Big Girl Panties...

Sometimes, I think I'm very right,

when...

I'm actually equally wrong,

but for a different reason.

Sigh......

Zach and I had a heart to heart talk the other night while I was kissing him goodnight.

We were talking about how God forgives us, and we talked about the words in the Lord's Prayer,

"forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us".

To me, that means that God will forgive me as along as I am forgiving of others.

Makes sense...

and I try very hard to do that...

I preach it all the time...

But at that moment, I realized that I had an epic fail on my hands.

I've been so busy being angry at someone who did something I view as wrong that I haven't seen how wrong I am for my nasty feelings and judgement of that person instead of trying to understand,

and, more importantly, forgive!

I have a few "hot buttons"...

 I'm Irish so my hot buttons are really HOT BUTTONS!!!  LOL!!

Once you push one, back away because she's going to blow!!

And I am not tactful, not gracious,

and NOT ambiguous.

My hot buttons are fairly limited.  It's pretty simply (to me):

1. Don't hurt my kids,

EVER

2.  Don't lie

3.  And don't be mean.

Pretty simple, yet extraordinarily complicated at times.

The person I haven't been able to forgive is actually a wrestling dude. 

Zach wrestles and most of the people we meet are awesome!

But there's this one guy...

and there was this one evening.

I took Zach to practice because Brian was out of town.  I had instructions from Brian to hand Zach's registration paperwork to this particular person for the upcoming tournament.

I walked up, told him who I was, and what I needed to do.

Braden was with me, he was walking right in front of me with my hands on his shoulders steering him.

He looked at Braden and said, "and why are you not wrestling?"

He was being cute, recruiting....

It was not meant to be mean.

I smiled and said, "He has cancer and has a port and he cannot wrestle with a port."

I didn't even bother to explain that he has autism as well and that, additionally, he wouldn't be able to wrestle these boys for that reason.  At the time, we didn't have an official diagnosis although we had "known" since he was 8 months old and had been dealing with it therapeutically as if it were autism.

The wrestling dude said, "Welllllllll...if he was a WRESTLER he wouldn't have that!"

YOU SAID WHAT....????????

Momma Bear was NOT amused!!!

Cue the Clint Eastwood stare...

And the whistle from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" :)

Seemed to me, he just said that if Braden was a wrestler, he wouldn't have cancer.

??????????????????????????????????????

Maybe he thought he was being funny.

Bad idea Pilgrim!

Braden was right there....

Thankfully, he didn't understand because of his autism, but the wrestling dude didn't know that he didn't understand it!

Wouldn't he have realized how disrespectful and mean his comment was to a CHILD who had been fighting cancer...

....with more strength and courage and perseverance than all of the wrestlers in the world combined to the power of infinity...

Plus one!!

HURTFUL AND MEAN AND AWFUL!!!!

Who in the world would tell a child he wouldn't have cancer if he was a wrestler?? 

Assuming he did not hear the cancer part correctly, I looked at him in the eyes and spoke slllloooowwwwllllllyyyyy,

clearly...

and LOUDLY (all activity in the hallway stopped and all of the moms and younger siblings waiting for the boys in the wrestling room turned to watch due to the volume of my voice),

and I said,

"I'm pretty sure he WOULD have cANCER even if he WAS a WRESTLER!" 

I did NOT end it with "YOU DUMBASS",

but I was thinking it...

And then I turned around to exit before I used very bad words.

I took one step and heard a shouting voice say, "YOU NEVER KNOW!!!"

.... I paused...

And it took every ounce of self control I could muster to just keep walking and not turn around,

stick my finger in his chest,

and bring him to his knees with Braden's story of strength and courage.

So as I sat down in the hallway and waited for Zach to finish practice while playing with Braden,

and I stewed.

The dude walked past me several times and I honestly had to stop myself from sticking my leg out and tripping him.

Not one of my finer "thought moments", but it's true.

I was SO mad.

Everyone that knows the wrestling dude tells me he HAD to be joking and kidding around because he's a great guy.

Last time I checked, childhood cancer was NOT a joke,

 and I was NOT amused.

After that night, I refused to take Zach to practice ever again when Brian is out of town.

A friend takes him or he doesn't go.

AND...as I was talking to Zach the other night, it hit me....

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us"...

Several months have passed and I have been sitting on my throne of  "righteous indignation"...

filled with anger and venom.

And I KNOW THAT I KNOW BETTER!!!

I don't know that the dude knows any better.

I have to put my big girl panties on,

and I have to face this man and I have to forgive.

I have not been doing that and that reflects on ME and MY character.

