Thursday, July 18, 2013

Dear cANCER...

Dear cANCER,

There are a few things I would love to say to you.

Most of which I can't type here because it would involve the use of extremely bad four letter words, and very descriptive verbs.

So I will type the things I would like to say to you instead. :)

(I'll warn anyone else reading this that there is a lot of inappropriate language because I'm as angry as I've ever been, but I won't use the words to the degree that I would like to use them. My besties will back me up on that one! ;) )

So cancer,  you first began trying to destroy our lives personally when I was 18 and I watched my mom die from brain cancer. You forced me to change her diapers, hold her through seizures, and watch the fear and sadness in her eyes. My mother had fire and fight and you hit her so hard she couldn't speak but my dad and I could read her thoughts through her eyes and the way she looked at us.

The unspoken was spoken.

You didn't stop her from communicating with us. You didn't stop us from loving her or her from loving us.

We made it through all of that.  I've lived a life that I think mom would be proud of if she was still here.

Okay...she would probably not be proud of all of the stuff I've done :)  ...but she would be proud of MOST of the stuff!! :)

You didn't paralyze me with sadness and depression. My heart was broken, but not destroyed. I picked myself back up and found a way to go on. I think about her every single day and I talk to her as though she was here.

Mostly in my head because people look at me like I'm bat shit crazy if I do it out loud.

(And...there's a good chance I AM actually bat shit crazy...so that one isn't far off the mark.) :)

Then you gave my dad prostate cancer, but he won.  My gentle, sweet, kind, father with infinite patience and love.

As Zach would say, "ohhhhhhhhh...poned you"!

In 2007, you decided to attack our three year old son with a form of cancer for which he had 30% odds. neuroblastoma.

And we began living our lives as if today was the last day we would get. We made the most of every single minute and detoured EVERY day.

And he didn't just kick your ass...he ground your ass up and walked all over it!

So you decided to come back with a vengeance and give him "no known cure" in 2009.

And this time, he didn't just grind up you and walk all over you...he obliterated you. And was living life happily and to the fullest.

FOUR years of additional time to date...yup...FOUR years...so kiss my ass.  You didn't get that time..HE did and WE did and every person who loves him did.

You can NEVER take that away from him no matter WHAT you do...YOU LOSE!!!!!

Then you figured it would be funny to try to fight me directly with breast cancer in January of 2010.

PSSSSSHHHHHH...nice try bitch.  I relished that fight. I prayed for the fight. Every round of chemo I looked at my chemo bags and said, "BRING IT"!

You failed miserably....and I mean miserably... I sort of felt sorry for you because you didn't stand a chance so why you picked that battle, I have no idea. I'm too angry and too sick of you...there was NO way you were winning.

PERIOD.

But Braden....you just keep the punches rolling don't you, you horrible disease.

We knew it was a risk to try to fight you that time. We knew we were probably trading long term survival for short term, but Braden is a fighter and he wanted to live. And he DID!

You LOST...

SO you decided he should have to face another cANCER...mds (the pre-leukemia you gave him). And the doctors have told us several weeks to a few months until he dies.

I believe there are a few things you have forgotten about.

History for one.

Hope for another.

The power of an army's thoughts and prayers.

And...the fact that Braden Hofen has autism and doesn't even know you exist. He thinks everyone has tubies and gets poked and goes to the hospital to get poison dripped in their veins. He thinks everyone feels like shit most of the time.

Not only does he kick you ass every single time you try to kill him...he doesn't fear you!!!

He doesn't even know you exist so you don't get a single ounce of his thoughts and emotions.

HE JUST KEEPS LIVING!!!! And he doesn't give you ONE SECOND of consideration!!

TAKE THAT!!!

Yesterday, he went to a water park with Zach and me for 8 hours...8 HOURS and guess what...when we got home he was running through the house playing with his friends and then refused to go to sleep after we all crashed because he was NOT tired.

Yea...not kidding...

...seems like he is kicking your ass yet again!

I continue to hear from families of children who have fought mds and there are stories of hope out there. Robin Roberts just won an award for courage and she had the same damn thing you gave Braden...yet there she is standing on a stage, looking like Cinderella, accepting an award and telling the world how she kicked your ass.

Thanks to you, there is an entire legion of people hoping, praying, and sending love to our son and family.

Yup....you are responsible for recruiting thousands of people to send POSITIVE, HOPEFUL, vibes and prayers to us.

Thank you!

Guess that one backfired on you, didn't it...

The amount of goodness, kindness, mercy, faith, and love that has been shown to us in the past 5.5 years...especially the past 2 weeks is beyond description. Simply beyond description.

You've been responsible for the deaths of many of our friends, many of Braden's playmates and we despise you more than words can say. I won't say we hate you because I do NOT like that word.

