Enough...

My matron of honor made a beautiful toast at our wedding and it was beautiful...

and prophetic.

It's called "Enough" and I want to share it with you.

Here is the poem by Bob Parks:
“* I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

* I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

* I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

* I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

* I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

* I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

* I wish enough hello's to get you through the final goodbye.

My friends, I wish you enough! “

I have had enough.

Some would say more than enough, but I think it's been just "enough"...it's just that I'm so stubborn and hard headed that I didn't get "enough" early in the game!

I fought it and tried to change it, when what I needed to do was simply allow God to take control and sit back and appreciate detours and every minute we get with all four of us together.

Spring break is here, the boys are out of school until March 25, so I am taking a break from all things technological to spend some time with them.

I never take one moment we get as a family of four for granted and in order to concentrate of them and not everything else, I occasionally take extended technology breaks! :) 

I appreciate things MUCH more now than I used to because I have had "Enough".

Years ago, I would have been working fast and furiously the whole break, but now...now I know that there are things that trump busy.

There are things that are more important than that email that didn't get answered today...or even the next day.

Really!!!

So, sometimes, I completely unplug and focus on my kids 100%!!

We never know if this will be the last spring break we will spend with all of us together, everything could change at any time. 

I've had "Enough" so I'm taking a break! :) 

I highly recommend it...take a day and just unplug. It's extremely refreshing!!  

Yes, I cheat a little! :)  I update my facebook status with pics of our detours, but that's all!! Promise!! The phone, email, etc will be there when we get back into our routine...it's my version of a "staycation"! :)

We have many little detours planned out, beginning with "Chugga Cheesies" as Braden requested before school this week! ;)

So I won't be updating this blog until after the boys go back to school but I'm QUITE sure that when I return, I will have a million Zachisms and stories to tell! LOL!!

In the meantime, detour...enjoy your family and friends...

and, I wish you "Enough"!!

The Key To Chaos...

Well...I had a "SERIOUSLY!" moment this morning! :)

I had a meeting at school at 8:20. Shouldn't be a problem, usually we are there by that time..easy peasy...right???

WRONG! :)

This had to be the day that the lego thing just "HAD" to be built before we could get in the car!! I didn't handle that well...there was yelling involved and me explaining that "the lego thing has GOT to wait because we are going to be LATE!"

No one really moved very quickly.

More yelling! Not proud...just truthful! ;)

Which was followed by Braden walking up to me and kindly explaining that "we NOT go to school today...we go to Chugga Cheesies (Chuck E Cheese)....

that was followed by him folding his arms, turning his nose up and saying, "hmmmm"!

Okee doke...so it' going to be THAT kind of day... :)

I talked Braden down, talked Zach away from the legoes and both boys got into the car, everyone was ready to roll!! YAY!!

We got to school and everyone was calm and happy and ready to have a great day.

I parked the car and shut it off....

...well...tried to shut it off...

Apparently, my key ring had gotten between my key and the ignition box (yes...I still have a key...my car is 10 years old).

I tried repeatedly to get it to shut off but that piece of metal was blocking the way!

Two little voices tried to aid me with "helpful" suggestions...like "just turn it off and pull the key out mom!"

SIGH!!  I resisted yelling...

but I did just allow my forehead to fall into my steering wheel.

And I left it there awhile while I sighed....

Zach next suggested we call a mechanic...or the police because we had an emergency.  LOL!

Instead, I called Brian...and I told him I had a meeting that I was late to already so the key would be in the car and the car would be on...

He said he would hurry! Thank goodness he was in town! :) So I left the car running and I headed into school and kissed everyone goodbye while rushing to the office for the meeting...

Seriously!

I stopped at the secretary's desk to tell them that Brian would be bringing in my keys, and why. :)

They know me...and they laughed...

LOTS!! :)  I can't blame them...so did I! :)

I went in for the meeting (where we had another good giggle). I had to rush off at 9 to get to my next thing and was rummaging through my purse for my keys.

I couldn't find them anywhere!!

YUP...I'm blonde!!

We all got a good giggle out of that one too!!

So I stopped at the secretary's desk to collect the keys and a new face looked at me and dangled them with a smile.  She handed to them as I was introduced to the "new secretary!"

SERIOUSLY!!

