
and stewed....
and then decided that wasn't right...
and I had to fight for it.
| Silly boy! |
It was our son's life that was in the balance.
Dr. Mosse said there was no battle to wage, they just weren't making it anymore for adults or children. She thought my energy would be better spent on something else.
I disagreed.
SO...I contacted Abbott Labs. (have I mentioned I'm stubborn?)
And I politely asked for them to reconsider.
Really....I was polite!
And I didn't even curse (a lot)!! :)
I told them Braden's story...
and I told them that I could not prove that the reason he remained in a second remission was because of the ABT-751, but...
they could not prove that it wasn't.
Braden's life could well depend on him receiving the full 3 years of his therapy...
Additionally, I told them that they wouldn't even know if Braden died, but
our family would. And we would be the ones to live with empty arms and broken hearts.
Since October, they have been "considering".
Well...time is ticking...and I kept following up and checking in to see how things were progressing.
NOT too much...really...just enough that they knew I was serious, just 2-3 emails over 2 months.
Stalking wouldn't help me!! LOL!!
(but if that is all it took, I would have been all over it...you can believe that!) :)
| Love them! |
Momma Bear was panicking inside.
It is highly illogical to think that one momma can beat a pharmaceutical company with thousands of attorneys and billions of dollars...
and .000000001% compassion for a child who could die...
SO...I searched for a hero to help us fight this company...and I found one.
BEST hero a family could ever hope for.
And Abbott Labs has once again been responsive, thanks to this hero.
BUT...I don't have a final answer from them yet...I'm trying to wait very patiently
(and by the way...I SUCK at the patience thing),
but I have HOPE!
So who is the hero? Who is the person stepping up and helping us ask for them to reconsider their position?
No, it's not a lawsuit...
........I'm gonna wait and tell you who it is a little later in this journey...
...I know...soo mean of me! :)
And you will cheer when you hear who this hero is...and you will believe in people doing the right thing just because they can.
Hopefully, we will hear VERY soon!!!
| My HOPE is more days like this one! |
Seriously.
We are fighting for more time...every day where we can make memories together like the ones you have seen in the pictures on this page today, is priceless!
HOPE....TAKE THAT cANCER!!!
My Irish side....and the continued fight for hope.
So, continuing the story from yesterday, the same day that we got the news that Braden was in a miraculous second remission...
----And there is SO MUCH I have left out that happened before the 8 months of chemo (we will cover that another day) :)
Dr. Mosse said what I had always believed.
Just because the scans showed no evidence of disease, did not mean that he had no cancer cells in his body.
It just meant that he had few enough cells that they couldn't be seen on his scans.
A second remission with neuroblastoma is extremely rare (they don't even keep numbers on that because there are so few), and the vast majority of those kids relapse a third time within 6-12 months.
Makes the point...most often it's not really gone, just hiding from the scan technology.
But...our kids don't have treatment options because most trials are written such that you must show evidence of disease to get treatment.
Again, it makes sense to treat kids who have disease...but we believed that he had disease remaining, but we couldn't see it.
Another angel whisper.
So Dr. Mosse mentioned a few therapies out there...there was ONE he might be able to qualify for, a new type of immunotherapy (ie antibody therapy). Kids could be in remission and receive it...
The next day she called me and said he couldn't qualify for it because there was one teeny piece of scar tissue showing (they were sure it was not cancer) and that ruled him out.
Damn.
So I thought and thought and thought...and again, after a dream, I woke up and sent another email to Dr. Mosse.
Let me back up to August 11, 2009,
when we found Braden's relapse, we were trying to qualify for immunotherapy.
Right after he was declared to be in his FIRST remission...I still felt like there were cells there and was fighting for more therapy.
At that same time, we got a letter from the NIH stating that the immunotherapy he had not received during his initial protocol, (due to a random draw) had shown to improve odds of survival for children like Braden by 20%...umm...that's a lot when you only have 30% to start.
SUPER! And damn.