So I'm going to suck it up, put on those big girl panties...

And take Zach back to practice when needed,

and if given the opportunity in the right setting, I will explain it to this dude...

I SOO hope that opportunity presents itself because I will share with him that I'm sure he was joking...but....it wasn't funny and this is why...

and I will do it without four letter words...

...okay...

I will TRY to do it without four letter words...

hopefully! :)

Once, I was at a conference in D.C. and the speaker said,

"We show respect to others because of who WE are, not because of who THEY are".

DANGIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my need to be "right", I forgot that I also need to be forgiving.

Anger blinded me.

Maybe there's a lesson in that for all of us!?

Maybe if we all stopped and thought about how WE are handling things instead of how THEY are handling things, we would have less drama and hurt!?

If you are going to preach it, live it.

I really dislike big girl panties!!

But I'm going to try them out.

HOPE! :)

Sundogs...

I had never seen a sundog before...

until one day right after Miranda died.

I was at the park, sitting at a fishing pier watching the late afternoon sun,

thinking about Miranda and sobbing because she was gone.

My arms were empty and so was my heart.

There is no pain greater than losing a child...no task harder than burying your child...

nothing more awful than having your child hemorrhage, convulse, and die in your arms,

and then living without your child every single day of your life.

Nothing!!

I simply couldn't get a grip on my grief.

And I was at the park, looking at the sky, crying and begging God to show me a sign that she was in Heaven safe and that she was safe and happy.

I had done that before.

After my mom died from brain cancer in 1984, my senior year of high school.

I was driving my car along the highway and it hit me like a ton of bricks...

I was sobbing and begging God to show me a sign that she was in Heaven and that she was happy.

And...

A rainbow appeared front and center in my windshield.

Now I was laughing and crying.

My mom was in Heaven and she was happy!

So that day after Miranda died, I sat again and...

I looked up and saw my very first sundog.

It looked like a tiny rainbow to me, I had no idea what it was...I just thought it was a baby rainbow and to me,

that meant that my mom had her and was taking care of her in Heaven.

I had asked her to do that, and

I told Miranda to look for my mom as she was dying.

Let me back up a bit...

When I was 17 weeks pregnant, my water broke.

I was 35 years old and they recommended I have an amniocentesis so we would be prepared should there be any genetic disorders.

Sounded good to me...I have a strong need to be prepared and ready to go from day #1!

Well three days after the procedure, my water broke which is very rare,

and it did not reseal,

and that is even more rare.

Somehow I can get in those types of "very rare" lines quite easily but when it comes to the winning the lottery rare line...not so much! :)

The doctors told us there was less than a 10% chance that she would survive and that we should strongly consider terminating the pregnancy.

I told them that it was not my choice to make, God would decide.

I spent a month on strict bedrest at home,

My friends and Brian took GREAT care of me!! 

I have been SO very blessed with so many angels on Earth!!

My friends are my family! I'm the luckiest person in the world to know such amazing people!!

When my pregnancy was considered viable, I got to be admitted to the hospital.

and I spent 1.5 months there and again my friends came to visit frequently to lift my spirits and bring me hope! 

I LOVE these people!!

I knew the reality we were facing,

But I had HOPE that she could be that one that survived.

On July 31, 2001, one of the veteran nurses came in and told me that her vitals were declining and she thought she would have to be delivered by c-section soon.

She asked me if anyone had told me what would happen during a c-section and I said no.

Then she told me all about it, patted my leg in a motherly way, and walked out.

I sat there quietly for a very long time, letting it sink in.

And I prayed the same prayer I had said since my water broke on May 25, 2001, PLEASE God, let her stay...I don't want her to die!

I do not cry in public.  At least I try not to.  So eventually I went into the bathroom and closed the door and ran the shower so no one could hear me,

and cried until I didn't think I could cry anymore.

And I finally prayed the prayer my heart knew I had to pray...

Please God...keep her safe...please don't let her be in pain even if you have to take her to Heaven to do it.

That was the hardest prayer I have ever had to say but I meant it from the depths of my soul.

I wanted her to be happy and safe and not have to be in pain.

Heaven is the ultimate reward, not a punishment for the person earning their wings.

It SUCKS for the people left behind!

And in just a couple of hours, the nurses came back in and told me that I needed to call Brian and they were going to deliver her.

It was as though God patiently waited for me to "get it", to understand.

The neonatologist had told me that my first sign about how she was doing and if they thought they could do anything to help her fight, would be whether or not they rolled her out of the room to try to intervene.

If that happened, they thought she had a chance, if not...

they would hand her to me and let me hold her.