Hate is the reason behind lynchings, death camps, and Matthew Shepherd dying on a fence.

Hate is something you will NEVER get from me.  EVER!!!

I think it's what you want from me...I think you want me to join your legion of evil through hatred and immovable depression.

It's not going to work.

We have something far stronger than you...far stronger than evil...far stronger than hatred.

We have an 8 year old with endless hope and love showing us how to live life.

And we have God.

No way you win. No matter what happens to Braden and with his disease, YOU will never win.

God will save him. He may have to do it in Heaven...but God will save him and give him eternal life.

I've found my "sea legs" and I'm back. You didn't hold me down for long. I'm ready to fight you with every ounce of my being.

Ironically, I found my sea legs at a water park while rafting down a raging river.... :)

You are NOT going to win without a fight from us.

And of all of us,

you should be the most afraid of the 8 year old you are attacking.

He's a child without sin, he is pure, he doesn't even know how to dislike or be mean or hurt others..it's simply not in his ability to do because of his autism.

He is happy.

He is a fighter.

And oh baby...you are going to get one hell of a fight this time.

The doctors said he wouldn't get the past 4 years.

They didn't know Braden.

And obviously...you STILL don't know Braden...

...His army....

...and our God.

So kiss my ass cANCER....you will NEVER...I repeat NEVER win.

We are coming for you so you better bring your A-Game.

HOPE,

FIGHT,

LOVE,

AND FAITH...

The combo you cannot defeat.

TAKE THAT cANCER!!!












19 comments:

  1. You amaze and inspire me! Hope prayers love. Jenn

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  2. That was still a much more mild version of the tone under the circumstances...Need a third "X" rated site to really spill your guts:=)!

    You are a class act and truly a force...Braden & Zach have their very own SUPER HERO mom!! Kinda scary and VERY COOL!!

    Hugs & encouragement & support to act out in any way - at anytime - and at any appropriate target (real or exaggerated out of exhaustion & frustration)...you DON'T have to have the manners that you instill on your children..and you know what - YOUR MOM WILL BE PROUDER THAN EVER!!!!

    XXOO-Randy

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  3. All I can say is AMEN!!!!! You rock Deliece. Thank you for sharing and I am so glad you have your sea legs back.. cANCER better watch out

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  4. Like I told you a few days ago, you do have a lot of your mom in you. She is so very proud of the person you are; as is your dad. And a lot of others that know you! You go girl! You and your family are a blessing to so many others. Lots of prayers, hugs and HOPE! Love, Deana

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  5. So proud and honored to see this. Deliece, Braden gets it from you and maybe you get a little from Braden as well. Dynamic duo, you two! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Love you SO much!

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  6. That's one of the best letters I've ever read.

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  7. Wow! Your words are so powerful. Never give up HOPE!

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  8. What an amazing team! it doesn't stand a chance! Hope! Love!Prayers!

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  9. You inspire so many with your words. Keep up the good fight and the army will continue as well. XOXO

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  10. What an amazing person you are. I'm truly inspired by your words. May God be with you and your family. HOPE FAITH LOVE!

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  11. Just what i needed to hear today. I lost my best friend to cancer at the young age of 30. My mom is currently stage 4. I too have a son with autism and a strong faith in the Lord. Thanks for being so candid and relate-able. Refreshing.

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  12. That letter was amazing! You and your family are my hero! Braden is so lucky to have the family he does and anyone who gets in the way - look out! I'm so glad you shared your thoughts with everyone! I was saying "good for you" out loud and only the computer was here to hear me!

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  13. Tears. You said it all so well.

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  14. Wow! I cried my eyes out reading your post and feeling bad for everything you've had to go through. By the end of the post though I realized you are the winner. You haven't let cancer bring you down. You are one strong and courageous woman and know that God is with you always. Your attitude and prayer are powerful! I'll be praying for you and your family as well as an army of others.

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  15. Your hold nothing back my friend and it is something that I love about your dearly. My thoughts and prayers are always with you, B-man, and family. Love you very much

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  16. You all always have our thoughts and prayers for you all!!!!!! You are so amazing and strong as is your children and husband. What an inspiration you are to all.....

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  17. What an inspiring letter, from one heck of a kick-ass mom! Thank you for sharing your strength, hope and faith. You will touch so many with your words. I know your mom is probably crying tears of joy for the courageous warrior you are today. God Bless you and your amazing family!

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  18. You are AMAZING!!! This letter is awesome and I hope that Cancer reads it over and over and realizes it picked the wrong Mom, little boy, family and friends! You are so right - Cancer sucks! You however have taken this P.O.S. and instead of letting it defeat you, it's made you stronger than any person can ever imagine. You are an inspiration - you make people want to be better!

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