So we decided to take them up on their offer to allow Braden to receive it. We would do immunotherapy and that would help get those cells I still believed were there.
But we had to scan to make sure he remained in remission before he could begin receiving it.
Immunotherapy is also supposed to be done within 110 days of bone marrow transplant.
It was considerably later than that for Braden.
Why within 110 days?? Well, here's how it works:
CH 14.18 is the name of the antibody used in immunotherapy. It is paired with cytokines that help the antibody seek out and bind to neuroblastoma cells. Once it attaches, it kills just those nb cells.
It's like a targeted missile. It seeks out ONLY its target and doesn't destroy all cells like chemotherapy.
AWESOME!!!
However, it additionally attaches to every nerve cell and it is EXTRAORDINARILY painful.
Transplant knocks out your entire immune system. You return to having less than the immune system of a fetus. You are at high risk from every single agent that can cause illness or infection.
As a result, you spend months in isolation from the world. 100 days. 100 days of no contact with the real world.
It's great (more sarcasm)...someday we will talk about transplant and those 100 days and my extreme germophobia!! LOL!
SO...if you do immunotherapy within 110 days of transplant, your system hasn't really started to fully reboot and begin to create immunities again yet. That is good for this therapy because your body doesn't recognize the CH 14.18 and the cytokines and try to fight them off as invaders as readily as when your immune system is more fully developed after those 110 days.
We decided to go for it and scanned to qualify and found his relapse which meant he couldn't proceed with the immunotherapy due to his progression of disease.
Horrible, devastating news...
So fast foward back to January 28, 2011
The day after we found out he was in a second remission and the day we found out Braden couldn't qualify for that "new immunotherapy" because of that scar tissue and I was thinking and thinking and had that dream and fired off the email to ask Dr. Mosse...
and asked her if NOW we could get Ch 14.18 immunotherapy for Braden since he had already been slated to receive it back in 2009.
She said she had already been working on it and that we would have to appeal to try to receive it on a compassionate care access basis. Because he had originally been slated to receive it and had been accounted for in the allotment of drug made, he might be able to get it. It was in very short supply and difficult to get access to. And...
It had never been done before.
No child have ever received CH 14.18 in the case of a relapse and second remission.
It works best in cases of "minimal residual disease" (MRD) and showing no evidence of disease was ideal.
Perfect....we elected to do immunotherapy at Children's Mercy in KC rather than in Philly...it would be the same therapy in either location and it would help to not have to pay for all of those flights as there were five rounds...a week long each.
HUGE mistake.
Well...we got it and began immunotherapy here.
Now let me just say right now..our nurses ROCKED it out!! They did.
Our oncologist, on the other hand, produced an epic fail!!
The very first day of immunotherapy, we did Braden's pre-meds, began his morphine to help with the pain and started the therapy.
Oh friends...I have held my son through more than I could ever explain...there have been times that I have held him not certain he would survive until the next day...
Nothing...NOTHING compared to this therapy.
It was beyond horrible...our son screamed in my arms and was shaking in unspeakable, shocking pain.
Our nurse kicked into action and immediately adjusted pain meds, I held him and rocked him and talked to him and told him how we were trying to help...we would help. He looked at me while his eyes showed complete terror, and he begged me to make it better.
I tried to be calming, but tears were in my eyes and my heart was falling into pieces. It was simply horrible.
And then...he couldn't breathe...anaphalyxis.
We shut it down, administered the epi-pen, we needed to follow it with a second, and were about to head to the PICU when he started recovering.
That was an awesome hour.
(more thick sarcasm)

It was the most horrific thing I have ever witnessed with Braden.
I had to fight like hell to get the docs to analyze why it happened and what we could do to try to fix it for the next day. The docs wanted to just scrap immunotherapy for Braden without finding out what happened and why. Our nurses helped me fight.
We had a plan, new pain meds...higher dose of pain meds...by a bunch...multiple pre-meds for the allergic reaction...slower administration rate....we were ready.