First, I gave a big hug to  Mrs. Brake who is leaving...sad sad sad!! She's a gem!!  And then I shook the hand of the new secretary and said,

"Hi...I'm Deliece Hofen and this is pretty much how things are gonna continue to roll for me!"

More giggles....

Mrs. Barrett (the other secretary) gave me a big hug and said that this was a good blog moment!!

She was right.

Seriously!! :)

I left hoping to get a mimosa...never did but still hoped!!

Remember Match Game and "Dumb Dora"??

I just kicked Dumb Dora's ASS!!!

I'm dumber...I WIN!!! :)  LOL!!

Brave Little Soul...

Over the past five years of cAncer mess, I have looked at our son and marveled.

Braden and his friends simply--endure.

Horrible procedures, hopeless news, friends who die, families broken and separated, life completely changed, isolation in hospital rooms, feeling sick, being bald, and living under the constant doubt of the promise of tomorrow.

Nothing is predictable.

Nothing is stable.

Everything is uncertain.

Yet...

they endure.

Braden and his friends are my heroes because of their ability to simply keep going.

The Energizer Bunny has nothing on them!! :)

I came across this poem several years ago, and I read it each year at our HOPE Walk and Touch A Truck, Etc. event that we do with the City of Olathe (this year on June 8, 2013) in our opening ceremonies right before our heroes release butterflies in honor/memory of our angel heroes.

Emma Grace's butterfly landed on her "special someone" :)

I think the lessons will be obvious as you read it. It isn't a story I wrote, just one I found but it describes the heart of my son and his friends.

This story always leaves me sobbing so get a tissue,

or a few packsof tissues. It is beautiful.

It helps my heart to know that there really may be a reason for all of this, not a reason any of us would choose for our lives and certainly NOT for our children, but maybe...

just maybe, there is something we don't know about "why".

This story makes my mind and heart, think...

and give thanks for their courage and example of what it really means to have the courage to endure and HOPE!

Our first trip home after round one of chemo.

The Brave Little Soul
By: John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied. "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you". God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

Miss Marilyn...

I've known a lot of amazing teachers!!

But there's this one...

Her name is Miss Marilyn and she teaches preschool out of her home in Stilwell, Kansas.

And she is AMAZING!!

I first met her when I was a Principal. I got to know her when she came to kindergarten round up to listen and help "her babies"...that's what she calls them "her babies".

I instantly loved her.  She is an amazing human being and just an incredible teacher. I got several of her babies in my school and each and every one of them was a caring, compassionate kiddo who knew how to say please and thank you and push in their chairs. 

They were definitely academically prepared, but they were prepared for so much beyond academics...

They had learned how to be beautiful human beings.

I knew that when I had children, I wanted them to go to Miss Marilyn's Preschool (we write it as MM) because I wanted the best for them!

So Zach got old enough to go to preschool and I was able to get him enrolled.

Brian and I picked him up his first day and took him to school.

 

He was REALLY excited and I made him wear his button pants with a zipper because I wanted him to dress up for the first day. 

 

I taught Kindergarten, I knew we needed to practice to make sure he could button and unzip so if he had to go potty, he could do it.

 

So we did.

 

We left Zach with a smile on his face and a skip in his gate and he had a BLAST!

 

I got an email from MM that night.

 

I could hear her giggling.

 

Apparently, "Zacharoonie" as he will be forever known to her as...had a little difficulty with that zipper and button...

 

So he walked out of the bathroom bare bottomed and asked for help!! :)

 

Sometimes, you have to laugh!!

 

MM taught these kids everything they needed to know...they got their academics but they got it through play and creation, no worksheets at MM's!!

 

There was no TIME for worksheets, we have to LEARN!!!

 

And she took them all over the world...the kids even chop down their own Christmas tree (with her help of course) and then they have to figure out how to drag it back to the truck, and they can't have any adult help. It's priceless!!

 

She gave each of her students an education and she taught them to believe they were special and magnificient and wonderful.

 

She also taught them to mind their manners and be thankful and thoughtful.

 

I credit her for my son's bed and room looking like this yesterday:

 

 

 

 

She is the reason I catch him up at all hours reading with a flashlight under the covers.

 

MM taught them to LOVE learning!! He's never forgotten that!

 

And I got more incredible crafts and projects from her than I can count. Those things matter...they hang on our Christmas tree every year.  She even invited Braden out to do crafts!!