She was born..no cry, her lungs hadn't developed enough for her to be able to breathe on her own due to the lack of amniotic fluid in the womb while she grew.

They took her over to check her out and Brian went with them.  I couldn't see anything.

And no one said anything.  It was silent except for the distance mumblings of the doctors working on Miranda.

I laid there, shivering, with silent tears running down my face,

Then, they rolled her past me....

I smiled...that was hopeful...they were going to be able to try to save her...

and then I caught the eye of the neonatologist...

and I knew.

I had to go to recovery for an hour and during that time, Brian got to go see her and the one little piece of video we have of her is of her opening her eyes to look at him.

I never saw her eyes in person but they were sparkling blue and she had beautiful blonde hair...and it was even curly at her sweet little neck.

She weighed 1 pound 9 ounces and she was the most gorgeous baby in the world!

When they finally rolled me in to see her, I had to lie flat and I couldn't see much other than the oscillating ventillator, the thousands of tubes and lines, and warmer.

I asked them if I could hold her and they moved my bed right beside her and put her on me so that her head was on my shoulder and I was cuddling her.

She was so small!!

They asked us what name we wanted to give her and we picked Miranda Grace.  Miranda was a name we liked and Grace was my mom's middle name.

As Miranda spent her 15 hours with us, we told her about her kitty Cosmo and all the people that loved her here on Earth. 

I told her my mom was in Heaven and that she should look for her because she would take care of her. And her Uncle Phil (Brian's brother) would be there to help too!

Miranda fought so very hard...she tried to stay.

I remember when I told her it was okay for her to go, that she didn't have to fight to stay anymore.

I had rubbed my belly for 2.5 months while on bedrest. It had been just me and Miranda.  I felt her move and kick.  I talked to her all the time and for that entire period, I had repeatedly told her that when she was born she would have to fight and that I didn't want to lose her.

And that I loved her.

As I told her she could go, and kissed her beautiful little head, she slipped away.  I knew when her heart stopped, not because of a monitor (they had unhooked it) but because I could feel it in my mommy heart.

And then my heart shattered into a million pieces.

I have never cried so hard nor been so sad.

The pain was indescribable and I only knew her in person for 15 hours.

No parent should ever have to bury a child.

All of these experiences are the reason we have fought so hard to give Braden HOPE for more time and why we started the foundation so no other children have to go to Heaven and no other parents have to bury their children.

Too many of our friends have had children that earned their angel wings and it's not okay. 

We never say our heroes lost their battle to cancer...they EARNED their angel wings..

cAncer didn't win...God did.

So that day when I saw that first sundog, I started laughing and crying.

I could see my mom smiling...I could feel her love and I could feel Miranda's happiness!

Sundogs have always been my sign from Miranda Grace that she is smiling at us and sending us HOPE!  And rainbows have always been my sign from my mom.

I see them at the most important times in my life, the times when I really need a hug from my mom and Miranda.

Braden has scans in Philadelphia next week.

I have major scanxiety!!

MAJOR!

Every parent of a child with cancer does,

Every time scans come around!

Twice now, we have been surprised with cAncer's appearance and reappearance on a scan when we weren't expecting it.

So yesterday, as I was driving home from picking the boys up from school, I looked up and saw a sundog.  I noticed the tiniest one in the sky to the left (you will see the bright spot between two trees, you can't really see the rainbow in this picture but there was a lot of pink...there always is).

I smiled and said, "love you baby girl".

The boys are used to it by now and Zach usually says hello to his sister when we see one!

I drove a little further and looked again and noticed it wasn't just a small sundog...it was a full circle around the sun.

Love you mom...thank you for holding my sweet baby until I get there!

I never doubt that our angels are watching over us and protecting us every single day. 

And I am grateful when they send me a hug from Heaven!!

TAKE THAT cANCER!!

Girl Meets Boy...

This crazy kitty has reduced my 200 pound, "manly man" husband into

a baby-talking marshmallow!

It's adorable!!  He will frown at me for saying that, but it is.

This morning, Braden was eating his chicken (yes, chicken nuggets for breakfast...it's a protein and calories...you do what you can do when your child has autism AND is taking chemo).

(yes, he's officially showing no evidence of disease on his scans, and yes he is still doing chemo...I'll explain that one another day.)

He was watching a movie on a portable DVD player and the kitty smelled the chicken.

Indy thought it smelled pretty good so he went over to stick his nose in it and get a whiff, hoping to snag a piece I'm sure!