Our KC oncologist walked into the room the next morning and said,
"Well...I heard what happened yesterday and you are getting exactly what you wanted!"
(he didn't agree that we should be treating since he was showing no evidence of disease)
And I said, "Stop right there....don't you DARE tell me that I wanted to hold my son while he writhed in pain and couldn't breathe...I'm trying to save my son so back OFF of that line of thinking or leave!"
He backed off...
and likely saved his family jewels. :)
Well...we were able to make it through the rest of the round running it as slowly as possible (not getting the entire dose in but getting most of it in).
Then two weeks later, we came back for more...
Second round started....
Unknown to me, the docs had not ordered Braden's meds that kept him from going into anaphalyxis round the clock like they needed to be ordered.
One of the nurses even questioned it but was told he didn't need it.
So...he had an anaphalactic reaction again...
in the middle of the night...
not a good time to have an issue, apparently.
They couldn't get the fellow to answer his pages to get orders on what they should do. So after the second time they paged, I got angry and insisted that they shut down the therapy and administer the epi-pen. I told them if they didn't, I would do it myself.
They did it.
The next morning, our oncologist came in and said that was the end of Braden's immunotherapy.
I let him have it...
I explained that it wasn't our fault...it was because HE hadn't ordered the right meds and they had been negligent. I walked him through every step and told him ever "oops" that resulted in this reaction putting my son's life in danger.
I also told him that I had to order them to shut the meds down and administer the epi pen because they couldn't get ahold of the fellow in the middle of the night.
And he said he would check...and left to do just that.
In the meantime, the doc on the floor came in and told me that "Braden' hadn't received enough of the medication during the first round and this one day of his second round for it to do any good so we should just stop therapy all together".
I told him I wanted to see the data that showed that one must receive "x" amount of the immunotherapy before it wasn't useful...
...knowing that data didn't exist.
So I won that battle easily! :)
Then our oncologist came back and apologized and told me I was right and that the meds hadn't been ordered or administered...but that we should stop his therapy. It was just too hard for Braden.
Ummm...wouldn't be too hard if you did your job and gave him his meds!!!
Asshat!!
I pulled out my copy the protocol (pretty sure at that point he was wishing he had NEVER given that to me)
...and I read all of the conditions which could result in him not having his therapy...the reasons to shut it down...the only one he had met was the anaphalyxis deal (and I agree it's a big one) BUT if they had given him his meds, we wouldn't have had that problem.
And I had the world's best nurse there to back me up... :)
To sum up, I argues that they had not given him the meds to prevent the reaction (even when questioned), when the reaction happened I had to tell them to shut it down and give the epi-pen (last time I heard, parents shouldn't be the ones directing the medical care because the fellow is "too busy"), and lastly I was the one reading the protocol to the doctor because he hadn't read it (he admitted it...he hadn't read it, good thing I had read it...every page) to prove he was wrong...
Our oncologist and I debated and argued and fussed and finally out of frustration, he got up to walk out...
That's when I shouted, "I AM TIRED OF BABYSITTING YOU!!!!"
He stopped in mid-step...
and again I said, "I AM NOT KIDDING!! DO YOUR JOB! JUST DO YOUR DAMN JOB!!! I'M TIRED OF BABYSITTING YOU!!!!"
He continued to walk...
probably a good choice.
And...I refused to allow him to see my child ever again.
And the hospital refused to give Braden a new oncologist...stupid rule
...so we got that changed.
It took a year, but we got it changed. :)
We finally got a new oncologist in KC and I LOVE her!! SHE ROCKS!!!!
And...that was only round 2 of therapy!! :) LOL!!
3 more to go...all three were filled with multiple ridiculous "you have got to be kidding me" moments including finding out that the hospital had given him a medication that was forbidden to give prior to immunotherapy because it may prevent immunotherapy from doing any good, not just ONCE, but TWICE!!
Our nurses caught that one..
And it involved us calling the NIH to see if it was even SAFE to proceed.