 

And when the cAncer mess came around, MM made Zach a "student teacher" his kindergarten year so he could still go out to her house and help with the 3 year olds and feel great about himself and get some MM lovin'!!

 

I really think MM is one of the most amazing people I know!!

 

Here are some pictures of things at MM's.  Everything was active and creative and required problem solving and thinking and it was FUNNNNN!!!!!!

 

If we could all have an MM when we were little to show us how to behave, respect, love, explore, create, and love it would be a MUCH better world!!

 

We love you MM!!! :)

 

Day One with MM

Day One

 

Going to school

 

One of the MANY wonderful field trips

 

 

She gets a kick out of her babies performances, and they had a LOT of performances!

 

Special guest celebrity appearances!

 

 

I wish I could turn these... :)

 

Graduation!

 

They all tackle her!! She had a pillow to fall on and they crack up!! Zach wouldn't let her up!!

 

His first love...Ava Wava!

 

This woman showed these kids more love and heart than I can describe.

 

Alexander Kind of Day...

Okay...here's another oldie but goodie. I promise it's the last one for awhile from our CaringBridge site (www.caringbridge.org/visit/bradenh).

This one was written in February of 2010, just about a month after Braden was diagnosed and I was having one of those days. 

It was so "Seriously" that I had to share it with you. It was one of those days and everything was going wrong,

but it was also worth a few giggles....

after I had time to chill.  LOL!!

I was exhausted and pooped from no sleep, and my heart was hurting for Braden and Zach both. It really had started to sink in that Braden was fighting for his life and Zach's life was completely turned around now too.

It was quite a day... :)

Hope it gives you a couple of giggles too!!

HUGS! :)

Hello!
I am having an Alexander kind of day! For those of you who don't know the children's book, Alexander has a terrible, horrible, awful, no good, very bad day (or similar descriptors/order!). Braden's intestinal infection is back. We were schedule to come home yesterday but he spiked a fever at the last minute and we requested to stay at the hospital instead of going home. This infection was so serious last time, we were too scared to come home until we knew more about how he would do.

Braden eating chips...any food he was eat was allowed! :)

Last night was a bad night for me--the gravity and seriousness of Braden's illness really hit me hard (again) and I found myself in a state of complete self pity! Not to worry, Lisa helped last night and Doctor Shore heard about my dismay and brought his "team" up to talk me down off the ledge and do a little "Humpty Dumpty" repair work this morning. I have come to the conclusion that I do not like neuroblastoma!! :) In the initial hours of my meltdown, I called home to talk to Zach and Brian (hadn't seen Zach for 3 days and that's the longest I have gone without seeing him, ever) and Zach said, "Mommy, when are you coming home--I'm sure daddy would watch Braden so you could come see me"! OUCH--this greatly added to my self induced cry-fest. Then this morning, after I gave Braden a bath and was changing his bedding, I accidentally pulled his NG tube out--just caught it on the arm of the chair and yanked it right out. I felt horrible and immediately began to cry yet again! This time, the nurses put me back together. It's nice how they all work together as a team!! :) It was decided that I needed a break. Brian was with Braden so I left to go get Zach and go to a doctor's appointment. I had to leave the medical team's "intervention" early to make my appointment and left my bag with my makeup, dryer, etc. in the room. I realized it when I reached the elevator but pride prevented me from returning to get it. Big mistake.

My appointment had been rescheduled to a plaza location and I had NO clue where I was going but I eventually found the tall building and turn the corner and WHAM...hit my tire on the curb. It was a hard hit so I checked it immediately once I parked and I heard a loud hissing sound...so I jumped back in. I drove like a maniac to try to find some type of garage/gas station or perhaps make it to my dealership on State Line and 435 before it went flat. I called to cancel my appointment and the sweet woman on the phone was trying to help me find a place to go but I was so lost I couldn't even find a street sign!! I made it to 85th and State Line where I pulled into a BP gas station (8507 State Line).  Once again, I began to sob. I was on the phone with my dealership who was politely explaining to me that my roadside assistance plan was no longer in effect so they couldn't help me when a man from the station knocked on my window and asked if I would like for him to change my tire. Thank you Lord! He changed my tire in the pouring, freezing rain and was SO nice about it. He would not let me pay anything for the repairs so just remember that Phillip at the State Line and 85th Street BP station is "THE MAN!!" I left, headed out on 435 driving, let's call it 70'ish, and was calling the BP corporate offices to commend this young man and noticed my hood was flapping. Yup--when I released my parking break, I also released the hood. I then called Brian (for the 500th time since leaving) to tell him I was okay and that all was well and that I was pulling over to shut my hood. I don't even want to know what he was thinking!