Braden started giggling and said, "No kitty, dat's MY chicken!"

to which Brian whined, "No kitty, that's MYYYY pot piiiiie!"

If you get that, I know what "cartoon" you've been watching!! ;)

I cracked up.

But, I laughed harder yesterday morning when I wrote "vet" on a "to-do note" so I would remember to schedule Indy's first vet appointment (with our former next door neighbor Dr. Pelfrey at Stanley Vet Clinic...he's AWESOME and no, that wasn't a paid advertisement, just the truth!!).

I looked at the note a little later in the morning (almost shocked to see it lying on the counter...I had forgotten all about it five minutes after I wrote it),

btw, this is why I write myself notes. 

I'm the same person who used to have to take a sticky note with my destination written on it with me in the hall at school when I was a Principal because I would get stopped so many times, I would forget where I was going and have to come back to the office with my head hanging and ask the secretaries where I was headed!

I digress...

that'll happen a lot in this blog! :)

SO I looked at the note, and noticed Brian had added letters to it.

Now it said, "Corvette".

I busted out laughing.

This is why I love him so much...he's funny and witty and clever!!

I'm one lucky girl...

Most days!

So how in the world did we meet??

It's simple...all I had to do is buy a house!

I had won a teaching award that came with a $25,000 check...AWESOME!

And I had just moved to Kansas City from a small town in Central Kansas called Hays...LOVE that town!!

I had just been hired to be the Assistant Principal at a middle school (I was only there for a year and then accepted a job as Principal at an elementary school after that).  I loved the middle school kids---they are hilarious!! And I loved the elementary school kids--they are sweet!!!

I had a down payment and I wanted to buy a house that would be my very own!!  I had been divorced for a little over a year and was ready to independently nest! 

Oh...and I had SWORN OFF MEN!!!

I'd dated...the pool was shallow...and frankly, I was over the experience!!

(insert eye roll and sigh...two sighs...and another eye roll)

A very dear friend and I drove all over Kansas City with a realtor looking at houses and I could never find "the one". 

We looked at MANY houses.

After we looked at another one, we pulled to the end of the cul-de-sac to turn around and saw an unfinished house with a for sale sign that looked promising from the outside. 

Unplanned, unforseen....spur of the moment decision....we stopped and went inside.

and I LOVED the floorplan but it was just at a drywall stage.

We called the builder, Larry Lochner, and he told us there was a finished version across the street so we could see what it looked like when it had paint and finished floors.

So, we met the homeowner the next day and walked through his house.  I LOVED the house even more....

And...I noticed the owner...cute guy, and I was guessing he was single by the stereo on boxes that made up his stereo cabinet and vacuum cleaner in the middle of the living room.

And when we walked out of the house, I told my realtor, "Cute neighbor guy...buy that house!!"

And I did.

The cute neighbor guy was Brian and the builder was one of his best friends, Larry. 

I met the rest of the neighbors immediately and loved them...they were all awesome!!

Brian knocked on my door a day after I moved in to say hello (I had said hello to him outside SEVERAL times) and asked if he could do anything to help.

I had already hauled the boxes to the basement, the pictures were on the wall, everything was set up and looking great...nesting had occured...

but I needed to think of SOMETHING so he would come in and I could talk to him some more....okay, the possibility of flirting had crossed my mind!

SO,  I thought quickly...

It was the end of June in Kansas...

I told him that the upstairs of the house was too warm and I needed to adjust the damper on my AC, but I didn't know where it was...and that was true.  I knew that was what needed to be done, but I didn't have a CLUE how to do it.

He helped me fix it and we got to chat a little...and he got to see my obsessive need for organization and neatness from the very first moments. 

He was shocked and surprised my house was decorated already!

No stereo on boxes for this girl!!!

Well, we saw each other across the cul-de-sac and waved hello several times when FINALLY, five days after I moved in, I went out to run (I was running a LOT at that time in my life) and ALL of the neighbors were sitting at the end of someone's driveway drinking beer.

AWESOME!!! 

I KNEW this was THE neighborhood!!

So I went for my run and when I got home, they were still there so I did the only neighborly, logical thing...

I stopped and drank beer!

It got late...so we moved inside one of the neighbor's houses...

It got later, and the homeowners wanted to go to sleep (unplanned, party lightweights) so the remaining bunch of us did the only logical thing...

Moved to another neighbor's house.

And we danced and laughed and had a couple beers (okay, okay...three beers... give or take a few cases...) until it was...

6:00 AM.

THIS NEIGHBORHOOD ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At that point, we all went home and a little later, Brian called me and asked if I wanted to go to lunch.

