How I Told Everyone About My Breast cAncer...

I have copied and pasted my post on Braden's Caring Bridge Site from February 17, 2010. 

It's the post in which I told everyone I had breast cancer.

I didn't have the energy to call everyone. I did send an email to my closest friends the night before the post. The only call I made was to one of my brothers and I asked him to call my dad. I just couldn't do it.  Everyone found out at the same time, with a handful of exceptions. Not really something I'm proud of, but it is what I had the energy to do.

I remember being mad, just mad...and so worried about how I was going to find time to go to my appointments while Braden was fighting for his life and had a less than 10% chance of survival.  I didn't give a crap about MY cancer, my only heartache and fear was for HIS cancer!

I knew how long and drawn out this process was, and I didn't want to miss a minute with Braden because we were sure he was going to die. I knew I would be in the hospital a lot but I was determined to get up and keep going so I didn't miss a single minute longer than I had to miss!

I was looking through my CB posts tonight and found this one...I hadn't planned on finding it, it just appeared.

I thought it would be an interesting one to share with you!!

We initially thought nodes were not involved, a couple of days after my mastectomy, we learned they were involved so I had a second surgery to remove more lymphnodes. That earned me chemotherapy, a lymphodema risk, and the loss of my long hair. That was what was the hardest for me. Otherwise, GAME ON!!!

It's hard to believe this was three years ago, it seems like yesterday...

...and at the same time, it seems like a millions years ago.

I still stand by my words, focus on Braden and do not blame God. He didn't give EITHER of us cAncer!!

Hugs! :)

Hi Army,
I know many of you worry when I post earlier than I had planned but everything is okay with Braden. I do have news for you though and I thought it might be better absorbed tonight when many of you are at home rather than tomorrow at work. It probably just easier to read it when you have more time.

Five days before we left for Braden’s second MIBG in Philly (beginning of January) I found a lump in my right breast. I went to see my OB before we left, who also felt it. We began all of the testing once we returned from Philly. This Monday, I got the call that the biopsy results were in and it was a malignant mass. It is a stage 1, grade 2, invasive ductal carcinoma. The pathologies came back the day we met with the breast surgeon and it was relatively good news. For those of you who have gone through breast cancer or know someone who has, this tumor is receptive to estrogen and progesterone, and the HER2-neu is negative (level was positive one). The ki67 level was 9% and they want it to be less than 10%. If you are like me and really wouldn’t know what those meant before now, this website was very helpful to me in understanding what this stuff really is.http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_4_3X_How_is_breast_cancer_diagnosed_5.asp
if you are interested in more info. The bottom line is that the pathologies were favorable for a good prognosis.
I have elected to have a double mastectomy. We don’t think there is cancer in the left breast yet but I do not want to take a chance of developing it later on in life. Once you have breast cancer in one breast, you have an increased chance of getting it in the other one. I will have an MRI next week to help us confirm that the left breast looks okay and get more information about the lymphnodes. Right now we do not believe they look like they have cancer in them. The MRI will tell us more and when they do the surgery they will do a sentinel node biopsy to find out for certain. If you want to pray for something specifically, pray it is not in the nodes. I stand a better chance of not needing chemo if it’s not there. I’m not afraid of chemo but you know as well as I do that I would FAR rather spend my time with Braden and Zach right now than hooked up to an IV pole. We still do not know how long Braden has left and I don’t want to miss a minute. We will figure out what other treatments I need post surgery and with additional genetics information I will be getting as well.

I will meet with a genetic counselor in the hope we can learn other information through testing that will help determine treatment after surgery and whether or not this could be something that the boys could get later. Yes, males can get breast cancer. I do not have a history of breast cancer in my family but I could be the first to start the chain. I will meet with the plastic surgeon and genetic counselor the day after we return from Philly. We think surgery will be in mid to late March. I am aggressively going after this cancer! I am determined to win this battle! I have HAD it with cancer!

Who knows why these things happen. I’ve seen a lot of people put themselves through endless weeks and months of agony wondering why things happen. The truth is, I can ask that question but I’m not going to get an answer in this lifetime so it’s pretty much wasted energy to even wonder. I prefer to focus on enjoying EVERY moment we have today and letting the big questions/decisions be handled by God. I am NOT scared of this cancer. I have spent 2 years terrified for Braden and I’m going to stick with that and continue to be terrified for Braden but THIS cancer does not scare me. It’s tough to explain but when you are told you son who has only lived for five years (2 of those years being poked and prodded, having chemo/transplant/radiation, numerous surgeries and procedures and done to him) now has a relapsing, refractory disease for which there is no known cure, this just doesn’t seem that bad. It is certainly not a preferred diagnosis or future but the word the describes how I feel about things right now is simply determined. I am going to beat this cancer and it is going to be sorry it EVER messed with momma bear.

So how can the army help? First of all, please try to not be angry at God. This is not His work!! Performing miracles like having Braden Hofen with us today, feeling good and acting like a little boy should because he feels well enough to do it IS His work! We have SO MANY BLESSINGS! I know many of you will be angry but I am asking you to instead look at the glorious miracle God has given us. What I have is very beatable! Braden’s is not very beatable but he is STILL HERE! All in all…not bad!! So be thankful for us, appreciate life with us and celebrate each moment. I knew good and well that this was the likely diagnosis when I wrote the post about Braden’s Race on April 18. I was not kidding when I said that I want us to all celebrate together--even if you can’t be here for the event that day--we need to celebrate together. Yup--there’s bad stuff, yup--we are getting plenty BUT no matter what, we are thankful for what we have TODAY! I have said all along that none of us knows how much time we have--LIVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! Take detours and celebrate!! KEEP HOPING AND PRAYING FOR BRADEN! When we go back to Philly on March 2-3, we simply have to get good news again or we are done. We need to focus on that right now--it’s the priority--FOCUS ON BRADEN!! I believe in Braden and I believe in the power of thoughts and prayers and we have GOT to continue ours for him. Please keep spreading the word about Braden and continue to believe in him and in miracles!! I learned how to be brave and how to fight from my 5 year old, I also learned how to live every moment (even the cruddy ones) with joy and gratitude in my heart! We can do this too army--we can!!