That resulted in me fussing enough that the hospital did a review of systemic procedures and made changes so the slip up in communication wouldn't happen again.
And trust me, I tried to move hospitals for therapy, after refusing to see our doc again, but because CMH had been the hospital to apply for the compassional care access, they had to do the therapy as that license number was non-transferrable.
We got through all five rounds...we made it!! Only because of our nurses who watched out for Braden! I trust them completely!!!
The therapy was horrible and nasty and awful for Braden...and it was horrible and awful and nasty systemically with the hospital.
Since then, I have to tell you that the hospital took my concerns VERY seriously and they were extremely transparent and they have listened, found the weaknesses and fixed them.
I appreciate that so much!! And I am building trust with them again.
And thanks to our new oncologist, Dr. Neville, I trust them even more! She really IS great!
I have ALWAYS had faith in our nurses!! They were the reason he made it through all five rounds...I LOVE THAT TEAM OF NURSES!! They are the BEST in the world!! Seriously!!
We ended with round #5 of immunotherapy in room #8...the same room he was diagnosed in.
Full circle!
TAKE THAT caNCER!!
And after we got through immunotherapy, we still weren't done.
Next stop...ABT-751! :)
And the biggest fight yet... (not with a doc...but with a pharmaceutical company) but I'll save that one for tomorrow! ;)
----And there is SO MUCH I have left out that happened before the 8 months of chemo (we will cover that another day) :)
Dr. Mosse said what I had always believed.
Just because the scans showed no evidence of disease, did not mean that he had no cancer cells in his body.
It just meant that he had few enough cells that they couldn't be seen on his scans.
A second remission with neuroblastoma is extremely rare (they don't even keep numbers on that because there are so few), and the vast majority of those kids relapse a third time within 6-12 months.
Makes the point...most often it's not really gone, just hiding from the scan technology.
But...our kids don't have treatment options because most trials are written such that you must show evidence of disease to get treatment.
Again, it makes sense to treat kids who have disease...but we believed that he had disease remaining, but we couldn't see it.
Another angel whisper.
So Dr. Mosse mentioned a few therapies out there...there was ONE he might be able to qualify for, a new type of immunotherapy (ie antibody therapy). Kids could be in remission and receive it...
The next day she called me and said he couldn't qualify for it because there was one teeny piece of scar tissue showing (they were sure it was not cancer) and that ruled him out.
Damn.
So I thought and thought and thought...and again, after a dream, I woke up and sent another email to Dr. Mosse.
Let me back up to August 11, 2009,
when we found Braden's relapse, we were trying to qualify for immunotherapy.
Right after he was declared to be in his FIRST remission...I still felt like there were cells there and was fighting for more therapy.
At that same time, we got a letter from the NIH stating that the immunotherapy he had not received during his initial protocol, (due to a random draw) had shown to improve odds of survival for children like Braden by 20%...umm...that's a lot when you only have 30% to start.
SUPER! And damn.
So we decided to take them up on their offer to allow Braden to receive it. We would do immunotherapy and that would help get those cells I still believed were there.
But we had to scan to make sure he remained in remission before he could begin receiving it.
Immunotherapy is also supposed to be done within 110 days of bone marrow transplant.
It was considerably later than that for Braden.
Why within 110 days?? Well, here's how it works:
CH 14.18 is the name of the antibody used in immunotherapy. It is paired with cytokines that help the antibody seek out and bind to neuroblastoma cells. Once it attaches, it kills just those nb cells.
It's like a targeted missile. It seeks out ONLY its target and doesn't destroy all cells like chemotherapy.
AWESOME!!!
However, it additionally attaches to every nerve cell and it is EXTRAORDINARILY painful.
Transplant knocks out your entire immune system. You return to having less than the immune system of a fetus. You are at high risk from every single agent that can cause illness or infection.
As a result, you spend months in isolation from the world. 100 days. 100 days of no contact with the real world.
It's great (more sarcasm)...someday we will talk about transplant and those 100 days and my extreme germophobia!! LOL!