Of course I said yes, and this time I KNEW I wanted to flirt. :)

We had lunch at a bar and grill and he explained what he did for a living using the sugars, salt, and pepper.

Seriously! 

I got a good giggle and I've been laughing since then...

Well, most days. ;)

It's our very own version of a fairytale...once upon a time, I bought a house....

and got a baby-talking, marshamallow husband!

Luckiest girl in the world...

In fact, Brian and I wrote our own wedding vows to each other and I turned this story into a "FairyTale" format.  I had my step-mom bring me a book I had scrapbooked, and I threw open the first page and read, "Once Upon A Time..."

Brian in his smart ass way, rolls up his tux sleeve and looks at his watch like "how long is THIS going to take..."

And I said, "Relax, You've got time!!!"

Even the Preacher laughed...

but no one laughed harder than when I finished.

Brian took a hanky out of his tux pocket and wiped his brow, paused and said....

"When we talked about these vows.....I remember asking you REPEATEDLY...how long were yours?"

The church (and the poor Preacher) ERUPTED into fits of laughter.

And so it began...

We just thought "happily ever after" would have less "crapfest" mixed into it....

And this story is just another reason this blog has the title it has...

you can't make this stuff UP!!

Seriously, this is my life!!!

 

Detours...

Websters defines detours as..

Okay...be honest, how many of us started at LEAST one high school or college paper that way??

I did. :)

And my High School English teacher was not amused.

Sorry Mrs. Schmeller!

Upon further review...she was not amused by anything. :)

The dictionary reference is probably a bad idea in 2013 since

they are apparently archaic now.

But, I can totally picture ours at my house when I was growing up.

It sat on the shelf right beside our circa 1965 set of World Book Encyclopedias,

that I'm pretty sure a door to door salesman convinced my mom we HAD to have if her children stood any chance of being educated and well rounded!

And I'm too lazy to do it the 2013 way and  pull up another browser to see what Wikipedia has to say...

So I'll do what the "everybody does", make my own up and post it on the internet,

then it must be factually true! ;)

Actually, let me just explain what happened to start the whole "detour" thing...

When Braden was fighting his first battle with neuroblastoma, all of his chemo was "high dose" and had to be given to him inpatient.

Basically, we lived at the hospital for about a year and a half.  We RARELY came home and when we did, it was only hours or a couple of days before he spiked a fever or the next round, or surgery, or about one out of a million other things that required us to go back and spend more days at the hospital.

We learned quickly that even if you finished chemo at 11:00 at night and the doc said you could go home or spend the night at the hospital and leave in the morning,

you chose HOME!

and slept in a bed...

I always slept in Braden's little itty bitty hospital bed with him because he wouldn't let me get far away. He had to be touching me the entire time.  Every minute of every day. It was actually really sweet!

I had to call the nurses to sit with him when I had to pee because he couldn't stand for me to leave and he would cry and cry while I was in the bathroom. Brian used to have to come up to the hospital to sit with him so I could take a shower every 100th day or so! ;)

Well...one of those nights, we left the hospital late and as Braden and I were pulling out of the hospital, we were met by a detour sign.

I wasn't happy to see it. 

It was late at night, I was tired, stinky, wrinkly, and had a son in the back seat with his feeding tube running with a limited amount of feeds to flow through with a limited battery pack and Braden was equally tired...although less stinky and wrinkly.

A detour would mean the long way around something and that would take more time.

UGHHHHHH!!!!

We followed the detour,

and it took us past an historical part of Kansas City called Crown Center.

It is filled with lights and water features.

As soon as Braden spied it, he squealed, "PRETTY WATER!"

(he has a thing for water features...it's pretty much his favorite thing in the world)

Then he yelled, "WIGHTS"!

(he has a little l/w speech thing) :)

And he was clapping his hands and screaming and laughing REALLY hard!!

Well...no one was around, I didn't see any police cars so I flipped a u-turn in the middle of this usually very busy street.

He continued to laugh and scream and clap,

except now it was even louder and happier!

SO...

I turned another u-turn

by now, I was laughing, crying, clapping and turning around to talk to Braden in the backseat.

We did a "few" u-turns...maybe 6 or 7...

or more...

maybe a LOT more...

He was sooooo happy...not many things made him laugh that hard at that time in his life...

And it was wonderful until...

I saw something move out of the corner of my eye.

I looked in that direction and saw...

a bus stop...

filled with people waiting for the bus.

When I made eye contact with them, they quickly looked away!

Whoops!!

Not as alone as I thought we were! :)

I think they were a little scared of the blonde lady in the white SUV who was spinning circles and laughing, crying and talking to the back seat...

