answers...

I don't have any answers yet.

We are still waiting for answers/results from Braden's bone marrow aspirates and biopsies.

And we will likely get those answers either tomorrow or Tuesday. I really suck at patience.

REALLY suck at patience...

And I have a sick stomach, worry in my heart, and a lump in my throat.

A third relapse would be devastating. Absolutely 100% devastating. And I know that there is not a thing I can do to change what the answers are going to be.

I have turned to the two things that I CAN control in an uncontrolled situation.

Dirt

and Detours.

I clean like a crazy person. I am in total control of dust and freshly lined vacuum marks in the carpet. And I am ROCKING that OUT!! :)

And we are taking detours. Braden had a rough go after his biopsy.  He was very sick yesterday morning and threw up a couple of times and needed a breathing treatment, not to mention the pain.

I asked people for prayers...and this morning he popped out of bed, walked around on his own with no grimacing and we went to the pool...we are now headed out to the arcade.

TAKE THAT cANCER!

Prayers work.

And I know we will get an answer to our prayers for this to be drug toxicity verses a third relapse in just a few hours but...

it may not be the answer we want!

It is strange to pray that it's drug toxicity because it could end up knocking him out of this trial...it's not 100% certain that it would but it is a pretty big possibility and then the thing that has likely been keeping him in remission is no longer a choice.

But that crapfest answer verses a third relapse answer is so much better...so I pray for that one.

cAncer...you stink. You really, really stink...  No one should have to hope for the lesser of the two evils.

I pray it's not a relapse. I plead for it to not be a relapse.

Please God...let him stay!!

I completely believe the reason Braden is still here today is because of the collective positive thoughts and prayers people have sent his way.

Everyone's beliefs are their own and we don't have to all believe in the same thing. I have a deeply rooted faith in God and that is how I center my energy and hope.

I think there's something to a group of people truly believing and hoping for our son no matter what your personal belief system is though. I can't tell you how many times I have literally "felt" that warmth and love from thousands around the world sending their own hope to our son.

I feel it now during these days of waiting and they not only comfort us but they encourage and somehow heal us.

IF we get bad news and it is a third relapse, there will be a "special" set of people who will begin thinking "so where is your God now Deliece? If God was such a wonderful being, wouldn't He/She save your son as you and countless others have asked? You say you are faithful and trusting but those two things really didn't seem to work out for you....your son is facing death yet again."

(People have actually said that to me before)

(...and I have thought it before...)

It's a valid question and concern.

I get it.

BUT...what I learned from Miranda's death, from watching Braden's friends die, from watching my mom die, from watching countless friends die, and being faced with "You need to spend your time well with your son because he's not going to get much more" more times than I can even count is this:

(and I'm going to sound preachy right now)

God is there.

God feels our pain and doesn't want us to hurt. I do NOT believe these things are given from God.

I do believe that there are reasons beyond my understanding that I will NEVER get in this lifetime for why things happen and why people die at certain times that seem so very unfair, wrong, and painful.

Someday, I hope I will get to Heaven and be able to get those answers.  But in the meantime, I know that God is there for me.

We may not get the answers we wanted tomorrow or Tuesday, but I know God is there and that He is answering my prayers even if I didn't get my way.

And I will try my hardest to remember that and not be angry at Him....rather to direct the anger to the one that I believe is responsible for cancer....

I do believe there are two forces in the world.  God wouldn't do this so in my heart and mind it's the other guy.

I will try...I'm still a work in progress and this is my son and when your heart is broken into a million pieces it's very hard to not blame and question.

I am trusting.

I am grateful for the time we have been given.

And I am hopeful that we will be allowed to have about 92 more years with Braden Hofen on this Earth.

100 seems like a pretty good number to shoot for.

PLEASE keep hoping, praying, trusting, and believing.

We CAN do this!!!