BugZilla...

The day started with the housekeeping lady from the hotel we are staying in after Braden's bone marrow transplant telling me that she always requests to clean our room. She said she told her boss, that lady is SO clean!

I smiled with pride.

Yay me.

I do attack every surface daily with Chlorox wipes, it's important to keep things germ free because of Braden's extremely compromised immune system.

Then I got a call from a friend in the Philly area asking me if Braden would like to do a painting that could help raise funds for children with cancer.  I said we would love it and we set it up for the supplies to be delivered at 10:30 the next morning.

We've gotten into a really bad sleep pattern while in Philly for 2 months so I knew I would need to have both of us shower the night before so we would have a head start the next morning. It takes about 2 hours to get Braden going with his meds, fluids, and calorie intake.

Braden was busy with an App on his I-Pad so I decided to shower first. That is a break from our usual routine.

I warmed the water and got into the shower, shut the shower curtain and noticed a HUGE brown spot on the curtain out of the corner of my eye.

I focused my eyes on it and noticed it was moving...it's antennae...

and it was staring at me.

I think it actually said, "Boo!"

I'm a country girl. I grew up where we had rattlesnakes outside our door, under our cars, around the foundation of our house, in our barn...everywhere and as result I know that when you see a venomous enemy, you freeze and slowly back away.

You do not scream.

But I do NOT like bugs...had it been a rattlesnake, I would have been more composed.

I didn't scream, but I did inch the shower curtain back slowly...it started to move so I quickly just jumped through the small opening, over the toilet that was blocking my way...

and ran for my life to the other room.

I didn't even hesitate, I called the front desk of the hotel and explained there was a cockroach in my shower that was roughly the size of my entire hand and I was too chicken to kill it. I needed help...a brave soul who could kill it for me. The thought of the crunch that was going to happen when it was killed made me ill.

Seamus was working at the front desk and was the lucky man to answer my phone call. We've been here several weeks so I know everyone, and they know us. Seamus tried not to laugh and said he would get help "right away".

I explained to Seamus that it was roughly the size of my head and that it would be great if they could hurry.

Audible giggle...thanks Seamus.

I knew when they got to our room and saw it, they would agree that it was about 3 foot tall and would likely call animal control to retrieve it.

They wouldn't be giggling then.

I waited....

...and waited...

...and waited.

Finally, a knock at the door.

It was a HUGE man...seriously big, big dude.

I figured this would be a fair fight now...he and BugZilla would be eye to eye and my money was on the brave big dude.

I couldn't even go back in the bathroom so I stood in the doorway and pointed to which side of the shower curtain BugZilla had taken up residence.

He wasn't afraid (pssshhhhh) and went in the bathroom...

and I did the "ew ew ew ew" dance out of his way and against the hallway wall.

I wanted to be supportive...

and I wanted to be as far away as possible.

The Big Dude smacked the shower curtain hard and I could see BugZilla leap with the agility of SpiderMan to the opposite side of the shower wall.

The Big Dude got his first glimpse of BugZilla and JUMPED back and threw his hands up.

I resisted the urge to say, "I told you he was HUGE!"...

...barely.  It was SO right on the tip of my tongue.

He turned around and looked at me with wide eyes and said, "I will be right back, I need to get something."

Aha...see...even you, Mr. Big Dude, have to get something to kill it with because it's 5 foot tall and has muscles like the Incredible Hulk.

 See, I'm NOT such a wimp.

I said, "So you are going to piss him off and then leave me alone with him?"

He smiled and we both giggled.

But I wasn't kidding...

I was worried.

So I waited for him to come back with bug killing tools.

And waited...

....and waited...

....and waited.

Just as I was sure I was going to need to call down again and have them evacuate the hotel, I finally heard a knocked at the door.

I told him he didn't need to EVER knock to get back in....just come on in...

And I warned him that I was pretty sure BugZilla was planning his attack...

and that I feared for his life.

I've watched movies...

I know how it works. You see an intruder,  leave to get a knife and boom....the enemy has readied an AK-47.

But Mr. Big Dude was smart and had brought bug killer tools...

...two small boxes.

Seriously?

I said, "so your plan is to capture and relocate him?"

He laughed,

but my fear for his life was genuine.

This was a bad idea. This wasn't enough of an arsenal to take on BugZilla.

I told him my hairspray was right beside the sink if he wanted to stun him before he launched his assault.

That idea had been suggested by a wise friend on Facebook when I posted a picture of BugZilla...

(I was afraid we wouldn't survive and I wanted my friends to know what had killed us)

Mr. Big Dude walked into the bathroom but he wasn't so bold this time. He was VERY cautious...but clearly he was a Big Dude and couldn't appear to be scared out of his damn mind while protecting a mother and child from an armed 6 foot tall cockroach with wings, antennae to use like swords, and with legs hairier than mine after 2 days without shaving.

(that's pretty hairy)

I moved to the wall and assumed my supportive, yet defensive position. The door was right next to me and I could make a break for it.

Braden was still watching his movie and although I love him with every fiber of my being...if BugZilla came after us, he was on his own.

He's 9...maybe BugZilla wouldn't even notice him given that he was three times Braden's size. Perhaps, he would be viewed as a mere crumb compared to hefty momma and Mr. Big Dude.

At least that's what I hoped.

Mr. Big Dude began trying to kill BugZilla by swinging his boxes...but BugZilla countered with a direct attack and lunged after him.

Mr. Big Dude jumped back, but to his credit he got right back in there and continued fighting the good fight.

I was laughing so hard I was crying...but I was being encouraging saying, "Don't give up...you can do it...we have to kill it because it is going to get US if you don't!"

He was laughing too...but he was scared and jumping around like a little girl. Even though that was 1,000 times braver than I was at that moment.

He said, "You have a fighter here for sure!"

As his position was pushed backed further toward the bathroom door, I left my defensive/supportive position and moved to the other room...it was getting too close to my space for comfort.

I finally heard a flush.

I walked back to my hallway stand and said, "Are you sure it was dead? If you flushed it and it comes out of that toilet, I am going to lose my damn mind!"

He laughed and said that it would be on him if it did.

I looked directly in his eyes and in a very slow voice said,

"If it comes back out of the toilet, I will hunt you down and kick your ass!"

We laughed.

But I was not kidding.

He called housekeeping...the shower was cleaned and the bathmat replaced because he had apparently squished it on the bathmat.

I posted that it was dead and about the squishing and my "helpful" friends told me you never squish a cockroach because they have thousands of eggs in their stomachs and the eggs spread from the shoe across the floor and then the eggs hatch everywhere.

Other helpful friends told me to be sure to watch carefully because BugZilla may have brought friends with him to the party.

Yea...That'll help me sleep.

Not.

I posted that I had tipped Mr. Big Dude $5 for rescuing me and one of my friends responded with a congratulatory remark....

She noted that I had now officially ordered my first contract hit.

That one made me laugh out loud.

And it makes me the "BugFather....

wait "BugMother...of Philadelphia".

Back off bugs....

I'm out of five dollar bills but I have a whole roll of quarters for the laundry machines.

I will order more hits should any of you wise guys get any ideas.