And that is how "detours" began for us.

You never know what wonderful things can happen,

How much joy and happiness you can find,

by taking an unexpected turn (even if you weren't really looking forward to that turn).

We try to do at least ONE simple thing every day that is a detour....something to just make us laugh and giggle and enjoy our time together.

Some days it's a trip to the park,

Others popcorn and a movie at home,

family game night,

reading books together (currently it's Horton Halfpot--awesome book),

eating dessert before dinner,

the best detours are free!!

Last week, I had lunch with my friend, Christine, (that was a detour for both of us...we rarely get to spend time together!).

After lunch, I was taking her home and we realized we we had just pulled up behind another friend.

We hadn't seen her for awhile and we were excited!!

So I honked and we waved. 

Then while at a looooong stoplight, our friend sent a text to Christine that said, "Chinese fire drill?"

Never throw down a challenge to be silly....

I'm all OVER it!!

And this friend would be JUST the person to reciprocate!

SO, at the next stoplight, I threw my car into park and SPRINTED up to her car,

She opened the door and almost got out,

but we were laughing so hard and we didn't have that much time,

so, between laughs, we just gave each other a high five and blew kisses!

Then I sprinted back to my car.

Just in time to throw it in drive and make the green light...

Okay, maybe I was a "little" late for that light, but it was worth it!

We got many strange looks.

That happens to me a lot.

We're early into this blog thing, but that was probably apparent long ago. :)

Life should be filled with impromptu, silly moments,

those are detours!

Even when you are a 47 year old mom!

For me, it's what makes life worth living,

because it is living life!

Tada...detours,

definied ala Deliece.

Somehow, I don't think Webster would have the same definition. :)

Need a New Year's Resolution...

try a detour-a-day.

Free,

you can still eat chocolate,

drink wine,

and you don't have to go to the gym!

Again...Tada!!!

(oh and I have been working to try to figure this whole blog thing out and I added several really awesome links to the right). The top one is a story by JiaoJiao Shen from Kansas City's NBC Action 41 News. She is an AMAZING advocate for our children with cancer and she did a beautiful story that really sums up 5 years in 3 minutes.  You will laugh...guaranteed...my boy has SKILLS! (you'll know what I mean when you watch it)!

Hugs!

This is why the title of my blog is what it is...

On Saturday morning, my husband left to do two things,

1.  Go to the bank

2.  Get his car washed.

He called me a little while later and said,

"So...I went to the Best Buy next door to Petsmart..."

Oh shit....

(I knew where this was going.)

SIGH!!!

The very first Christmas present he ever bought me was a kitty.

We had been dating about 5 months and had NOT discussed me getting a cat.

We HAD (in our dating bliss) discussed pets and who like what kind.

I told him I used to have dogs..chows to be exact.

We showed them, and I loved my big 125 lb, fluffy, slobbery babies!

He said he was NOT a dog person and liked cats.

I said that I liked cats too.

Now before you judge.... consider this...

I was 31 years old and had been divorced and in the dating game for awhile.

Brian had all his teeth,

He had a job,

He owned a home (okay, so it was right across the cul-de-sac from the one I had just purchased (6 days before we went on our first date), which could have made a break up.....awwwwwwkward),

He was independent, nice looking, very intelligent...

And he was funny.

So if you are reading this shaking your head that I told him "I like cats too" in my bobble head blonde "I will agree with everything you say because we just started dating and you have some good qualities" voice...

You are either:

Single (that's NOT an insult),

in denial and lying to yourself that you would NEVER do that,

Never been in the dating game for awhile....

OR are in a relationship with

someone who is has less than all their teeth. :)

LOL!!

(and I actually had owned cats before...they were outdoor farm cats whose mission was to catch mice, but we owned cats nonetheless and I did like them...from afar...very afar).

So when he came to my door with a really cute black and white kitten.....

I was "very" excited (while wondering what the hell I was going to do with it.)

Turned out that "Cosmo" was my baby...he loved his "mom" and slept with his nose in my neck, purring and kneading every single night.

Brian and I got married 3 years later and we had Cosmo until about 7 years ago when he got liver disease and we had to put him to sleep.

It was awful!

We had talked about getting another cat, but "cAncer" got in the way and we just never had a life that would be conducive to having a pet.

We had recently been talking about getting another cat SOMEDAY.

Emphasis on SOMEDAY!!! 

NOT TA DAY!!!

So Brian told me it was adoption day at Petsmart (the exact same location he bought Cosmo at years before)

Then he told me about this really cute little guy.