SO...if you do immunotherapy within 110 days of transplant, your system hasn't really started to fully reboot and begin to create immunities again yet. That is good for this therapy because your body doesn't recognize the CH 14.18 and the cytokines and try to fight them off as invaders as readily as when your immune system is more fully developed after those 110 days.
We decided to go for it and scanned to qualify and found his relapse which meant he couldn't proceed with the immunotherapy due to his progression of disease.
Horrible, devastating news...
So fast foward back to January 28, 2011
The day after we found out he was in a second remission and the day we found out Braden couldn't qualify for that "new immunotherapy" because of that scar tissue and I was thinking and thinking and had that dream and fired off the email to ask Dr. Mosse...
and asked her if NOW we could get Ch 14.18 immunotherapy for Braden since he had already been slated to receive it back in 2009.
It had never been done before.
No child have ever received CH 14.18 in the case of a relapse and second remission.
It works best in cases of "minimal residual disease" (MRD) and showing no evidence of disease was ideal.
Perfect....we elected to do immunotherapy at Children's Mercy in KC rather than in Philly...it would be the same therapy in either location and it would help to not have to pay for all of those flights as there were five rounds...a week long each.
HUGE mistake.
Well...we got it and began immunotherapy here.
Now let me just say right now..our nurses ROCKED it out!! They did.
Our oncologist, on the other hand, produced an epic fail!!
The very first day of immunotherapy, we did Braden's pre-meds, began his morphine to help with the pain and started the therapy.
Oh friends...I have held my son through more than I could ever explain...there have been times that I have held him not certain he would survive until the next day...
Nothing...NOTHING compared to this therapy.
It was beyond horrible...our son screamed in my arms and was shaking in unspeakable, shocking pain.
Our nurse kicked into action and immediately adjusted pain meds, I held him and rocked him and talked to him and told him how we were trying to help...we would help. He looked at me while his eyes showed complete terror, and he begged me to make it better.
I tried to be calming, but tears were in my eyes and my heart was falling into pieces. It was simply horrible.
And then...he couldn't breathe...anaphalyxis.
We shut it down, administered the epi-pen, we needed to follow it with a second, and were about to head to the PICU when he started recovering.
That was an awesome hour.
(more thick sarcasm)
It was the most horrific thing I have ever witnessed with Braden.
I had to fight like hell to get the docs to analyze why it happened and what we could do to try to fix it for the next day. The docs wanted to just scrap immunotherapy for Braden without finding out what happened and why. Our nurses helped me fight.
We had a plan, new pain meds...higher dose of pain meds...by a bunch...multiple pre-meds for the allergic reaction...slower administration rate....we were ready.
Our KC oncologist walked into the room the next morning and said,
"Well...I heard what happened yesterday and you are getting exactly what you wanted!"
(he didn't agree that we should be treating since he was showing no evidence of disease)
And I said, "Stop right there....don't you DARE tell me that I wanted to hold my son while he writhed in pain and couldn't breathe...I'm trying to save my son so back OFF of that line of thinking or leave!"
He backed off...
and likely saved his family jewels. :)
Well...we were able to make it through the rest of the round running it as slowly as possible (not getting the entire dose in but getting most of it in).
Then two weeks later, we came back for more...
Second round started....
One of the nurses even questioned it but was told he didn't need it.
So...he had an anaphalactic reaction again...
in the middle of the night...
not a good time to have an issue, apparently.
They couldn't get the fellow to answer his pages to get orders on what they should do. So after the second time they paged, I got angry and insisted that they shut down the therapy and administer the epi-pen. I told them if they didn't, I would do it myself.
They did it.
The next morning, our oncologist came in and said that was the end of Braden's immunotherapy.
I let him have it...
I explained that it wasn't our fault...it was because HE hadn't ordered the right meds and they had been negligent. I walked him through every step and told him ever "oops" that resulted in this reaction putting my son's life in danger.