Much love to you all!
Deliece

3 Year "Breast-aversary"

Normally, cancer people use the term "cAncerversary" (remember I won't capitalize cancer because it's not important enough).

But...I like "breast-aversary" much better! :)

That way the "c" word doesn't even get mentioned!!

My breasts get the credit...

And I giggle. :)

TAKE THAT cANCER!

Three years ago on January 6, I found the lump in my right breast.

I have always done self exams and my yearly mammograms.

My mom died from brain cancer, my dad had prostate cancer, my mother-in-law had breast cancer, my father-in-law has fought kidney cancer, my brother in law died from bone cancer, and then there's my son.

He's been fighting Stage IV, High Risk Neuroblastoma since he was 3.

I had to leave my career because his treatments were 24/7/365 and we pretty much lived at the hospital.

He had a 30% chance for survival when he was diagnosed on December 28, 2007.

Then on August 11, 2009, his cancer relapsed and we were told there was no known cure.  Less than a 10% chance he would survive for 5 years.

Less then 10%...that's the same odds our daughter Miranda Grace had that she would survive when she was born on August 1, 2001.

She had hypoplastic lungs and she lived for 15 hours,

and then she died in my arms.

Unfortunately, we KNOW what less than 10% means.

We elected to try experimental treatments to try to prolong Braden's life...we began getting treatments at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia with Dr. Yael Mosse...

She's amazing...

And she gave us HOPE!

As of January, 2010, Braden had already undergone one MIBG therapy in October 2009 (liquid radiation that is injected into his body...he had to stay in a lead lined room, between lead shields, no one could touch him until his radiation level declined enough which took over a week...)

We could only have limited time in his room (with a dosimeter to measure our own radiation exposure)...

Yet...

It was injected INTO him....

Think about that for a minute.

The decisions we have faced for Braden's therapy have been and continue to be impossible.

He was one of only THREE children in the WORLD who would receive this particular type of experimental MIBG isotope in a Phase One Trial...

Phase One Trials are not conducted to see if the treatment works,

Just to see if it is "safe".

Not the type of trial you want to have to do...

But...

We had nothing else and because he was facing "no known cure"...

Doing something no one else had ever done, seemed fairly logical.

SCARY, but logical...

And just another in a long line of impossible decisions we have had to make.

As of  January 6, 2010, we were heading back to Philly in just FOUR days for a second therapy because the first one had knocked all of the disease out expect for the disease in his liver.

We hoped it would knock that out too.

So on January 6, 2010, we were playing together, wrestling on the bed, giggling, and having fun when...

Braden accidentally whacked me on the side of my right breast.

I rolled over and grabbed the side of my breast right under my armpit and felt a HUGE, hard lump.

I got up, went to the bathroom and did a self exam.

I knew.

I knew what it was right then.

My son was facing almost certain death and now I felt a lump.

DAMN IT!!

I didn't have time for this...

I need to be with my SON...to help him fight.

I didn't have time for surgeries and chemo and radiation and appointments and the yada yada yada yada...that I knew was coming.

I was not sad.

I was not scared.

Not even for one second.

I was PISSED!

I went to see my OBGYN the next afternoon and when she felt it she said, "it might not be...we don't know yet but I can get you in right now to have it imaged and we can find out before you leave."

I just laughed.

She laughed too...she had been with me through every step of the past 10 years of the crapfest called my life.

I told her that she had been through everything with us and she knew better... :)

She didn't bother to pretend...

It was cancer and we both knew it.

And it would WAIT until we got home from Philly and Braden's therapy.

We would deal with it then.

I knew that no matter WHAT...

I would take the most aggressive treatment path possible.

SO...

When my breast surgeon gave me my diagnosis (following weeks of imaging, biopsies, etc)

I asked her to not only take my right breast off, but to do a bilateral mastectomy.

Cut both girls off...

After all...

They were trying to kill me!!!!

The night before my surgery, I looked down at them and said,

"Okay girls...tomorrow is a BIG day for us...

I'm going to cut you off because you are trying to kill me"

And the girls said...

...nothing....

Boobs are stupid!

I honestly don't think that losing both of my breasts that drooped to my belt...

and replacing them with a glorious set of perfectly matched, perky boobies that don't require a bra...

was a a really horrible thing.

Sure...I can't feel anything on my chest

Or the back of my arms...

BUT...

I will be 90 years old...

Bent over my walker...

and the girls will be standing straight and tall

Saying, "Go ahead Deliece...

lay down and take a nap...

We'll stay RIGHT here....

Standing up straight and tall..

We will NEVER lay down!"....   :)

LOL!!

Three years later I am:

Feeling GREAT,

Have perky boobies,

LONG, THICK hair,

And I am happy!!

OVER THE MOON HAPPY...

Because against ALL odds,

 my son is here too!!

And THAT is ALL that matters!!!

TAKE THAT cANCER!!!