He was all black except for a small white splotch on his chest...

And he had the most glowing golden eyes ever.

We did Facetime on our phones and the boys saw him and we were done.

Brian brought home the 5 month old kitten, a litterbox, litter, and food/bowls.

Immediately the boys were smitten!!

Zach is his best friend...he loves him and it's pretty cool that the cat seems to love him second best (to dad which we will never tell Zach...)

Zach's been in Braden's shadow for a lot of years and it's nice to see him shine!!

And Braden thinks he is funny and always walks up to us and bluntly says, "Mom...where's the cat?"

As for me...

It's a change to have a cat again.

I am a neat freak...I mean a NEAT freak!!

I love 90 degree angles and vacuum marks in the carpet.

Gone are those days.

LOL!

This crazy cat is a cry baby.

CRY BABY!!!!!!!

But,

He is a really good boy, putting up with the boys giggling, chasing, playing, picking him up and hauling him to and fro, and constantly wanting to keep him awake..no peace and quiet for that kitty!! :)

He has never scratched or attempted to bite, even in play.

He just purrs all the time, and moves constantly!

We finally arrived at a name...Indy.

THAT only took 24 hours..and it happened because I finally threw a fit and said we HAD to agree on a name.

No one else really needed him to have a name.

WTH???

Apparently, they wanted to watch and observe him forever and pick a name that perfectly fit his personality.

Just freakin pick a name people!!!!!!

So we made a list of names and voted.

He's named "Indy" after Indiana Jones because he's an explorer and adventurer.

I voted for Cry Baby. 

That idea only got the one vote.

Secretly, it's really fun to have a kitty again.

Now I have to teach him to snuggle...

if I can get him to sit still long enough! :)

And I better NEVER hear my husband complain about impulse buying again!

EVER!!

:)

3 Year "Breast-aversary"

Normally, cancer people use the term "cAncerversary" (remember I won't capitalize cancer because it's not important enough).

But...I like "breast-aversary" much better! :)

That way the "c" word doesn't even get mentioned!!

My breasts get the credit...

And I giggle. :)

TAKE THAT cANCER!

Three years ago on January 6, I found the lump in my right breast.

I have always done self exams and my yearly mammograms.

My mom died from brain cancer, my dad had prostate cancer, my mother-in-law had breast cancer, my father-in-law has fought kidney cancer, my brother in law died from bone cancer, and then there's my son.

He's been fighting Stage IV, High Risk Neuroblastoma since he was 3.

I had to leave my career because his treatments were 24/7/365 and we pretty much lived at the hospital.

He had a 30% chance for survival when he was diagnosed on December 28, 2007.

Then on August 11, 2009, his cancer relapsed and we were told there was no known cure.  Less than a 10% chance he would survive for 5 years.

Less then 10%...that's the same odds our daughter Miranda Grace had that she would survive when she was born on August 1, 2001.

She had hypoplastic lungs and she lived for 15 hours,

and then she died in my arms.

Unfortunately, we KNOW what less than 10% means.

We elected to try experimental treatments to try to prolong Braden's life...we began getting treatments at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia with Dr. Yael Mosse...

She's amazing...

And she gave us HOPE!

As of January, 2010, Braden had already undergone one MIBG therapy in October 2009 (liquid radiation that is injected into his body...he had to stay in a lead lined room, between lead shields, no one could touch him until his radiation level declined enough which took over a week...)

We could only have limited time in his room (with a dosimeter to measure our own radiation exposure)...

Yet...

It was injected INTO him....

Think about that for a minute.

The decisions we have faced for Braden's therapy have been and continue to be impossible.

He was one of only THREE children in the WORLD who would receive this particular type of experimental MIBG isotope in a Phase One Trial...

Phase One Trials are not conducted to see if the treatment works,

Just to see if it is "safe".

Not the type of trial you want to have to do...

But...

We had nothing else and because he was facing "no known cure"...

Doing something no one else had ever done, seemed fairly logical.

SCARY, but logical...

And just another in a long line of impossible decisions we have had to make.

As of  January 6, 2010, we were heading back to Philly in just FOUR days for a second therapy because the first one had knocked all of the disease out expect for the disease in his liver.

We hoped it would knock that out too.

So on January 6, 2010, we were playing together, wrestling on the bed, giggling, and having fun when...

Braden accidentally whacked me on the side of my right breast.

I rolled over and grabbed the side of my breast right under my armpit and felt a HUGE, hard lump.

I got up, went to the bathroom and did a self exam.

I knew.

I knew what it was right then.