I also told him that I had to order them to shut the meds down and administer the epi pen because they couldn't get ahold of the fellow in the middle of the night.
And he said he would check...and left to do just that.
In the meantime, the doc on the floor came in and told me that "Braden' hadn't received enough of the medication during the first round and this one day of his second round for it to do any good so we should just stop therapy all together".
I told him I wanted to see the data that showed that one must receive "x" amount of the immunotherapy before it wasn't useful...
...knowing that data didn't exist.
So I won that battle easily! :)
Then our oncologist came back and apologized and told me I was right and that the meds hadn't been ordered or administered...but that we should stop his therapy. It was just too hard for Braden.
Ummm...wouldn't be too hard if you did your job and gave him his meds!!!
Asshat!!
I pulled out my copy the protocol (pretty sure at that point he was wishing he had NEVER given that to me)
...and I read all of the conditions which could result in him not having his therapy...the reasons to shut it down...the only one he had met was the anaphalyxis deal (and I agree it's a big one) BUT if they had given him his meds, we wouldn't have had that problem.
And I had the world's best nurse there to back me up... :)
Our oncologist and I debated and argued and fussed and finally out of frustration, he got up to walk out...
That's when I shouted, "I AM TIRED OF BABYSITTING YOU!!!!"
He stopped in mid-step...
and again I said, "I AM NOT KIDDING!! DO YOUR JOB! JUST DO YOUR DAMN JOB!!! I'M TIRED OF BABYSITTING YOU!!!!"
He continued to walk...
probably a good choice.
And...I refused to allow him to see my child ever again.
And the hospital refused to give Braden a new oncologist...stupid rule
...so we got that changed.
It took a year, but we got it changed. :)
We finally got a new oncologist in KC and I LOVE her!! SHE ROCKS!!!!
And...that was only round 2 of therapy!! :) LOL!!
3 more to go...all three were filled with multiple ridiculous "you have got to be kidding me" moments including finding out that the hospital had given him a medication that was forbidden to give prior to immunotherapy because it may prevent immunotherapy from doing any good, not just ONCE, but TWICE!!
Our nurses caught that one..
And it involved us calling the NIH to see if it was even SAFE to proceed.
That resulted in me fussing enough that the hospital did a review of systemic procedures and made changes so the slip up in communication wouldn't happen again.
And trust me, I tried to move hospitals for therapy, after refusing to see our doc again, but because CMH had been the hospital to apply for the compassional care access, they had to do the therapy as that license number was non-transferrable.
We got through all five rounds...we made it!! Only because of our nurses who watched out for Braden! I trust them completely!!!
The therapy was horrible and nasty and awful for Braden...and it was horrible and awful and nasty systemically with the hospital.
Since then, I have to tell you that the hospital took my concerns VERY seriously and they were extremely transparent and they have listened, found the weaknesses and fixed them.
I appreciate that so much!! And I am building trust with them again.
And thanks to our new oncologist, Dr. Neville, I trust them even more! She really IS great!
I have ALWAYS had faith in our nurses!! They were the reason he made it through all five rounds...I LOVE THAT TEAM OF NURSES!! They are the BEST in the world!! Seriously!!
We ended with round #5 of immunotherapy in room #8...the same room he was diagnosed in.
Full circle!
TAKE THAT caNCER!!
And after we got through immunotherapy, we still weren't done.
Next stop...ABT-751! :)
And the biggest fight yet... (not with a doc...but with a pharmaceutical company) but I'll save that one for tomorrow! ;)
Monday, January 21, 2013
The Fight For Hope...
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”
---Martin Luther King, Jr.
That is what we are doing.
After Braden became immune to multiple therapies, the doctors told us that all we could do is hope for some additional time with him. That he would not achieve a second remission.
I was broken...completely.
No hope.
Just complete despair.
Then one night, I had a dream....I am certain it was my mom talking to me from Heaven...
There is no other explanation for why this dream would have happened...I believe in "angel whispers".
I woke up in a start, sat up and thought, "Irinotecan and Temodar!!"