That was about an hour and a half ago and I have managed to take a shower, dry my hair with a travel size/folding dryer, and put on back up makeup (that's the old stuff from the bottom of the bag). Yes, I look like I'm ready for Halloween. I now understand that one really should throw away old shades of makeup instead of hanging on to them for "emergencies" because truly, no emergency is worth wearing bright pink blush. I will commend Estee Lauder on their promise of "waterproof" though--seems to be very effective! I am now eating leftover casserole that contains vegetables and I'm having a side of fruit. It's DELICIOUS even though that violates three food rules (leftovers because they turn mushy when reheated--this one really didn't, and vegetables and fruit because they contain absolutely no chocolate). I am going to get my four year old and we are going to have a wonderful celebration today--I plan to kiss him and hug him repeatedly!! He has his kindergarten roundup tomorrow so it's a HUGE day for him! Brian took clothes up to spend the night, and to date, I haven't stayed at home while Braden's been in the hospital so we'll see if I can do it. Maybe tonight is the night!?

So, Alexander, I feel your pain but I think the tide is turning. :) I thought you might enjoy the "humor" of the day! I am posting early so I can enjoy some Zach time today. I am officially proactively cried out for about two months-- or until tomorrow at Kindergarten Roundup, whichever comes first!! :) There's nothing that a shower, bad makeup, casserole, and a four year old's hugs can't fix!!

Deliece :)

How I Told Everyone About My Breast cAncer...

I have copied and pasted my post on Braden's Caring Bridge Site from February 17, 2010. 

It's the post in which I told everyone I had breast cancer.

I didn't have the energy to call everyone. I did send an email to my closest friends the night before the post. The only call I made was to one of my brothers and I asked him to call my dad. I just couldn't do it.  Everyone found out at the same time, with a handful of exceptions. Not really something I'm proud of, but it is what I had the energy to do.

I remember being mad, just mad...and so worried about how I was going to find time to go to my appointments while Braden was fighting for his life and had a less than 10% chance of survival.  I didn't give a crap about MY cancer, my only heartache and fear was for HIS cancer!

I knew how long and drawn out this process was, and I didn't want to miss a minute with Braden because we were sure he was going to die. I knew I would be in the hospital a lot but I was determined to get up and keep going so I didn't miss a single minute longer than I had to miss!

I was looking through my CB posts tonight and found this one...I hadn't planned on finding it, it just appeared.

I thought it would be an interesting one to share with you!!

We initially thought nodes were not involved, a couple of days after my mastectomy, we learned they were involved so I had a second surgery to remove more lymphnodes. That earned me chemotherapy, a lymphodema risk, and the loss of my long hair. That was what was the hardest for me. Otherwise, GAME ON!!!

It's hard to believe this was three years ago, it seems like yesterday...

...and at the same time, it seems like a millions years ago.

I still stand by my words, focus on Braden and do not blame God. He didn't give EITHER of us cAncer!!

Hugs! :)

Hi Army,
I know many of you worry when I post earlier than I had planned but everything is okay with Braden. I do have news for you though and I thought it might be better absorbed tonight when many of you are at home rather than tomorrow at work. It probably just easier to read it when you have more time.

Five days before we left for Braden’s second MIBG in Philly (beginning of January) I found a lump in my right breast. I went to see my OB before we left, who also felt it. We began all of the testing once we returned from Philly. This Monday, I got the call that the biopsy results were in and it was a malignant mass. It is a stage 1, grade 2, invasive ductal carcinoma. The pathologies came back the day we met with the breast surgeon and it was relatively good news. For those of you who have gone through breast cancer or know someone who has, this tumor is receptive to estrogen and progesterone, and the HER2-neu is negative (level was positive one). The ki67 level was 9% and they want it to be less than 10%. If you are like me and really wouldn’t know what those meant before now, this website was very helpful to me in understanding what this stuff really is.http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_4_3X_How_is_breast_cancer_diagnosed_5.asp
if you are interested in more info. The bottom line is that the pathologies were favorable for a good prognosis.
I have elected to have a double mastectomy. We don’t think there is cancer in the left breast yet but I do not want to take a chance of developing it later on in life. Once you have breast cancer in one breast, you have an increased chance of getting it in the other one. I will have an MRI next week to help us confirm that the left breast looks okay and get more information about the lymphnodes. Right now we do not believe they look like they have cancer in them. The MRI will tell us more and when they do the surgery they will do a sentinel node biopsy to find out for certain. If you want to pray for something specifically, pray it is not in the nodes. I stand a better chance of not needing chemo if it’s not there. I’m not afraid of chemo but you know as well as I do that I would FAR rather spend my time with Braden and Zach right now than hooked up to an IV pole. We still do not know how long Braden has left and I don’t want to miss a minute. We will figure out what other treatments I need post surgery and with additional genetics information I will be getting as well.