My son was facing almost certain death and now I felt a lump.

DAMN IT!!

I didn't have time for this...

I need to be with my SON...to help him fight.

I didn't have time for surgeries and chemo and radiation and appointments and the yada yada yada yada...that I knew was coming.

I was not sad.

I was not scared.

Not even for one second.

I was PISSED!

I went to see my OBGYN the next afternoon and when she felt it she said, "it might not be...we don't know yet but I can get you in right now to have it imaged and we can find out before you leave."

I just laughed.

She laughed too...she had been with me through every step of the past 10 years of the crapfest called my life.

I told her that she had been through everything with us and she knew better... :)

She didn't bother to pretend...

It was cancer and we both knew it.

And it would WAIT until we got home from Philly and Braden's therapy.

We would deal with it then.

I knew that no matter WHAT...

I would take the most aggressive treatment path possible.

SO...

When my breast surgeon gave me my diagnosis (following weeks of imaging, biopsies, etc)

I asked her to not only take my right breast off, but to do a bilateral mastectomy.

Cut both girls off...

After all...

They were trying to kill me!!!!

The night before my surgery, I looked down at them and said,

"Okay girls...tomorrow is a BIG day for us...

I'm going to cut you off because you are trying to kill me"

And the girls said...

...nothing....

Boobs are stupid!

I honestly don't think that losing both of my breasts that drooped to my belt...

and replacing them with a glorious set of perfectly matched, perky boobies that don't require a bra...

was a a really horrible thing.

Sure...I can't feel anything on my chest

Or the back of my arms...

BUT...

I will be 90 years old...

Bent over my walker...

and the girls will be standing straight and tall

Saying, "Go ahead Deliece...

lay down and take a nap...

We'll stay RIGHT here....

Standing up straight and tall..

We will NEVER lay down!"....   :)

LOL!!

Three years later I am:

Feeling GREAT,

Have perky boobies,

LONG, THICK hair,

And I am happy!!

OVER THE MOON HAPPY...

Because against ALL odds,

 my son is here too!!

And THAT is ALL that matters!!!

TAKE THAT cANCER!!!

Top Five

Remember the Friends Episode where Ross made his Top Ten list and laminated it?

You know...THE Top Ten List... LOL!

You know..THAT kind of Top Ten List!!??!!

Well, my top five is a little different (for now..someday I'll do a top five like that one..tee hee).

The other day, while traveling in the family truckster for 18 hours (one way) to Arizona from Kansas City to visit my in-laws, my hubby, Brian said,

"You know how people always ask if you could have dinner with anyone in the world you wanted to meet who would it be?"

SEE...I told you it wasn't THAT kind of top ten list!! :)

He said he thought Tina Fey would be a great person to meet!!

I agree...she is smart and funny and would have many witty things to talk about!!

SO...I started thinking..who would my top five "if I could have DINNER with anyone in the world I wanted to" would be.

And here they are... :)

#5. President Obama

...first of all, way cool to meet the PONTUS. 

Regardless of all politics...

AND...

I have a few things I would like to share...

About funding and awareness of childhood cancer.

And what we could do about that to even the playing field so my son and his friends don't have to face death.

To start.

We would likely cover other topics as well!! LOL!!

#4 Alex Guarnaschelli

(yup...from the Food Network and now the next Iron Chef)

Why?  Well...I'm a huge foodie..love to cook and think she is amazing in the kitchen.

But...she is also a VERY strong personality and a fighter. 

She is opinionated and makes no  excuses for her opinions while she shares them freely.

But she is never unkind and has a heart.

I LOVE that!!

The conversation would never stop, and we would both share our opinions freely (I love women with balls)

...and then we would get ticked at each other and eventually laugh it off while thinking the other was sooo wrong and we were soo right!! 

I enjoy conversations and people that present challenges and are not afraid of disagreement!

No one ever did anything great with "Group Think"!

#3  Jon Stewart

It's a take-off from Brian's "Tina Fey" idea...I think he's brilliant and smart and witty and fascinating. 

There would never be a dull moment...I would laugh the whole night.

#2 Stephon

Yes...Bill Hader's character from SNL.

Seriously.

I LOVE Stephon...he cracks me UPPPPPPPP!!

#1 Channing Tatum

No...it's not that kind of top ten but....

He is hot.

Period.

There would be no touching...

I'm married, he's married,

and his beautiful wife is expecting a baby.

I respect that.

BUT...

I would turn the dance music on and say,

"shhhh baby...don't speak...

just dance"

Ohhhh yeaaaaaa!!!!

Top Five!!!

LOL!!