Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Oh shit...

I had a meeting with a committee last night (they are also friends) and we started talking about how occasionally, we have accidentally sent out an email that was NOT intended to be sent to the recepient.

Might have hit reply to all instead of just reply??  And the info in the email was not something you would have shared with "all".... ;)

We've all been there, and if you are shaking your head and saying, "not me", you are either lying, in denial, or you don't even know you have done it, yet!

One of my friends said it would be nice to have an "oh shit" button on your computer for things like that. You could push it and it would suck the email right back in!

Problem solved!

I TOTALLY agree!!

And...I got to thinking,

I could use one of those in a LOT of situations!

I would have one on my computer but I would use it for a few other things too.

Like when I pop onto my computer to check one thing on Facebook or Pinterest.

And an hour is gone.  GONE!

WHOOOSH!!! Sucked away. Never getting that shit back!

I would push that button and....voila!! Hour back!


The button would sort of be like a men in black light thingie mixed with a time machine...on versed.

I would also need an oh shit button in my car.

I could use it when I am running late, (or early).  I could hit it when I get lost (and that happens a LOT) because the GPS chick said to go that way and she was...sooo wrong!

When I have to open the hood of my car to put in washer fluid, and "think" it's latched when I close it, but instead find it flapping in the wind as I'm driving 80 down the interstate.

OR when I drive through an "orangeish" traffic light and realize there's a camera mounted on that pole and the po-po will be mailing me a pretty yellow "certificate".

It would even help when I'm at a drive through, order my food and drink, pull to the window, get my drink and drive away...

without my food.

And it would be a transferrable car button so I could take it with me when I'm riding with my hubby...who thinks he is Jeff Freakin' Gordon.

He's weaving in and out of traffic while driving 120 mph and two inches away from the car in front of us, cutting in front of people and driving like, well, my hubby!

I would push that damn button every ten seconds due to lack of a driver's ed brake on the passenger side of the car....

although I still slam the floor and gasp loudly,

every ten seconds!!!  Which pisses him off.

What the shit!?

I would need a version that I could carry in my purse too.

Okay...bad idea because I can't find ANYTHING in my purse (most notably my ringing phone) so it should probably be a really tiny version that I could put on the side of my watch, I always have access to that...

so I can measure if I'm going to be late or early.... which never works and is why I need an "oh shit" button for my timing issues too....

Shit....maybe I'll have to keep thinking on where to keep this mobile button...

Regardless, I need one.

I would use it when I say stupid stuff like "Hi friend...you are looking so beautiful and thin in that new outfit!" garnering the response of "Soooo...you are saying normally I do NOT look beautiful and thin...gee, thanks"!

Lighten up and chill out, you drama queen shit!

I would hit that button every single time I hear my mother's words come out of my mouth, things like "if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it?"  or "just because some kids get to watch rated PG-13 movies, does not mean YOU get to watch PG-13 movies!"

I would hit it every time we drive past a frozen yogurt shop and my boys said, "mom, can we?"

And I would need it for Target too...every time they are with me in that store they start with "moooommmmmmm, we love you soooo much....can we just go LOOOOK at the toys?  We won't ask for ANYTHING, we just want to LOOK!!!"

That right there is some messed up shit! Not because they ask, but because I'm stupid enough to believe that THIS time they are serious!!!

Duhhhh mom!!!

Or when my son asks me if I want to try out his scooter.  And I say yes. And I am headed downhill and can't balance well enough to use my foot to hit the back of the scooter to engage the "brake".

Yea...that would have been a GOOOOD freakin' time to have an "oh shit" button.

No shit!

I could have used it a lot when I was a Principal. Not with the kids..the kids were easy peasy and made me happy every day. Even when they were ornery...they did some funnnny shit!!

I would have clicked the shit out of it when I walked down the hallway and forgot where I was going and what I was going to do because I stopped so many times and talked to people.

And there were some "special" people that I would have hit it as hard as I could the minute I saw them coming in the office door.

No shit!

I would have used it every chicken leg day at lunch.Watching those kindergarten gremlins devour those things and suck those bones dry...heebie jeebies to this day, I'm irreversibly scarred for life!!

In fact, I think the "oh shit" button should also be reversible so you could use on others,

to help them back up and try again.

I would have used it every day when I would finally take ten seconds to try to go pee and inevitably a teacher would see me in the the hallway and need to ask me a question that "just couldn't wait".....ten seconds...so they followed me into the bathroom and continued to talk while I peed.

I would point that bad boy right at the teacher and she would get to "try again" and let me pee in peace.

I would take the button with me when I go out dancing with my friends (on one of two occasions in the past ten years) and I would use it on a lot of people!

First, I would click it for the lady in her 60's in the zebra striped shirt that was clearly drunk beyond all measure and dancing on the bar like she was in Coyote Ugly.

Now let me clarify, I'm really all for the spunk and fun...that part made me smile, it was more about the actual motions themselves...


That was some "I do NOT need to see this" shit!!

I would also use it for the entire group of "swingers" that came to the bar to enjoy themselves,

and their friends' significant others.

I could NOT stop watching because I was frozen in shock...and confusion!!  I'm not making that shit up. It was like watching a train wreck, I knew it wasn't going to end well but I could not look away. Friends would literally close my mouth as my jaw was gaping open the entire night!

And that...

is messed UP shit!

I would use the button for all of the karaoke solos and group performances I've ever done.

Sorry about that shit everyone!

And I would use it for every ten shot tequila night I ever did...there were entirely too many. One morning I found my tequila bottle in the middle of my backyard, Brian said he threw it out there and said, "NO MORE TEQUILA!"

I don't remember that shit, but I've heard about it. Over and over and over and over....

I think I would need companion buttons such as the "bitch please don't even give me that shit" button.

I could use that a LOT.

So when someone says something really stupid like "I think I would rather die than have a mastectomy. I don't know how you did it" (not making that shit up)

I would push it and yell, "Listen up bitch....I'm gonna say this one last time...


So I cut them off AND I felt like a ninja warrior princess ass kicker!"


The other companion button I would have would be one just for husbands.

Ladies, boyfriends don't count, you aren't stuck with that shit yet so you can walk away...

It would be the "you probably need to think about that shit before you say it" button.

It would prevent things like, "Woman..I will take care of that when I get a minute"

(as he's sitting on the couch watching ESPN)

It would also prevent personal injury....to the husband person.

And it would help prioritize shit in the right order.

My needs first!

It's like a two-fer button!!

Now that shit rocks!!!


There is a lot of shit that could be fixed with some "oh shit" buttons.

Next time I catch a leprechaun or find a genie in a bottle,

That is the shit I'm asking for.