I will meet with a genetic counselor in the hope we can learn other information through testing that will help determine treatment after surgery and whether or not this could be something that the boys could get later. Yes, males can get breast cancer. I do not have a history of breast cancer in my family but I could be the first to start the chain. I will meet with the plastic surgeon and genetic counselor the day after we return from Philly. We think surgery will be in mid to late March. I am aggressively going after this cancer! I am determined to win this battle! I have HAD it with cancer!

Who knows why these things happen. I’ve seen a lot of people put themselves through endless weeks and months of agony wondering why things happen. The truth is, I can ask that question but I’m not going to get an answer in this lifetime so it’s pretty much wasted energy to even wonder. I prefer to focus on enjoying EVERY moment we have today and letting the big questions/decisions be handled by God. I am NOT scared of this cancer. I have spent 2 years terrified for Braden and I’m going to stick with that and continue to be terrified for Braden but THIS cancer does not scare me. It’s tough to explain but when you are told you son who has only lived for five years (2 of those years being poked and prodded, having chemo/transplant/radiation, numerous surgeries and procedures and done to him) now has a relapsing, refractory disease for which there is no known cure, this just doesn’t seem that bad. It is certainly not a preferred diagnosis or future but the word the describes how I feel about things right now is simply determined. I am going to beat this cancer and it is going to be sorry it EVER messed with momma bear.

So how can the army help? First of all, please try to not be angry at God. This is not His work!! Performing miracles like having Braden Hofen with us today, feeling good and acting like a little boy should because he feels well enough to do it IS His work! We have SO MANY BLESSINGS! I know many of you will be angry but I am asking you to instead look at the glorious miracle God has given us. What I have is very beatable! Braden’s is not very beatable but he is STILL HERE! All in all…not bad!! So be thankful for us, appreciate life with us and celebrate each moment. I knew good and well that this was the likely diagnosis when I wrote the post about Braden’s Race on April 18. I was not kidding when I said that I want us to all celebrate together--even if you can’t be here for the event that day--we need to celebrate together. Yup--there’s bad stuff, yup--we are getting plenty BUT no matter what, we are thankful for what we have TODAY! I have said all along that none of us knows how much time we have--LIVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! Take detours and celebrate!! KEEP HOPING AND PRAYING FOR BRADEN! When we go back to Philly on March 2-3, we simply have to get good news again or we are done. We need to focus on that right now--it’s the priority--FOCUS ON BRADEN!! I believe in Braden and I believe in the power of thoughts and prayers and we have GOT to continue ours for him. Please keep spreading the word about Braden and continue to believe in him and in miracles!! I learned how to be brave and how to fight from my 5 year old, I also learned how to live every moment (even the cruddy ones) with joy and gratitude in my heart! We can do this too army--we can!!

Much love to you all!
Deliece

Zachism Saturday #6...

Saturdays are "Zachism Days".

Zach is our nine year old and he says and does the funniest stuff, without meaning to! :)

He always delays getting in the shower....

And then he delays getting OUT of the shower. :)

Mostly it's due to wars with his water gun and imaginary bad guys.

So I went up to his room this past week to see what the holdup was and found him dancing and singing Gangnam Style while viewing his performance in his mirror.

I just stood there and waited for him to see him out of the corner of his eye.

When he finally did, he froze...

And then continued his singing and dancing performance with...

"Heyyyyyyy, mom don't be mad

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa wo po Zach Style....

......IIIIIIIII'm gettin' in the shower....

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa wo po Zach Style...."

And I laughed and walked away!!

:)

Yes, it still took him another ten minutes to get into the shower!