The day before this dream, I had an email convo with Philly in which we agreed that Braden should do ABT-751 to try to hold the remaining disease stable.
I woke up after that dream and fired an email off to Dr. Mosse and asked if it would be reasonable and if we could do Irinotecan and Temodar (two chemos).
The gamble was huge. Braden's disease had proven to be refractory to chemo and I was asking for chemo.
We had discussed these two drugs in August of 2009 when he first relapsed. After his disease proved refractory to chemo, we had moved past that thought.
Braden's hair had grown back, and he had the most beautiful big, loopy curls.
Dr. Mosse said it had worked for some kids, and if we wanted to try it, we could.
Another one of those impossible decisions.
1. Do nothing and spend your time without him having the effects of chemo. But death was a matter of time.
2. Do ABT-751 and hope to keep him stable for a longer period of time (the longest we were told a child had made it in a situation similar to Braden's was 2 years...which seemed like an eternity to us that that moment).
3. Try the chemo. And maybe...maybe...it would kill those cells.
BUT...if #3 didn't work, and his disease progressed, choice #2 was out of the question and we were back to #1.
I just knew we needed to do #3...I "KNEW"...but...
It is SOO hard to make that choice. We could give away 2 years of time if I was wrong.
One of the biggest things to me that was that I knew he would lose his hair and I didn't want him to die bald.
It was a visible sign that cAncer had been the reason and that really bothered me.
Stupid, I know...but it did.
A lot of life can happen in two years...two more birthdays, a chance to lose his first tooth, friends, memories that would last forever...
How do you make a choice like that??
You just jump....
You can't dip your toe in the water and see how it's going to feel...
There is no crystal ball...
You just jump.
I listened to the angel whispers and,
I looked at our son and saw his fight. Braden wasn't done...he was still fighting with everything he had.
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Oh my sweet boy...
How your fight, strength, faith, and courage inspire me....
and frighten me.
It would be one hell of a bad deal if I was wrong.
We decided to go for it.
The first two months were nasty but compared to the chemo he had done before, not that bad.

It was outpatient...we had never had outpatient chemo...sleeping at home at night! YES!
We got to play at home, go to the park, and have a life...
And I watched those beautiful curls fall out. I kept several curls when we finally cut it and shave his head again.
Damn cAncer.
Then we scanned...I held my breath...
And the one remaining piece of tumor near his liver was shrinking...
We kept going....
---Martin Luther King, Jr.
That is what we are doing.
After Braden became immune to multiple therapies, the doctors told us that all we could do is hope for some additional time with him. That he would not achieve a second remission.
I was broken...completely.
No hope.
Just complete despair.
Then one night, I had a dream....I am certain it was my mom talking to me from Heaven...
There is no other explanation for why this dream would have happened...I believe in "angel whispers".
I woke up in a start, sat up and thought, "Irinotecan and Temodar!!"
The day before this dream, I had an email convo with Philly in which we agreed that Braden should do ABT-751 to try to hold the remaining disease stable.
I woke up after that dream and fired an email off to Dr. Mosse and asked if it would be reasonable and if we could do Irinotecan and Temodar (two chemos).
The gamble was huge. Braden's disease had proven to be refractory to chemo and I was asking for chemo.
We had discussed these two drugs in August of 2009 when he first relapsed. After his disease proved refractory to chemo, we had moved past that thought.
Dr. Mosse said it had worked for some kids, and if we wanted to try it, we could.
Another one of those impossible decisions.
1. Do nothing and spend your time without him having the effects of chemo. But death was a matter of time.
2. Do ABT-751 and hope to keep him stable for a longer period of time (the longest we were told a child had made it in a situation similar to Braden's was 2 years...which seemed like an eternity to us that that moment).
3. Try the chemo. And maybe...maybe...it would kill those cells.
BUT...if #3 didn't work, and his disease progressed, choice #2 was out of the question and we were back to #1.
I just knew we needed to do #3...I "KNEW"...but...
It is SOO hard to make that choice. We could give away 2 years of time if I was wrong.
One of the biggest things to me that was that I knew he would lose his hair and I didn't want him to die bald.
It was a visible sign that cAncer had been the reason and that really bothered me.
Stupid, I know...but it did.
A lot of life can happen in two years...two more birthdays, a chance to lose his first tooth, friends, memories that would last forever...
How do you make a choice like that??
You just jump....
You can't dip your toe in the water and see how it's going to feel...
There is no crystal ball...
You just jump.
I listened to the angel whispers and,
I looked at our son and saw his fight. Braden wasn't done...he was still fighting with everything he had.
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Oh my sweet boy...
How your fight, strength, faith, and courage inspire me....
and frighten me.
It would be one hell of a bad deal if I was wrong.
We decided to go for it.
The first two months were nasty but compared to the chemo he had done before, not that bad.
It was outpatient...we had never had outpatient chemo...sleeping at home at night! YES!
We got to play at home, go to the park, and have a life...
And I watched those beautiful curls fall out. I kept several curls when we finally cut it and shave his head again.
Damn cAncer.
Then we scanned...I held my breath...
And the one remaining piece of tumor near his liver was shrinking...
We kept going....
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”
Martin Luther King, Jr
8 months of chemo.
It got really bad.
Braden's gut is colonized with c-diff and the Irinotecan was wreaking havoc on his gut.
One clinic day, our oncologist tried to convince me to stop...
I said no.
So he sent in another doctor who tried to convince me to try to stop...
I said no.
He came back in the room and I told him "nice try"...
and perhaps I mentioned he could go to hell...
I'm pretty sure I did, but I did it with a smile so that makes it better right? LOL!
Actually, both our doc and I got a good giggle out of it!!
It was this simple...if we stop, he dies.
During our multiple rounds of chemo, sometimes his scans would be improved, sometimes stable every three to four rounds when we scanned.
But, again, I knew if we stopped, it would take over and he would die.
Then, January 27, 2011...Dr. Mosse walked in after scans...I was holding my breath because I had watched his scan images during the scan and it looked different.
I was preparing myself for the bad news.
And....she said,
I am very happy to be able to tell you that we see no evidence of cancer on Braden's scans!
I said in a small, shocked whisper, "I'm going to need you to say that again!"
Then tears...every single one of us in that room, except Braden...
who just wanted to go play.
It wasn't the end...just because scans show no evidence of disease, does not mean cancer is not there.
It just means the scan cannot pick it up because the current technology isn't good enough to get to a small enough level.
We would continue to fight....
and we continue today.
But that day was a huge victory.
“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.”
Martin Luther King Jr.
HOPE....TAKE THAT cANCER!
And Happy Birthday Dr. King. Thank you for your courage, fight, wisdom, love and vision.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Saturday Zachism Day part 2...
Each Saturday, I will share a "Zachism" with you.
Zach is our nine year old and he says the funniest stuff...
and he's not trying...it's just funny! :)
Here's today's:
The other day, Zach did something that elicited me saying,
"Zach..seriously...how many times have we talked about that?"
(And I honestly don't even remember what he did that I was frustrated with)
His reply was a casual,
"Welllllllll...
I would guess about 999,999 times.
Hey Mom...we're pushing a billion!!".
...........................
That is why I don't remember what I was upset about.
I hate when he cracks me up when I'm trying to make a point!
:)
Have a wonderful weekend!
Zach is our nine year old and he says the funniest stuff...
and he's not trying...it's just funny! :)
Here's today's:
The other day, Zach did something that elicited me saying,
"Zach..seriously...how many times have we talked about that?"
(And I honestly don't even remember what he did that I was frustrated with)
His reply was a casual,
"Welllllllll...
I would guess about 999,999 times.
Hey Mom...we're pushing a billion!!".
...........................
That is why I don't remember what I was upset about.
I hate when he cracks me up when I'm trying to make a point!
:)
Have a wonderful weekend!
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